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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want a holiday?

17 replies

PeopleAreAfraidToMerge · 08/06/2013 16:28

Background: DP and I have been a couple for 5.5 years. We're not long out of Uni, but both have good jobs and work hard. I've had a bit of a tough year- my job is pretty stressful, sister has MH issues and someone who abused me as a child got out of prison last week (that's a whole other thread!). I feel like getting away for a week would do me good, would be something to look forward to and might cheer me up a bit.

DP does not believe he has 'earned' a holiday Hmm and although he enjoyed our previous ones (last one was 3 years ago) he has no desire to repeat the experience... I'm open to doing something different to the usual Europe beach holiday we have done before, but he refuses to even discuss what he might like to do instead Sad. In the past I've gone with a friend, but that's not possible this year. I love seeing new places and getting to know people... I'm 24 and I want to see a bit of the world!

I don't understand- our relationship is pretty good, we have the money/time... what's going on here? I hope you have some wisdom for me Smile

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 08/06/2013 16:30

YANBU to want one, but you can't make your DP go if he doesn't want to I guess.

Why can't you go with a friend this time? Or even on your own? Some people love going on solo holidays.

redskyatnight · 08/06/2013 16:30

Sounds like he just doesn't like going on holiday?

Why not go on your own?

WorraLiberty · 08/06/2013 16:30

It's hard to say really, he sounds like the kind of person who just doesn't like the faff of going away?

Could you go alone? It's not for me but I know a few people who enjoy it.

Iamsparklyknickers · 08/06/2013 16:34

I think going on your own isn't a terrible plan. If finances allowed I could quite easily imagine myself on a beach with a pile of books and taking them to a restaurant of a night... I probably wouldn't enjoy a whole week of it, but a three day break mid week before the kids break up sounds like paradise.

Original poster
PeopleAreAfraidToMerge · 08/06/2013 16:34

He seemed to have a really good time when we've been before, and speaks fondly of those times, so I really don't get it! I don't feel confident enough to go on my own- I did last year (to a place I know very well) but I got drugged in a bar Sad so don't really want to repeat the experience.

I certainly wouldn't make him go, but the fact he refuses to talk about it is really frustrating. Going away is something I love- I try and support him in the things he loves doing

OP posts:
BridgetBidet · 08/06/2013 16:37

What? You're not asking him to pul his own teeth out for you, you're inviting him on holiday.

I'm normally the last person to say LTB but in this case I would seriously consider it. One of the things that gets me about this is that wherever you went and whatever you did on holiday you would be together. And if spending a week with you isn't enough of an incentive for him to take the time off do you really think he's valuing you as much as he should? He should want to spend time and go away with you.

Plus you need this holiday, just to say 'no' is unkind really when he knows you have no-one else to go with.

But the not wanting to spend the time with you thing is bad.

HeadsDownThumbsUp · 08/06/2013 16:42

I think I know what he means about not having 'earned' a holiday. I don't go on holiday half as much as other people I know, even though I can afford to, because part of me just feels like it's a bit decadent to go away all the time...but then I really like my job, so probably don't feel like I really need the 'release' a holiday can provide - you definitely sound like you badly want a break!

There's no point in badgering your boyfriend to go on a holiday he doesn't want to go on, I don't think. I can see why you might feel reluctant to go on your own if you got drugged in a bar - what a horrible experience!

What about some sort of group holiday? You're 24. Companies like STA travel do offer lots of exotic adventure style holidays for groups. It's not my cup of tea, but you'd meet lots of people, never be lonely, and possibly go somewhere further afield than you might normally.

There are lots of holidays on offer that cater to specific interest groups as well - painting holidays, surfing holidays - everything really.

If I were in your shoes I would probably take myself off to a spa holiday or a language school.

kissitbetter · 08/06/2013 17:20

National trust working holidays are fantastic, and while they can be hard work, they are also a break from it all as you immerse yourself in something completely different. You meet loads of people and enjoy a stunning location. And definitely not decadent! Perhaps he would like something like that?

Whoknowswhocares · 08/06/2013 17:27

Errr, he might not think he has 'earned' a holiday but it certainly sounds like YOU have, with the difficult time you've been having.
Is he really not prepared to go away, perhaps for a compromise shorter time than your ideal, to make you happy?
Assuming money is not an issue, a partner who was not prepared to do something like this for me occasionally, particularly after a stressful time, would ring warning bells tbh

Original poster
PeopleAreAfraidToMerge · 09/06/2013 10:23

Thank you, some really good advice on here. I'm going to look into group holidays, like STA.

When I asked him if he realised that it was quite hurtful that he didn't want to spend time with me, he didn't really have an answer for me. He thinks going to Glastonbury is enough (disclaimer- free ticket in exchange for hard work! one of the perks of my job) but we won't actually be spending any quality time together as we'll be with a group, and working.

I think I'm going to try and bring it up with him again later. If he really doesn't want to go I'll have to make other plans, but I would really like to spend the time with him...

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/06/2013 12:36

I think it would really make me question my relationship tbh.

Do you really want to be in this position forever, you desperate to get away and him refusing? All very well to go on your own occasionally, but not all the time. What about if you have children in the future, will he still be refusing to go and on holiday and refusing you acknowledge your need for a holiday? What would happen then? You go alone and him stay at home with the children? You go with the children by yourself while he stays behind?

Does he put himself out for you in other ways?

Justforlaughs · 09/06/2013 12:40

If you are going to Glastonbury through work, it sounds like you might be from my neck of the woods! I'll go with you! Grin

Earlybird · 09/06/2013 12:53

Can you ask him to elaborate on what, exactly, would make him feel he has earned a holiday? Explain to him that you cannot easily support/sympathise with his stance on this if he is unwilling to explain himself so you understand his logic.

Oh and btw, think again about attributing this to 'he doesn't want to spend time with me'. It sells you short, and from the sounds of it, is not the reason he is refusing.

cardibach · 09/06/2013 15:58

I'd say some sort of group holiday. If it is travel/seeing the world you want, have a look at The Adventure Company, Explore and Exodus. I have used the family wing of the first two, but their adult holidays look excellent to (though not cheap). Many of their clients are solo travellers, although not all. There is a company called 'Solos' too, which someone recommended to me. HF holidays do walking and city breaks if you fancy that - I went on one of their UK walking holidays last year and it was excellent. Again most, but not all, of the group are single.

mumbaisapphire · 09/06/2013 16:43

I second the advice of everyone else who suggest doing a group tour. Also try G Adventures (formerly Gap Adventures), Intrepid and also Tucan travel. I did trips to south and Central America with G Advetures and Tucan and a North America trip with Intrepid. Met some fantastic people in the process and saw some amazing things. The groups were mainly single people (although not necessarily single in terms of relationship status!) a few couples and ages ranged from 18 to 50 something but in the main most people were aged 18 to 35. Everyone else is in the same boat so it's not that daunting. Go for it.

mumbaisapphire · 09/06/2013 16:47

Forgot to also say, if you ask him again and he is still non committal then please make sure you do go in holiday for yourself. Don't let him make you feel guilty for going or try to talk you out of it. His reaction to your plans to go it alone should tell you a lot.

xylem8 · 09/06/2013 17:54

YANBU I just ache to be lying in teh sunshine by a sparkling pool somewhere hot and classy, gazing in the distance at an azure sea and white sandy beach

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