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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to double barrel my surname after 6 years of marriage

119 replies

benjerriesandme · 08/06/2013 21:56

When I got married 6 years ago before hand I spoke with my then husband to be about not really wanting to change my name. My reason being that im an only child and so was my dad so my surname would die with my dad. My husband was not happy as he said he was traditional and it was the usual thing to change your name when married.

I did change my name but was always at the back of my mind and I don't want to share the same name with my ILs (SIL also chose the same first name for their son as ours so they will have the same first and surname, this however is not that big a deal it was just something extra to think about)

I have since had 2 children and my dad has also died and now I feel very upset that my surname has gone and will not be carried on and I was to now double barrel my and my Childrens surname but not sure how to bring it up to my husband as it caused so much trouble before. I wish now I had stood my ground and double barrelled from the start.

How can I bring this up with DH?

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 11/06/2013 12:39

olathelawyer05 hey the 1950's are calling, they'd like their attitude back please!

themaltesecat · 11/06/2013 14:08

I have no idea if the man I call 'dad' is actually my father without a DNA test, but my mother is definitely my mother.

I'd be baffled and rather insulted if my child said this.

OP, why not? It's your body; let it walk around under whichever title you see fit.

EuroShaggleton · 11/06/2013 16:37

OP, I'm in the same situation - an only child of an only child on my father's side, so the name dies out with me. I realised this when I was in my teens and at that point decided I would never change my name. I've been Ms [myname] since that point.

My husband never said a negative word about it or try to convince me to change it at all. He did however baulk at the idea of double-barrelling for any children. "Fortunately" it is taking an age for me to get a pregnancy that sticks, and over time he seems to have softened to the idea that any child we are lucky enough to have will bear both our names.

Boosterseat · 11/06/2013 17:19

Double-Barreller here, maiden name then my husbands.

Different reasons for doing it, I have 1 DS from a previous relationship who has always had my maiden name , i didn?t want to lose my maiden name but it?s REALLY common and DH happened to have a gorgeous surname so now i have a wonderfully posh surname to match my not so posh demeanour.

If you want to do it then do it. DH didnt care what i called myself as long as I was going to marry him, hes a sweetie.

olathelawyer05 · 12/06/2013 01:00

@pinkyredrose.... "...hey the 1950's are calling, they'd like their attitude back please!"

lol... tell you what Pinky, if you're available, I'll marry you.... I won't buy you a ring.... I won't get on my knees (literally or metaphorically).... and I won't do anything to remotely suggest that I am somehow more privileged to have you as my wife, that you are to have me as your husband....

....If you're happy with this arrangement, then of course I'll be perfectly happy for you to keep whatever surname you want after we're married....

My point simply, is that those beating the drum for wives to keep their maiden names, ignore the fact that taking your husband's name was something you usually did as part of a reciprocal 'exchange' of conventions - this notion of reciprocity is often completely lost on them.

Mixxy · 12/06/2013 01:19

I didn't change my name when I got married. The idea makes me want to throw up a little. I get irrationally angry when people call me by my husbands last name. And as for wedding invites to Mr and Mrs Husbands First Name and Husbands Last Name!?!

StuntGirl · 12/06/2013 01:36

Ola dear, have you been on the vino? You are talking rather a lot of bollocks.

cantspel · 12/06/2013 01:37

Mixxy do you wear an engagement ring? Or wedding ring?

Mixxy · 12/06/2013 02:03

No.

AHandfulOfDust · 12/06/2013 02:13

Ola dear indeed. Where is this 'reciprocity' you speak of??

I have kept my maiden name much to the chagrin of my husband. I realise the logical cul-de-sac of my argument as it's my Father's name, & his father's before him. It wasn't a woman's name in my family until my sister had been born.

But when do you stop?

When do women stop being chattels? Belongings?

Because that's what taking a man's name signifies.

A new or hybrid name would make more sense. But no barreling, barreling can get ridiculous really.

I was born with my name & I would like to keep my name throughout my life.

Because it's MINE.

Mixxy · 12/06/2013 02:21

Thank you handful. Exactly.

And I'm somehow drunk because I kept my own name? Nice, cantspel.

cantspel · 12/06/2013 02:25

Drunk?

I asked a question and said nothing about drinking.

rainbowweaver · 12/06/2013 02:29

Another vote for the mother's surname going down the female line and the father's surname going down the male line.... Makes a lot of sense....

goodasgold · 12/06/2013 02:34

OP it doesn't matter what you call your dd. I guess that you miss your dad a lot.

Mixxy · 12/06/2013 02:50

Sorry cantspel! It was stuntgirl. (Not helping myself on the sobriety issue with that! Its not 10pm here in NY, that would be a problem if I were).

But no, I don't wear a ring.

DH did buy me a big sapphire ring when my DS was born. I wear it on my right hand.

Mixxy · 12/06/2013 02:51

Sorry cantspel! It was stuntgirl. (Not helping myself on the sobriety issue with that! Its not 10pm here in NY, that would be a problem if I were).

But no, I don't wear a ring.

