To feel very hypocritical but very scared for my girls

[Shelly32]

As a teen I did some things, as we've all done I imagine, and regretted them. I was brought up very well by a family who loved me dearly and instilled what I guess could be called old fasioned values. Maybe I was rebelling, maybe I was experimenting, maybe I was just doing what most teenagers do. Either way, I 'snogged' a lot of boys, probably did more than I should have done with some boys and now think...Oh My goodness.. I do not want my girls to behave like that. They are 3 yrs old and anything like that is a long way off but I can't see anything that my parents did wrong in bringing me up for me to do what I did. I had a prefect childhood and my parents were fair yet strict. The only thing I can blame is possibly my lack of self esteem yet my mother always told me how beautiful and clever I was. Everyone is different and Iknow I can't control my girls. I'm more than happy now and in a way feel everything has lead me to this but want my girls to have more respect for themselves than I used to have but don't know how to go about it as my parents didn't put a foot wrong apart fom maybe being too trusting at times.

I don't really understand all the angst with regards to a little experimentation and to making foolish mistakes in your teens. Isn't that how you learn? What is so wrong with a bit of snogging and a bit of a fumble?

OK, Pear pressure can direct kids into directions that they wouldn't normally go BUT that also is part of the learning process. Finding out who you are and finding the strength to take your own path.

I recently read "Raising Girls" by Steve Biddulph. It is a brilliant book, and has some great strategies for helping your girls grow into confident adults, with a healthy relationship with their parents.

Here's teh link to the book

Maybe I'm just overprotective. I teach 11-18yr olds and have seen an uplifting air of confidence and self assurance in some. Some who in my day would have ben seen as 'square' appear to be confident, self assured and lacking in consideration re what more 'active' and confident' members of the class/school think. It's something I want for my children and was asking for advice.
Yes, learning processses have been taken into consideration but still.. they're my babies and while not being prudish in the slightest I still don't want them to do what I've done.

allinatizz Thank you XX

You can't put an old head on young shoulders. You can't hide them away from the world.

Just be there, try to keep communication open, face facts that they are growing up and will make mistakes, kids frogs, get drunk, dress like idiots, be unreasonable due to hormones and want to please peers.

But but most kids do get through a bit bruised and battered but wiser and ready for life as adults.

Kiss frogs!! Not kids frogs!!!

We all do things like that, and mostly it's just experience and still turn out reasonably level headed!

As for self esteem in your girls..I think less focus on beauty and more on personality.. I know young girls are often told how beautiful and pretty they are, but I think too much focus on how they look may lead them to subconsciously make them think their worth comes solely from their looks. And generally, praise hard work rather than cleverness (so they learn to work hard not just accept they're clever). I'm also terrified at the prospect of raising children and teaching them the 'wrong' way to think about things etc.. so I don't blame you for being worried about it! I'm sure they'll grow up just fine though :)

thebody What you are saying appeals to my head but by heart is screaming Noooo! I know they have to grow, learn, experiment. I just hope they do it in a wiser and more informed way than I ever did. I guess that's up to me but when I look back I can't see what more my Ma/Pa could have done.. I'll get over the fact I can only do so much but still...

SugarandSpice I will never stop telling my girls they are beautiful. You can be beautiful and clever and they are and I don't stop telling them they're clever either! To me , theses two things don't have to be separate. If they are, fine; if they're not, I'm not gonig to ignore one aspect and uphold the other.

Doh..I'm a teacher and look at all those errors!!! Disgraceful!

That book also goes into how to handle body image, self esteem, "mean girls".... it's a good'un.
Also useful as you're a teacher, OP.

(No I don't work for the publishers, I just thought it was brilliant!)

When I think about my teens, I shudder. Nothing bad happened to me but that was luck, not judgement. I don't have girls. I'm relieved I don't I think. Though the worry of boys is different. Scary.

I had a full and active sexlife teenage-hood, iyswim, and traditional values parents. Do I have regrets? Bloody hell no! I taught a few boys some things, lucky them. I hope my daughters don't take any shit from any boys. They'll need to know their personal boundaries and know how to assert themselves when something isn't within their boundaries.

The thought of my tiny little DD doing the things I did in my 20s horrifies me, but at the the same time, I had a whale of a decade, and don't regret any of it for a second.

I had a strict upbringing and sheltered life until I moved away to go to university at 18. I got up to all sorts then, and them even more when I moved to London by myself at 24 from the other side of the world.

I think all you can do (what my parents did) is build the best foundation possible for them, so that when they get to the years that inevitably involve experimentation and mistakes and learning hard lessons, they're well equipped to get through it all, relatively unscathed.

