to want to double barrel my surname after 6 years of marriage

[benjerriesandme]

When I got married 6 years ago before hand I spoke with my then husband to be about not really wanting to change my name. My reason being that im an only child and so was my dad so my surname would die with my dad. My husband was not happy as he said he was traditional and it was the usual thing to change your name when married.

I did change my name but was always at the back of my mind and I don't want to share the same name with my ILs (SIL also chose the same first name for their son as ours so they will have the same first and surname, this however is not that big a deal it was just something extra to think about)

I have since had 2 children and my dad has also died and now I feel very upset that my surname has gone and will not be carried on and I was to now double barrel my and my Childrens surname but not sure how to bring it up to my husband as it caused so much trouble before. I wish now I had stood my ground and double barrelled from the start.

How can I bring this up with DH?

[5madthings]

We gave the madthings a double barrel led name.

As hearts says they will make their own decision when they are older re their partners/children.

Dp and I aren't married but if we get married I won't drop my name, I may consider double barrelling.

[wonderstuff]

What bugs me about the paternal system we have is where it comes from. I know its just a name, makes life easier, just admin, etc. But it is tradition because women were traditionally passed from fathers to husbands as property - not seen as actual people in the same way men were, but as property. And we aren't equal yet and there is still a sense that men should be in charge. So I feel uncomfortable having lost my name, because names are part of identity aren't they. I should have kept mine, but I didn't and its been so long now I wonder if it would be weird to go back. I'm very glad my children have my name in theirs though.

[Jan49]

The only compromise I can think of is if you just start using your old surname yourself and double barrel it with your DH's surname. Tell your DH again you're upset that in effect your dad's surname is dying out and that you want it as part of your name. But since he was inflexible before and you've presumably got 2 dc already registered in his surname, I think you might find the battle to change their names is not worth fighting.

My ds has his father's surname but as a middle name he has a surname from my family. I don't like my surname, the one I've always had, and I wouldn't inflict it on him lol but I wanted something from my side in his name. I think a good compromise - if you'd discussed this with your DH before the dc were registered - would have been to give them your old surname as a middle name.

There's no one left alive from my family who has the surname that my ds has as a middle name so reading your post has made me glad I chose it. I think it gives him a sense of connection to relatives, particularly ones he never knew. The last relative with that name died in the 1990s, the same decade that my ds was born, so if he lives to be old he'll have kept the name "current" for another lifetime.

[rosy71]

I agree that double-barrelling your children's names now might be difficult. Why not just double-barrel yours or add your maiden name into your name as a middle name? That way you've still got it and can use it if you want to but your surname is still the same as your children's.

[benjerriesandme]

I would consider adding it on as a second middle name. I just really regret now not double barrelling my name after marriage then it would be normal now. At the time it did cross my mind about being an only child and my dad being the only surviving relative on his side of the family. Its just hit home and on my mind alot now since his death. My husband has 2 brothers and a nephew who will carry his name on and I just feel sad that mine will be gone if I do nothing now.

[StuntGirl]

I wouldn't have been swayed in the first place, and if you really want to change it now then to be honest he can't stop you.

Changing the children's names now is harder - both parents should be in agreement on the names and as your husband is against it you can put your case forward but you may have to accept that their names stay as they are.

[M10s]

I know one man who took his wife's surname, upon their marriage. They already had a daughter who had been given her mother's surname at the time of her birth.
Later on, when they decided to marry, the wife decided she would keep her own surname. Mum and daughter were going to continue to have one surname, while dad had a different one, so he decided that he would take his wife's!

[ComposHat]

but i'm traditional - a child should have its fathers name. end of.

I wonder why you are so certain on this? If you are going by accuracy matrilinial descent is easy to track and verify than patrilinial descent. I have no idea if the man I call 'dad' is actually my father without a DNA test, but my mother is definitely my mother.

I have no strong views on what surname any children we may have would have... my wife would like them to have her surname, so that is probably what they will have. I can't understand why people get so upset about a 'surname dying out.' In all likelihood the name will cease to exist with my death. It is a run of the mill surname and a run of the mill family who've made no notable contribution to humanity or undertaken any great feats. I doubt future historians will mourn its loss. I certainly won't.

[muffinino82]

It's your name, you may do as you wish. I wouldn't change mine at all unless OH was willing to double barrel or take on a completely new name with me. If you want to double barrel, do so, nobody has the right to object or stop you.

I agree with you that the children should have both your names but am not sure of the legalities of going about changing their names so am not much help there, I'm afraid.

[1Catherine1]

My sister and her partner have decided on a creative solution when they get married. And that is a merging of two names. I think it is the perfect solution - then both names die out and live on at the same time.

