to want to double barrel my surname after 6 years of marriage

[benjerriesandme]

When I got married 6 years ago before hand I spoke with my then husband to be about not really wanting to change my name. My reason being that im an only child and so was my dad so my surname would die with my dad. My husband was not happy as he said he was traditional and it was the usual thing to change your name when married.

I did change my name but was always at the back of my mind and I don't want to share the same name with my ILs (SIL also chose the same first name for their son as ours so they will have the same first and surname, this however is not that big a deal it was just something extra to think about)

I have since had 2 children and my dad has also died and now I feel very upset that my surname has gone and will not be carried on and I was to now double barrel my and my Childrens surname but not sure how to bring it up to my husband as it caused so much trouble before. I wish now I had stood my ground and double barrelled from the start.

How can I bring this up with DH?

[VerySmallSqueak]

Custardo how do you do it? Do you not have to provide passport/driving licence or whatever in that name?

Just really curious after so many years of being known as married name.

[Tortington]

for work i just did it - ditto, docotrs, dentist, electric , gas etc.

when they start filtering through the door - they become your id with proof of address. birth cert, marriage cert for some things i imagine - but nowt to difficult. I have always had my own bank account in my maiden name

i also have one in my married name :)

[squoosh]

'By encouraging her to change her own name regardless of her husband's feelings on the issue, you are just egging her on to delay something that seems inevitable anyway, while damaging her relationship with her husband in the process.'

Oh quite, it's advice from a stranger that will damage her relationship, not his behaviour. Yes, she'll eventually die, thanks for confirming that, but surely while she's still alive she should have the name that she feels fits with her identity.

Do you feel her husband's feelings take precedence?

[VerySmallSqueak]

Thank you Custardo.

I was forgetting about a birth certificate being in the maiden name (doh!),which of course is a good starting point

[VerySmallSqueak]

That seems like a good solution for the op,to use maiden name for life outside of home.

Very much doubt that OPs DH will agree to DC's name change so at least late fathers name can be used and held close for the op in her lifetime,without facing DC's having different name which OP has said she doesn't want.

[Bearbehind]

I really think there are better things to be hung up on.

What if you change you name and even manage to convince you husband to allow your children to become double barrelled too? what if your children don't have children? the name stops anyway.

If you think you can only pass on your's and your fathers legacy through your name you are really missing the point.

There are lots of things worth arguing about, IMO this just isn't one of them.

[olathelawyer05]

"Oh quite, it's advice from a stranger that will damage her relationship, not his behaviour".

Absolutely - the advice was completely nihilistic. As far as I can see, her husband hasn't done anything except dare NOT to go along with her. He left the discussion table because - as you yourself have pointed out - he knows he can't stop her changing HER name, and so what is there to discuss??? Why should he hang around to validate 'her' decision, when he clearly doesn't like it? Because of that, the likes of yourself are now looking to shame him for what is a normal human reaction - he is upset. You know absolutely nothing about what her husband has sacrificed for the marriage, and yet you have the audacity to judge his reaction as a mere tantrum.

"Do you feel her husband's feelings take precedence?"

Of course not. If you read my very first post, I said that there is no right or wrong answer to this dilemma. What matters is what the OP values the most. She is not going to get everything she wants, and so she has to decide what is most important to her, and let that take precedence. Simply egging her on to 'change her name' without regardless of what he feels, is therefore negligent and plainly destructive.

[squoosh]

'negligent and plainly destructive'

Wow, you're certainly getting yourself very worked up about this aren't you? I had the 'audacity' to judge his reaction as a tantrum as that is how I have perceived it from the OP's posts.

You see it differently, bravo for you. This is how this particular website works, someone posts a question, people with many different viewpoints respond. I'm baffled as to why you're having such an angry and emotional reaction.

[olathelawyer05]

"I'm baffled as to why you're having such an angry and emotional reaction."

No - you're baffled because I've actually thought about it and know that non of us should be telling the OP to just 'change her name' regardless of her husband's feelings (or telling her not to change it for that matter), when we actually know next to nothing about the subtleties of 'their' relationship.

All you (and others like you) know, is that a 'woman' wants to do
something, and her 'man' is daring to refuse to just validate it. You are then telling her to ignore what he thinks without any knowledge as to the context in which he is thinking it. That is plainly negligent. It may satisfy YOUR personal agenda - whatever that may be - but it could be incredibly damaging for the OP and her marriage. Afterall, she did choose to marry the man.

[diddl]

I took my husband's name & I don't regret that.

But I do regret not using my maiden name as a middle name.

[AThingInYourLife]

"but i'm traditional - a child should have its fathers name. end of."

That's not the tradition.

You don't even understand something you are always banging on about.

[StuntGirl]

Because her husbands feelings are largely irrelevant. The OP is the one who must have and use this name every day and so her own feelings take precedence.

People are telling her to go ahead and change it because she already wants to. My partner would prefer not to change his name if we ever marry. I would rather he took mine, but I can't force him and so we will keep separate names. I can deal with that because I am an adult and I recognise my partner's feelings on his own identity are more valid than mine.

[benjerriesandme]

He was upset I think but TBH I think he could have discussed the issue with me instead of leaving me sitting there. I did say to him that I wasn't asking him to get rid of his name just to include mine aswell. He responded as if he didn't believe me saying "yeah right" that's when he got up and left. What annoyed me by this was he is obviously not prepared to do something he obviously expects me to do.

When we talked about getting married it is something that was discussed but as he was not happy then I didn't push any more for it, I don't think i realised at the time how i would feel further down the line when my dad did die. That sadly happened sooner rather than later.

