...to have told DD to find her own way home?

[jessjessjess]

DD is in her first year at university, about 120 miles from home. She's in halls and has to move out in the holidays.

DW said she would collect her at the start of the Easter holiday and confirmed this twice but forgot and went to France instead. DD would have made alternative arrangements had she known about this in advance.

So DD called to ask if her mum was coming. I said no, she was in France. DD said she'd had to leave her room and was sitting in a doorway with her stuff - too much to carry onto a train by herself. I said: "What do you expect me to do about it?" and put the phone down. Was I BU?

Obviously this is a reverse AIBU. I've been working with some first-year uni students recently and have been struck by the fact that really they're just kids. I don't often talk to people about my toxic family but I told a friend this story and she said I was making a big deal out of nothing and I shouldn't have expected my parents to ferry me around.

I think she's missed the point but it's really thrown me. I have a hard time working out what's normal and what's not because nobody tells you at the time. I guess I just wondered how you would feel if your DD made a call like this and your DH hung up on her. That's not normal, is it? Or AIBU?

I would kill him, tbh. Bt then I wouldn't have forgotten in the first place.

It makes me feel very sad how common poor relationships between parents and adult children can be sometimes.

If there was an agreement between parent and child and the parent forgot the other parent needs to step up and come get the DD.

She would have had opportunity to make alternative arrangement if she had been told before hand she'd needed to fend for herself not told on the day and only when she called to check.

I don't think that was acceptable at all. Arrangements had been made and relied upon and the mother fucked up.

Expecting independence is all well and good but if you have promised to give someone a lift, you give them a lift.

Because she had all her stuff , yes, her parents should have collected her as arranged.That is really sad...

YABU. It's not DDs fault and I wouldn't leave her in that predicament.

yanbu. :(

As I mother I wonder how the hell you 'forget' to collect your child (adult or not) from anywhere when you have made the arrangement? No it is not normal. Nor is hanging up on your child when your DW has left them stranded.

Actually it's hard to yabu or yanbu on this without it seeming confused, I'm not sure what protocol is on reverse AIBUs! But no, I wouldn't treat my DC like that.

This has nothing to do with not expecting your family to ferry you around. She made a promise which meant you arranged things in a certain way. She then let you down meaning you were stuck because of arrangements made in good faith. Her representative (either your dad or your step-dad, I assume) could still have made apologies on her behalf and suggested alternative solutions but was instead extremely rude.

To be frank, I don't think 1st years students are just kids or should be encouraged to be just kids. If it was my dd I might well expect her to make her own arrangements as I did when I was at uni.

But once I had offered to help- as any other adult might have offered to help- I would not have buggered off and forgotten about it.

And if I had been idiotic enough to forget about it (not saying these things can't happen) then I would have been grovelling with apologies.

And if dh had been the only person available, he would have known that he was meant to grovel on my behalf.

I would expect university aged kids to be able to arrange their own transport to and from university, to be totally honest. I always went to and from uni on the train, took only as much stuff as I could manage on the train, and put other stuff I'd got at uni in storage. The only difficult journey was the last one moving out of my uni town, and I had to organise a car well in advance. But I do think that it is the norm for kids to be picked up and dropped off with a car load of stuff these days.

If there is an arrangement to be collected and a parent 'forgets' and buggers off - I would find that totally unacceptable, and incredibly hurtful. The other parent not helping, and even worse hanging up like that is just as bad, possibly worse. Very nasty. I'm sorry this memory sticks with you.

MadameCastafiore-I think you need to re-read it.

Both parents are bang out of order, maybe if you had had no stuff and money on you, jumping on a train would have been do able, what did you do?

I am amazed the mum forgot - how can you forget your child is coming home after being away at uni and secondly what a mardy arse dad!!!

The DD can come and stay with us - we are not perfect nor have pfb syndrome but at least we remember we have a child.

The expectation for your parents to drop everything and ferry you around with no notice once you are an adult is not on.

However a prearranged lift back with stuff that is too much for public transport is fine.

Forgetting said arrangement and sodding off to France is not on. However notifying the daughter something has come up and asking her to arrange something else (with enough notice) is fine.

When your wife has forgotten her promise and gone to France and left your daughter in the lurch, washing your hands of the entire thing is not on. Saying you are unable to get there due to the short notice (possibly work commitments) but ringing round and finding an alternative is fine.

It's very off behavior.

Given time -storage or alternative lifts could have been sorted out or there could have been option as there was in my hall to apply and pay to keep the room over the holiday period.

To leave someone in the lurch that late is never acceptable.

What did you do in the end?

Thanks for your replies. I was the DD. It was 12 years ago but was a kind of 'final straw' moment for me. However I've never quite been sure whether I was being unreasonable in thinking this wasn't really normal.

I had all my stuff so couldn't get on a train, and didn't have a car or driving license. Managed to organise a lift in the end. My mum swore blind that she'd never agreed to come in the first place (I swear I didn't imagine it) thereby absolving herself from having to think about how it actually felt.

Thank you for your posts. It's very helpful to hear that it really isn't normal.

It's the lack of warning when breaking an arrangement that I think is unfair.
I'm collecting DD at the end of term, and she'll have all her stuff with her.
I'll drop her off in the new term, and her stuff.
When she's shuttling on the train, she has a suitcase and such, so she can manage the journey and the underground.
But to leave someone in the lurch, surrounded by more than they can carry?
Not fair on any level.

YANBU

It's pretty obvious the op was the student here. ... Isn't it?

Fucking horrendous on the part of both parents.

One to forget the prior arrangement and fuck off out of the country.

Two to refuse to go pick up the dd once the fuck up became aparent.

Yes a student could get themselves home, but not with shitloads of stuff. That needs to be sorted in advance. Op thought it had been sorted. Ergo YADNBU.

Bastards. It was well out of order all round. Op. sorry your parents were such shits. Hope life s better now.

JessJess it is not normal and I am not surprised that you still remember. How hurtful, I cannot imagine how you felt on the day.

I have DH waiting for me to get ready to go out (just the garden centre nothing exciting) and I have had to come back to see if there were any updates on this thread. We are both outraged for you.

On the other hand I have parents that think money is better than time and over the years I have accepted how they are, they are not going to change and just accept that is how it is. Somehow this stops me getting hurt when they do something more outrageous than the last time. Like going on a pissup holiday when DB was rushed into hospital and nearly died due to his alcholism. They could not see the irony of their actions

Poor you Jess, sounds tough

poor you OP i'm so sorry you were let down.

my mum has form for 'forgetting' things that happened in our childhood. she denies point blank that certain conversations happened or that certain incidents never happened when both dsis both tell her it did.

ILoveOnionRings I'm sorry to hear that - I think you are wise to see that is how they are and it's not something you can change. I know that about mine, I'm just not sure I believe what I know, iyswim.

Earthworms Life is better now although I appear to still be clinging to the notion that my parents may at some point start acting like parents. I will NOT be repeating their mistakes.

A reverse AIBU is a risky thing to do so I appreciate the replies, thank you.

I think it is very unkind to the poor daughter :( who wouldn't pick up their child ????? Harsh parenting in my view and we have 3 dc at different uni in different years and we still pick up and drop off all of them it's part of being a parent