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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Apparently I 'mummy' DS too much - AIBU

17 replies

YourUsernameHistory · 06/06/2013 22:49

DS 14mos old and going through a clingy stage. Doesn't want DP to feed him, doesn't want DP to change his nappy, just sobs his heart out for me

today DP was trying to give him breakfast while I washed up and he wouldn't take a thing, just kept screaming for me. I left the room in the hope he'd settle if I wasn't there, but he just became more and more distressed until I came back and sat down with him at the table

DP shouted that mummy him too much. I told him this was rubbish and DS was just being a normal 14 month old, going through a clingy phase not helped by molars coming through

I'm really angry though. I give DP plenty of space to bond with DS alone, but I am his mummy and what the fuck else do you do with a baby (and he is still a baby) than make them feel loved and secure when they are crying for you

Am I seeing this in the wrong way or is DP really being as stupid and insensitive as he seems?

OP posts:

SantanaLopez · 06/06/2013 22:50

YANBU, but it must really hurt when your baby screams that he doesn't want you. So cut your DP some slack for just now.

thebody · 06/06/2013 22:53

Welcome to the world of motherhood. Always stuck in the middle and placating dh and Dcs..

Seriously all kids have this clingy phase but its hard for the parent who feels rejected.

It will pass so reassure dh its perfectly normal.

WorraLiberty · 06/06/2013 22:55

YANBU but it cant' be easy for him either during this phase

Did he still think you mother him too much, after he'd calmed down or was it just said in the heat of the moment?

TheChaoGoesMu · 06/06/2013 22:56

You are right. My ds used to be like that. Now at 3.5 yrs he yells for daddy to help him with stuff instead. Which is great as its less work for me

mumofweeboys · 06/06/2013 22:57

Iv been on the otherside when my dp was a sahd. My ds woild scream for his daddy, wouldnt look at me. I was heartbroken but tried to take it on the chin but would irrationally angry at dp even though knew it wasnt his fault esp in situations like u just described as it made me feel like a failure.

Boots on the other foot now with next ds as Im at home,dp works and yep ds2 really wants mummy. Only time he takes daddy is when dp gets up with them and I stay in bed.

Original poster

YourUsernameHistory · 06/06/2013 23:00

Nope he stands by what he says! Says I should try to distract him rather than cuddle him when he's sobbing. Says I can't keep pandering too him as "what will it be like when he goes to nursery?" - dont intend to send him there till 3 and DP can't seek to get it into his head that DS isn't screaming for me because I'm doing something wrong and that this too shall pass. Grr. He's off work at the mo and I just wish he'd sod off back!

OP posts:

zippey · 06/06/2013 23:06

I don't think it can be helped. Its a phase and should not be taken personally, and seeing you are the person the baby sees most, the baby will cry for you.

I agree that you should think about how it would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and your baby rejected you all the time though. It cant be easy. But my advice to husband would be not to take it personally and stay calm.

Cosydressinggown · 06/06/2013 23:09

Your DP is just hurt and lashing out.

Ignore him and keep mothering your child.

CatsRule · 06/06/2013 23:10

My ds is 15 months and is exactly the same and very clingy.

Dh does understand it's a phase but must be hard for him although it's hard for us too!

With perseverance and clever planning (playing hide.and seek and he distracts ds while I go to another room) dh has managed to create bathtime as their time and I get a minute to myself...even if it is to wash dishes woth both hands and no baby on my hip!

If ds sees me walk away he goes mental so we make it a game. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't...maybe worth a try?

Ds doea do.some things better with me like eating and some things better for dh. We have accepted this and the fact it will pass.

It's not easy though especially those back teeth that don't seem to want to appear but your dh shouldn't put extra pressure in you by blaming you...you are doing nothing wrong but I can understand his frustration.

Kiwiinkits · 06/06/2013 23:13

At one time or another, every father in the country has commented to their wife/partner that they 'mummy' their child too much. It's a common man-phrase. Just continue what you're doing and try to be sympathetic with DP. Practice an exaggerated eye roll for when he says stuff like this.

CatsRule · 06/06/2013 23:15

Just read your.comment re nursery...my.ds goes to nursery and my mums while I work. He is fine with both...it only seems tonbe dh and I he plays up with...because we are his parent and he can get away with it I presume...learning the art of manipulation early

Also, while he is clingy with me he is loves his Dad...like you say at that age they really are still babies!

OxfordBags · 06/06/2013 23:23

Yes, he is being stupid and insensitive. You are MEANT to be mummying him at that age. You would actually be a worse mother if you did what your DH suggests. Is he one of those idiots who thinks that you will make boys weak or gay or something equally offensive and preposterous, just by showing them some love and comfort? Or is he one of those who misguidedly thinks that you create independence in children by not giving them lots of reassurance, etc. (every study on the issue shows the exact opposite is true)?

It must be hard that Ds wants your comfort and not his daddy's, but your DP is an adult, and needs to act like one. He's coming across as jealous, not hurt. He can control and cope with his emotions if DS wanting you right now upsets him. Your Ds cannot control or cope with his big emotions, and not even understand them. The way to help guide him to controlling and coping with them is making him feel as secure and loved as possible - by mummying him. I see mummy as a verb as very positive. How vile that your DP sees it as a bad thing!

thebody, you saying that motherhood is always placating Dh or the DCs troubles me. It really isn't like that at all. It shouldn't be like that at all. Your husband or partner is an adult. You are not responsible for them like you are children.

valiumredhead · 06/06/2013 23:26

I would have left dh and Burr gone back in. I don't think you baby him from you're OP but does sound like you under minded your dh. I would've been fuming in his position tbh.

OxfordBags · 06/06/2013 23:26

Kiwiinkits, my Dh has never said that I mummy our son too much. Please do not tar all men with the same brush. I personally would not be with a man who said things like that. I couldn't respect him or trust him to be an adequate parent if he did.

valiumredhead · 06/06/2013 23:27

Not, not Burr

Mined not minded

Daft phone

NaturalBaby · 06/06/2013 23:29

Ds3 only wanted me to do anything and everything for him. He's now 2 and Daddy has to do everything for him...give your DS and DP a few more months and you'll be putting your feet up with nothing to do!

superbadspeller · 06/06/2013 23:35

Df did this when ds went through a mummy only stage but more towards ds than me ''no no theres mum i'm not good enough'' in a half joking way but i told him often it was a phase and ds soon went back to being daddys boy.

'Mummying' really is such a man word - there is nothing wrong with comforting an upset baby! although i would say distraction seems to be a better choice for us most of the time otherwise ds plays on his 'upset' for a lot longer than is necessary.

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