People have to learn by their own mistakes and an over protective mother just makes you determined to do it- but make quite sure she doesn't know!
DonDraper has the right answer- you give them a secure, loving foundation so they are well equipped to survive it. The teens are the age to find out who you are- which may be quite different from what your mother thinks you are!

You give them roots and you give them wings.
You let go gradually.
Those in danger are the ones who are over controlled and over protected.

You could say it great that you had these life experiences and experiments and that in some way your life has been the fuller for it.
But I'm interested in the bit where you say your mother told you you were clever and beautiful. I'm not sure that this is a route to self esteem. If anything, it could have made you dependent on the praise and flattery of others, hence the peer-approval seeking behaviour. I think that narcissism can be part of the teenage condition and I'm not sure it's helpful to feed this in such a direct way.
With your girls I would focus on trusting them to live their own lives, make their own mistakes... But seeing that they are equipped to do this safely - by which I mean knowing how to get on the pill, use condoms etc!
I think your op is really interesting. It's made me feel all philosophical. Hope you're feeling better.

I was a shocker of a teen, got up to all sorts, not overly sexual, that came later, but drink, drugs and rock and roll was on the menu. I had a whale of a time, and enjoyed 80% of it, however, thinking of DD in those situations makes me feel uneasy.

I think the best way is to ensure your children have a solid, loving base they can call home. Somewhere safe, and without harsh judgement. Our job is to raise well adjusted, functioning citizens of society, they have to make their own mistakes to learn.

That said, I wish for DD to go and have fun, but have her head screwed on with it, something I had as a teen. I'm quite envious of the fun shes going to have, but then again, I never did really grow up ;)

I think when your children are so small it's hard to imagine them having an independent life away from you - of course it is. But gradually the milestones come - school being a massive one and they do start to spread their own wings.

It is of course almost impossible to imagine our young children as adult, sexual beings but I have to say (sorry if this is going to sound a bit ick, I fear it is) giving young people the tools to enjoy a healthy sex life is a fantastic gift to give - that is, knowing it's OK to say no, knowing what to do when they hear no, self esteem and boundaries they've set for themselves and know how to enforce, among other things.

Getting things wrong is part of this process - our children will make mistakes in this aspect of their life (as they do in all the others) but we have to try our best to bring them up in a way that their mistakes won't be too big or have too big an impact in them.

In the nicest possible way, bringing girls up as pretty princesses who shouldn't sully the hem of their garment with the mucky fingers of a grubby sex-seeking boy is not going to help them navigate the choppy waters of understanding their own bodies and their own desires. Sex and experimentation with it is a natural part of life. Teaching that 'nice girls don't' won't work. I'm not saying you're doing this of course, and your girls are still so young, but it's just something to think about. If I told you the number of sexual partners I'd had I think your head would explode but I regret none of it.

I know I'm being harsh on the OP. But I'm just trying to present an alternative view.

I'm also not sure why you feel so bad about a few snogs. Snogging boys was, for better or worse, my pastime between the ages of about 18 and probably 30! Reading the relationship boards has made me quite glad that I lived as a single woman for much of my twenties- I'm not bored in my relationship and don't hanker after some guy flirting with me to make life seem exciting - been there, done that with bells on.

I'm afraid the idea of our children becoming sexually active is always cringe-worthy, and I am dreading having to have 'chats' about it, but as WilsonFrickett says, it's not realistic to shy away from this and imagine that only if they were some type of regressive 'good girl' it would all go away. They may grow up and settle down very quickly, they may do the opposite.

I think teaching them about being safe, knowing their own mind (and desires) and modelling a healthy relationship is the best you can do.

Great post from Wilson!

Of course I want my dd to be cautious. Of course I want her to be safe. But I would be very sorry if her whole life was governed by a total ban on risk-taking, if she saw life as being primarily about never making mistakes.

I was definitely brought up that 'nice girls don't etc etc.

I was a very good girl.

At uni, the girl who just would not sleep with you, so don't try and bother. In other words, definitely not considered a slapper!

Fast forward til I was 30, newly single after a long, committed relationship..

Oh. My. God.

My mother would be appalled. Definitely!

There is nothing my mum or dad could have done differently imo. You have to make your own mistakes, surely? Whether that's at 18 or 30!

OP, I am also dreading my LO becoming a teen and sexually active etc, especially with the internet porn, selfies and all that rubbish. It was bad enough in my day with peer pressure, but at least no one was texting begging for a photo or god forbid a video. That is what really worries me the most. We will definitely have to have chats with our kids that a photo or video would stay with you for life - scare the living bejeesus out of them!

Thanks both, I am still cringing from writing it! Can't imagine having the chats with DS either but it's so important to do it.