that I don't want to hear about someone being sick just as I'm about to have my dinner?

[amazingmumof6]

Background info:

Someone in our extended family is really ill with cancer.
any news about her, good or bad, is discussed promptly and prayed about. we are concerned about her and worried about her and her immediate family.

Yesterday there were some bad news that she's probably not going to last very long as she's not eaten since Sunday and can barely keep fluids down. she sleeps a lot nowadays. it is very sad indeed.

But am I being unreasonable to get annoyed that MIL, standing next to me in the kitchen, said "she was violently sick last night" just as I was about to sit down to eat my dinner?

my family was already sitting down, food on the table, when she gets off the phone and tells me that!
DH had just said that there are some bad news, having been on the phone prior to MIL, so I knew some details already and was really sad to hear them.

but I just don't need that image of anyone vomiting just as I'm about to eat! or that she's not had a poo for days!

I told her, no, sorry, I just don't want to hear it right now , can we discuss this after kids are in bed?

she (and everyone else in our family) knows that I don't want to discuss any yucky body related things at the table including gall stones, constipation, tooth extractions, puss, blood, infections etc.

so why can't she just be a little bit sensitive about it? why the dramatic describing of events?

I feel bad that I stopped her, like I don't care about a dying relative, but I really do! I just don't want graphic details...

Am I being an utter prick and selfish cow?

(I'm upset about this situation, so please be gentle with me if you think I'm indeed selfish.
I guess I'm looking for sympathy, but I may have overreacted?
oh, I just really can't stand those topics at the wrong time!)

In the nicest possible way, I agree you were being U. It wasn't a graphic description from what you've said. MIL probably just didn't think.

quote generalizations & assumptions are not helpful.

I'm not unfair to "others"

I don't find it hard to be around "these" situations - what "situations"?

this was one single incident, as described and the person is still alive! I did not say I don't want to listen at all, but only delay the conversation, however badly phrased.

it is useful for me to know that some people would have said nothing and that some can see what I mean - sometimes I do find it hard to see whether I overreacted, was oversensitive or even rude or if I was right and others might have felt the same way.

I'm very sorry for your losses!

(and FWIW I was told worse than put a lid on my grief, not that I would ever think or say anything as disgusting as that....but that's a whole other thread)

I think we all need to switch off at times...after all what use are we to the person dying/the grieving relatives if we don't look after ourselves

and sitting down to eat may have been the only time the OP was doing that

people still need to eat

If someone puts them off then they can't eat and that doesn't help anyone

I think mealtimes are a good time to switch off from being giving, and for everyone to eat something, and refuel, so that they can go on being caring and useful to those who need their support.

It was very bad timing. I think though that it was just one of those unfortunate things and best not dwell on it, you could mention it and apologise if you offended, if you think that is right, but otherwise, don't worry.

Fwiw a relative of mine died the other week. My whole family has been dealing with it, and we are still trying to look after ourselves - I asked my mother not to share graphic details with me, because I could not cope with them. But I have been listening to everything else.

We all have our limit.

rooneymara thank you

oh and I'm sorry for your loss!

Thanks OP.

Yabvu.

YANBU. You do sound a bit self-centred, but I know what it's like.

My MIL is like this, she relishes telling people bad news and especially details. One Christmas the baby daughter of a distant family friend (who I've never met and lives on the other side of the world) was very ill.

MIL (who also has never met this child, though she is close to the grandparents) would bring us up to date on the situation every morning, afternoon and evening, always in a way that would dwell on and drag out the bad news, which made us all feel permanently guilty for being happy with our own new baby. She was constantly saying this child was likely to die at any minute (3 years later the little girl is still alive and doing well, happily).

It was very sad but there was nothing to be gained from constantly going on about it when people were trying to have a happy Christmas together.

My dad is a bit like this too. He'll ring up to report that "so and so's father has died" when I've never met or even heard of the people in question. Truth is that some people take a weird, almost sadistic pleasure in having bad news to tell.

eccentrica

perhaps I act selfish or self-centred at times (aren't we all?), fair point, but I view it as self-protection.

I'm not a selfish person, however, and I do a lot for others, happily. not a problem.
I do consider other people's needs and feelings, which is precisely why I feel bad about what happened. because I care.

I hope that's obvious!

DH thinks I over think things (he's up now and I better tend to him).

I'll check back later, but I just wanted to thank all who shared their opinions so far - even the ones I found harder to hear!

I don't think you sound at all self centred, op. I wouldn't want to hear such details at the dinner table either and particularly not in front of children at any time. They need to be protected from these things. But your MIL obviously spoke before she thought it through, either because she was upset (the charitable view) or because she is like my own MIL and has a Daily Mail love of anything unpleasant or upsetting thinly disguised as concern. And, of course, you were then upset because you sound like you are having a very, very stressful and difficult time. I don't think you need to apologise to her at all, by the way.

Also, as someone who has experienced such grief yourself, it is probably very upsetting to hear someone dwelling on such irrelevant details when someone is dying.

My DH has actually told his mother to stop telling him such unpleasant things because he finds it so upsetting. Unfortunately, she now tells me instead and I am left with awful images in my head. I wish I could tell her to stop!

Finally, op, I am very, very sorry to hear about the loss of your baby and your father.

YABU. A missed meal would have been no hardship to your delicate tum.

laguardia that's not helpful, just mean.

YANBU. At all. I say this as the partner of someone who has advanced cancer and has to sleep sitting up because they vomit so readily.

Really really annoys me when friends discuss their kids/partners/best-friends-nieces-dog sicknesses and/or nappy woes when we are about to eat.

I too find it all too easy to visualise, especially since OH has been ill.

Actually I think a missed meal would have been hard on the op who is obviously going through a lot at the moment and will need all the strength she can get

thanks toffewhirl and gibber

also olidus - and I'm so sorry about your partner