DH did buy me a big sapphire ring when my DS was born. I wear it on my right hand.

pinkyredrose · 12/06/2013 07:59

olathelawyer05 thanks for giving me a good laugh.

StuntGirl · 12/06/2013 08:13

Perhaps you have been drinking mixxy! I was suggesting ola had been on the wine, not you

lachrymavitis · 12/06/2013 08:22

I double-barreled my surname a few years into my marriage. I have two long foreign-sounding names so it can be a nightmare when people have to spell it.

I had kept my maiden name but changed to include my husband's surname after travelling alone with my small children. I was told I would have to carry their birth certificate with me when we travelled and I thought it made sense to share a name.

Not quite the same as you but I empathise with wanting to keep a bit of your own identity.

I would just bring it up with your husband and discuss it. There are compromises to be had if he's not keen such as using your surname as a middle name for the boys?

olathelawyer05 · 13/06/2013 19:55

@pinkyredrose - Always happy to entertain... Can't help but note that you didn't address the point however... perhaps a tacit acceptance that there is a truth in what I'm saying?

@AHandfulOfDust - I believe I've clearly explained the reciprocity that comes from the traditional postcard marriage proposal and acceptance, as that is what I am referring to (i.e. 'He' buys her a ring, tells her how unworthy he is etc etc... and 'she' in return takes his name). These things go together and it is not about women being chattels. I would consider it double-standards to expect the ring & knees from a man (being his sacrifice), and not the name change from the woman (being her sacrifice) - both are symbolic gestures.... but strangely enough, only the man has to spend money in making his gesture! What happened in your marriage is really just your particular business. Who knows... perhaps you bought him a nice shiny rock in exchange (...and there goes that flying pig again).

@StuntGirl - Why don't you try putting together an actual argument against what I said, instead of selling yourself tragically short by just lazily calling it "bollocks"? Credit to @AHandfulOfDust, who was intelligent enough to at least seek to address the point I was making. I mean, if its "bollocks", it should be pretty easy to refute, correct?... the man buys a ring & gets on his knees... the woman takes his name... sounds like a contextual exchange to me, but no doubt you know different? Alas, we'll never know, because you chose to defined your entire argument with "bollocks". Bravo.

hamilton75 · 13/06/2013 20:27

olathelawyer05 you have a very outdated view on marriage proposals.

Most couples will already live together and have joint finances so its not the man always putting his hand in his pocket anymore.

Surely you can't be suggesting that a minute on bended knee (if indeed that happens) equates to a lifetime of being called a different name and perhaps one you don't like?

Given the high divorce rate these days far better that women keep their own names (if that is their choice) and the children do too. Far more practical seeing as in the event of a split the children go with the mother more often than not. Makes sense to keep the name of the parent you are living with.

sameoldIggi · 13/06/2013 20:36

I proposed to DH. He did not buy me an engagement ring. Neither of us feels "unworthy" to be with eachother.
Does this mean we aren't married?

Chunderella · 13/06/2013 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helltotheno · 13/06/2013 21:06

I understand what ola's saying to be honest. In theory, if women want the whole man down on bended knee proposing, followed by church ceremony complete with white dress and piss up in a hotel, the taking on of man's name is in theory part of that traditional deal. In practice though, I'm sure there are plenty of men who don't give a rats whether their wives take their names or not.

I didn't take my dh's but then again, we just signed a book. In saying that, I dislike both our surnames equally, but if he a kick-ass one that I loved, I'd have changed my name in a heartbeat... shallow, me :)

OP I'm getting a slight 'arse' vibe from what you already said in your OP about his initial reaction to names... good luck with this one, you'll need it :)

olathelawyer05 · 13/06/2013 21:24

@hamilton75

Given the high divorce rate these days, probably far better that nobody gets married in the first place... Just for the record, I do NOT like marriage, but clearly, some people do and that's just fine.

I think you have me wrong. The ring/knee from him & the changing of surname from her are traditional symbolisms. I am not saying that people should do it, and I am not saying that people shouldn't do it. What I am saying is that they tend to go together, hence my point as to reciprocity. So before we tell the OP to just change her name back if she wants, it is silly to ignore the context in which she took his name to begin with, and then criticise her husband for being upset about it as though he had no stake in process that brought them together.

"...Surely you can't be suggesting that a minute on bended knee (if indeed that happens) equates to a lifetime of being called a different name and perhaps one you don't like?"

Please let's not have the conversation about whose sacrifice is greater... it's pathetic and it is a non-argument. If she doesn't like his surname, she doesn't have to take it.... just as he also doesn't have to buy her a ring or marry her at all.

"....Given the high divorce rate these days far better that women keep their own names (if that is their choice) and the children do too. Far more practical seeing as in the event of a split the children go with the mother more often than not."

Oh dear.... So children should keep mum's name because there's an illogical presumption that they should be with mum in a divorce?... Honestly, you did not seriously just make this argument!?

Well, at least you appear to accept the reason I personally don't do or recommend marriage for men (i.e. why put yourself in a position where she gets your kids and accordingly, the bulk of your assets). At least to your credit, you don't appear to be in denial about this.

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