I think its that i do attach the name to my dad and its another part of him gone and i feel resentful that my husbands name is carried on over a couple of generations and he is not more flexible knowing my reasons for wanting to include my name.

We met at work and got engaged after a year and married a year after that. The proposal was not a surprise but we did go to Wales which was nice.

I know a name is not everything to some people and is not the only thing that defines you but its important to me especially as an only child and my dad being an o my child. I would just like it to carry on a little more in my lifetime, what happens after that i won't worry about!

[olathelawyer05]

"Because her husbands feelings are largely irrelevant..."

Well, the OP clearly doesn't think so, otherwise she wouldn't be seeking advice on the issue would she? I am no fan of marriage, but I know you don't typically marry someone because you want to ignore their feelings.

In any case, you are running a bit of a strawman argument because the OP's husband didn't in the end object to her changing HER name.... but he doesn't have to like it and he certainly doesn't have to validate it to make her feel better. None of us know where HE is coming from, and so none of us are in a position to pass judgement on his reaction by calling it childlike or describing it as a tantrum etc.

I'd never marry personally (no point to it, and matrimonial finance laws are rigged against financially responsible men). But if I were to go traditional and make the sacrifice of buying a ring, subjugating myself by getting on my knees to ask for marriage etc, only for the women to then 6 years later ask to take back the only sacrifice she made in return at the time (i.e. giving up her maiden name), I would feel pretty pissed off and ask for my ring back. Obviously, we don't know the circumstances of their marriage/proposal etc.

[fastyspeedyfast]

OP - sorry that went badly. I think you're well within reasonableness to change your own name to whatever you like. It's your name, and your DH's response is rather OTT. It's plenty common for women to keep their own name after marriage; it's certainly not going to raise any eyebrows in wider society.

Plenty of stuff happens in a relationship where you need to say, I don't like that you're doing this, but I can understand you need to do it, and I support you. This is one of those times - it's not like you decided you 'needed' a 6-month tour of meditation through Nepal to come to terms with your father's death. You just want to change your name. It really does not impact anyone other than you in any important way.

Not sure if you told him you wanted to change the DC names, too? Now, that I can see him being annoyed about. Not that you shouldn't, but that really ought to be a joint decision. You may feel you were coerced into using only his name, but you did make that choice. I can see him being upset at making that change now.

[StuntGirl]

I said largely, not completely. Her husband has made it perfectly clear to her that he neither approves nor wants her to go ahead. He has not explicitly said "Do Not Do This" but his unpleasant, childish behaviour is a tactic often employed by people to try and force the other person into conceding their point.

OP I would do what you feel will make you happy - not what you feel may make your life easier by making another happy.

[Iggi101]

The only "sacrifice" the woman makes is changing her name? So marriage results in greater happiness for women does it? I though repeated studies show men do better married, and women when single.
You sound like a real catch Ola, if your only concern on getting married is how you will fare if you divorce!

[blueshoes]

The only sacrifice a woman makes in entering a traditional marriage is giving up her maiden name?

< Falls over laughing >

Looks like I got a good deal then by keeping my maiden name.

[hamilton75]

I kept my name nearly 20 years ago and the kids have both our names, its never been an issue with us or the school or whatever. The kids can choose their own when they are older. The only one who has a problem is my mother in law but that's tough. I can never understand why some people stick so strongly to the patriarchal way in this day and age and think that double barrelling is just confusing - if two names confuses people I would worry about their education!

Lots of countries do it differently, two names or keeping the woman's name etc..and other cultures often make up new ones. We have friends that combined the two to make up a brand new family name and its lovely.

Personally I would insist on this if its important to you. Its not like you are asking to have his name removed, merely yours would be an addition. I can't see how someone would object to that given where the desire stems from. If he is unhappy with this then I suspect you have bigger problems. If it was me I would go ahead and do it anyway!

[ComposHat]

I though repeated studies show men do better married, and women when single

Yep I think in order of hapiness it is:

1, Married men
2.Unmarried women
3.Married women

1. Unmarried men

[Estherbelle]

Tricky one. Like you, OP, I'm an only child and so is my father, so I really am the only one left to carry the family name.

My name and OH's name don't sound right double barreled, and merging are names would make "Rotten", which given that his name is John, would make him sound like one of the Sex Pistols!

I've kept to my name and he's kept to his. We don't have children (yet), so we have this dilemma to come...

[ComposHat]

I am always amazed the number of women who have been in shit/abusive marriages who then keep their husband's surnames after the divorce.

I've never been in that situation, but would think that their surname would be the first thing that went after the divorce.

[Iggi101]

Can you get extra middle names added for the children? Could be a way to bring the family name in.
We kept our own names. I'd quite like to 'go double' (didn't think of it when getting married unfortunately) but I have a feeling I'd be the one saying "I'm Ms x-y", while dh continued saying "I'm Mr Y".

[olathelawyer05]

@ Iggi101 "...You sound like a real catch Ola, if your only concern on getting married is how you will fare if you divorce!"

What can I say.... I'm a realist. I don't believe the fairytale that most people are sold vis-a-vis marriage. Particularly given that when the fairy dust wears off, I as a man will be the most vulnerable when it comes to assets/children etc.

"...I though repeated studies show men do better married, and women when single."

What does this even mean? "Better" in what way? If women did so well single, why are they in my experience typically more eager to marry? Are these women stupid? ...So apparently eager to disadvantage themselves?Sorry, but this just sounds like a churchy/marriage council propaganda response to men being more reluctant to get married.

[blueshoes]

Based on cold hard economics, if you are going to outearn your spouse over your marriage, it is better not to be married than to be married if the marriage breaks down. It is the same advice whether the higher earner is male or female.