Those people saying double barrelling only lead to stupidly long names - well it will if you're stupid about it. I guess it would work the same way as the spanish name system works. For those of you that don't know this system (I only do because I married a spaniard), woman do not take their husbands name on marriage as they have 2 of their own already. When they have children, the child takes the first surname from each parent (starting with the father's). Hence losing the mother's and father's second surname (the parent's mother's first surname). I hope that makes sense. If OP adopted this method then your father's surname would continue 2 more generations before dying out.

I too think you are over thinking things OP - I'm sorry, I know it is sad to think of that part of your father being gone but it is only a name. Do a family tree, pass it on to be updated - there is no need for it to be forgotten. I was fascinated when my maternal grandmother educated me on the history of the names in my family. I know her maiden name, her mother's maiden name, the history of how my grandfathers name was changed when they arrived in England many generations before to make it more "English" and less Irish. If I were you I would look forward to educating my children and grandchilden.

[sashh]

I don't think you need to use a deed poll just start using it.

I have PM'd you the text of the deed

[benjerriesandme]

Thankyou very much sashh for that.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

I think it's a bit late to change your kids' names tbh. I think the time to make this point was before you got married, before you had kids. If your husband is a bit of a stone age traditionalist and didn't want you to keep your name he's hardly likely to agree to changing his children's names. Your own however, you don't need his permission to change that!

[greenfolder]

My maiden name is ashley. On marraige I kept it as a middle name (really didn't want to double barrel) and gave it to dd1 as a middle name. She, and indeed other dd may use it as a middle name if they have dc.

[benjerriesandme]

Well I spoke to him and it went as expected. He got up and left the table. I then heard him talking to himself saying I don't have to feel how you do about things, you have 2 children so deal with it! He didn't know I had heard. When I spoke to him I told him my reasons were that my name had died out and his will cary on with his children just I want mine to aswell. I also said his name will carry on through his brother,nephew and nephews son.

After he said I can do what I want but he will not support me so feel awful now.

[StuntGirl]

Why do you feel awful? Because he threw a strop like a toddler?

You don't need his permission. He knew how you felt about name changing from the beginning, you've tried it his way and you've never really settled with it. He can't stop you changing it if you really want to.

[ThisWayForCrazy]

In your situation I would add your maiden name as an additional middle name to your children.

My surname is double barrelled as my eldest son has my maiden name and I did not want to have a different surname to him. And it was not an option for him to have his fathers surname. End of.

Similarly I didn't want to have a different name to my youngest two children, nor did my husband. So this was a simply way for us.

[Tortington]

i use my maiden name all the time - at work, bank, letters etc - i just did it.

to family i am married surname - to most others , maiden name.

it took me over 22 years of marriage to think - hold the fucking phone....wtaf with taking HIS name. bollocks

so i re-claimed MY name.

[squoosh]

'a child should have its fathers name. end of'

What a load of old tripe.

[olathelawyer05]

To the OP...

How did you and your husband come to be married? (i.e. what EXACTLY happened to bring about the marriage?)...Did you just discuss it casually and agree that marriage would be a good idea?...Did you propose to him and buy a ring?...Did he propose to you and buy you a ring etc?...How did the process of the marriage coming about make 'you' feel?

(PS. There is no real 'right' or 'wrong' answer to your name-change dilemma. It would just be nice to understand better the dynamic of 'your' marriage/relationship before commenting further).

[squoosh]

OP it's your identity, go ahead and change your name. Whether your DH acts like a dick about it or not is completely up to him.

And I disagree with people who say that double barrel names will cause problems down the line, you choose to keep or change your surname, you choose a surname for your children, what they choose to do, or what their children's children's children's children do is irrelevant. Let them choose for themselves.

I'll never cease to be irked at how womens' identities are seen as being temporary or disposable.

[ivanapoo]

I'm thinking of doing this - for myself rather than DS. I changed my name on marrying but now we have a son I know my husband's name will carry on through him. The feminist in me is annoyed that I changed my name when my husband wouldn't consider doing the same. But I don't want to upset anyone and frankly changing names is a bloody faff.

[Tortington]

not if you just gradually do it , doctors, work, dentist, mobile phone, gas bill, bank - just change your name, its not that big of a faff, unless you do it all in one day

[MissStrawberry]

It is fine for him not to feel the same way as you. It is fine to rather you didn't change your children's names. It is not fine to have a tantrum, be disrespectful or demand you don't change your own name. Stop feeling awful as that is just you forgetting you actually can do what you want as you are a grown up. Shame you don't appear to have married one.

[olathelawyer05]

"...OP it's your identity, go ahead and change your name"

Clearly, this advise is completely unpragmatic and is just what I would expect to hear from someone who has an agenda of their own, with no real interest in helping 'the OP'.

The OP herself will eventually die.... which means that her father's name will die anyway. By encouraging her to change her own name regardless of her husband's feelings on the issue, you are just egging her on to delay something that seems inevitable anyway, while damaging her relationship with her husband in the process. Absolutely nothing was achieved today.

OP - This is why you should very selective about following other people's advice, when you can't be sure that they actually have your interests at heart.