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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying DD a treat without buying for DS.

27 replies

ShadeofViolet · 06/06/2013 14:18

That makes it sound awful but hear me out.

DD has started having little accidents - not going to the toilet quickly enough so that she wets her knickers. We have tried not making a big fuss but that hasnt worked, so we have gone back to reward chart (which worked with her staying in her own bed really well).

So if she does 5 days of no accidents, she gets a treat. Today was the 5th day so I have got her a little fairy doll from wilko.

DH thinks that if I am going to buy DD a treat, I should buy one for DS too. My reasoning is that he gets pocket money £10 a week. But also, if I buy him a treat, DD will wonder why she has bothered iyswim.

AIBU? I am prepared to be told I am horrid.

OP posts:
survivingthechildren · 06/06/2013 14:22

Well, I personally think it's alright. I just wouldn't be buying/handing over the reward right under DS's nose. That wouldn't be too great for him.

But if he asks, you can just say that this is DD's reward, and he can earn x reward by doing y.

findingme · 06/06/2013 14:23

How old are they? Does DD get pocket money too?

Mixxy · 06/06/2013 14:24

If your DS is getting 10 quid a week, I'm assuming that he is a little bit older than his DSis. Perhaps explain to him that he gets his pocket money for good behaviour and that his little sister needs a little help/reward with her accidents.
My DM had a similar situation with me and my DB. She always told me, "You were so quick to learn this, but your DB needs a little more help. You understand, right?"

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 06/06/2013 14:25

Is he saying that your daughter should get £10 a week too?

Pancakeflipper · 06/06/2013 14:25

We had similar with DS2 in having a reward chart that resulted in a treat.

DS1 ( he was 6 at the time) wasn't bothered because he thought (wrongly) that when he was the same age as DS2 he also had a reward chart and got treats.

If you feel guilty then just cook their fav meal for them, make their fav pud or let them pick the film etc... so they know they are not forgotten and are loved.

LedaOfSparta · 06/06/2013 14:25

I suppose it depends on ages; my DSs would probably create a bit if one got a treat and the other didnt but would have to get over it.

Ds1 age 8 would probably understand the rationale behind it and be ok with and explanation but I think ds2 (6) would find it more difficult.

If it were me (and it has been) I would reward the child that's been working towards it and praise the other for being grown up and understanding etc etc

Original poster
ShadeofViolet · 06/06/2013 14:26

DS is 12
DD is 4.

OP posts:
alarkaspree · 06/06/2013 14:27

I agree with surviving, it's fine as long as you don't give it to her with ds watching. It would be less ideal if the treat was something that your ds would also have liked but I imagine that's not the case with the fairy doll. If you don't make a big deal out of it in his presence he probably won't even notice.

treas · 06/06/2013 14:27

YANBU - your dd has earned her treat, what reason does DH give for ds earning his.

Alternatively, if ds has done especially well at school or done a household chore beyond those required of him then maybe he has earned a treat too.

JazzDalek · 06/06/2013 14:29

I think this is fine, especially as he's 12 and gets a tenner a week.

I have rewarded each of my two DC for particular achievements without compensating the other, at various times. They are 8 and 4 and they understand.

findingme · 06/06/2013 14:29

Given those ages, I think YANBU. It will make DD's achievements less meaningful if DS gets a reward too.

Original poster
ShadeofViolet · 06/06/2013 14:29

I should explain the £10 a week - its given to DS and he can either spend it on bus fares or keep it if he wants to walk.

We also have a DS2 who is 6. He has SN and couldnt give two hoots about treats, rewards etc, but he doesnt get pocket money either, just lots and lots of bubble mix Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
ShadeofViolet · 06/06/2013 14:29

I also think that DH might have been speaking to Step-MIL, who thinks all treats are bad, whatever the reason.

OP posts:
Justfornowitwilldo · 06/06/2013 14:33

Your DH is being daft. At 12 your DS is old enough to get why you're doing this for his sister. If you were spending £££ on her then it would be different but a fairy doll from Wilko's??? I'm sure an unexpected packet of whatever nutritionally void, processed crap is his current favourite will more than make up for it Grin

Mixxy · 06/06/2013 14:34

12 is perfectly old enough to understand that younger kids need motivation/rewards. You cannot treat a 4 year old and a 12 year old the same. That said, having a SN child in the middle, might leave your DS1 feeling as if everybody else gets something and he gets to choose between walking and having pocket money. Is there room in your budget to maybe throw a couple extra quid your DS1s way?

HeffalumpTheFlump · 06/06/2013 14:37

Given their ages I don't think it's a problem at all. DS is surely old enough for you to have a little word and explain that DD is having trouble with accidents and why you are using the reward chart. Unless he is very spoilt I cant see him having a problem with his little sister having a little treat as a reward for staying dry. You could always give him an opportunity to earn a treat in another way if he is feeling left out, but I doubt he would be interested in anything of the same value!

Justfornowitwilldo · 06/06/2013 14:37

It does seem a little harsh that your DS only gets pocket money if he walks. But maybe you live really close to his school?

Original poster
ShadeofViolet · 06/06/2013 14:38

£5 is his pocket money, the extra £5 is his to spend on bus fares to school (DH picks him up) or saving it.

I did try and explain that DS1 probably has more than the other two - ££ for school trips, including £300 for a trip to France in October. He also goes to town to the cinema quite a lot recently, as well as tennis coaching which he asked for.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShadeofViolet · 06/06/2013 14:39

Sorry, I realise I didnt explain the pocket money thing well.

I did it like this because I hoped it would teach him how to budget and make choices about what to spend your money on.

OP posts:
Mixxy · 06/06/2013 14:41

Well then YANBU. DS1 gets his own treats. Tennis lessons! Not cheap.

Justfornowitwilldo · 06/06/2013 14:41

That sounds perfect. I assumed you weren't making him hike 5 miles a day in the driving rain Grin

Smartiepants79 · 06/06/2013 14:48

DS is well and truly old enough to understand why his much smaller sister is being rewarded.
It's not a treat its a reward.
I can never understand this sort of thing it's a bit like buying presents for all DC when it's one of the childrens' birthdays just so no one feels hard done by.
It's important that they learn that sometimes it's not about them.
This is about your DD achieving something she has been working towards.
I would be worried about a 12 year old that can't cope with his 4 year old sister getting rewarded.

MrsCampbellBlack · 06/06/2013 14:51

I think its swings and roundabouts. That's how I was brought up and that's how I bring my children up. One may get a treat one day if I see something that I know they'd like/need and another may get something another day.

Interestingly, my sister and I get on really well and don't have any sibling rivalry, well not much Wink But DH was brought up where if one child had something the other had to have the exact same value spent on them at the same time. It has not ended well.

Suzieismyname · 06/06/2013 14:52

Yanbu. Even if they were much closer in age.

wheredidiputit · 06/06/2013 14:56

So your DS get's

£5 pw pocket money
£5 pw travel money which he can chose to spend on himself in he wants.
is getting an expensive school trip probably £300 at least
And Tennis coaching weekly again £50 per month at least

And your 4 yr dd can not have a £5 toy for remembering to get the toilet on time for a week.

I think you dh needs to reassess how he treats his children.