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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think monogamy is a myth?

49 replies

Nagoo · 05/06/2013 00:03

The more I know about life, the more I think that monogamy isn't a real thing. I live it. I believe my dh does. But when i hear all the time of other people's indiscretions, I think I must be so naive!

OP posts:

bikinihedgetrimmers · 05/06/2013 00:08

It's not a myth. People do it. It's just not for everyone - some of which are in polyamorous or open relationships and some of which simply cheat on their partners.

SirBoobAlot · 05/06/2013 00:10

Of course it's real. Some people are just cheating, lying, selfish, bastard scumbags.

Scorned, me?

Virgil · 05/06/2013 00:13

of course it isn't a myth. I've never cheated on DH, you yourself say you've never cheated.

Just because some people do cheat it doesn't mean everyone does.

FreudiansSlipper · 05/06/2013 00:20

No I do not think it is a myth

I am not really sure we are naturally meant to be monogamous but religion and society have made us beleive this is the way we should be

AllegraLilac · 05/06/2013 00:36

Its not a myth. Despite everyone I've ever loved sleeping with other people, it will happen for me.

StuntGirl · 05/06/2013 01:06

Monogamy isn't a myth, there are just a lot of people who don't want monogamy who pretend that they do, and invariably hurt their partner while they're at it. It's a pretty twattish thing to do.

Lazyjaney · 05/06/2013 01:46

Some people are monogamous all of the time, all people are monogamous some of the time etc etc

SodaStreamy · 05/06/2013 01:54

It's not a myth however some people do 'dilly dally' with another and sometimes that's because they no longer want to be with their partner but are to scared leave the relationship due to commitments such as children and finances.

A good healthy relationship is mogomist but not all relationhips are good or healthy

foolmouse · 05/06/2013 07:27

Not a myth but it definitely isn't for everyone.

The older i've got the more i've realised just why SOME people cheat. Marriage isn't easy, some people also as soda said are afraid or feel they can't leave due to finances, how they'd cope alone, maybe feel they don't want to break their children's family apart etc. So they go out and find someone else that makes them happy and think the easiest way to go about it is to just to deal with their P/spouse and have this other person secretly to go to that makes them happy. Also I think it's a thrill, life can easily become very humdrum and lack any spontaneity.

Not that i'm trying to make excuses for them per se, i'm just a lot less judgemental of SOME who cheat. Then again there are some who just can't handle monogamy and hurt others because they can't be honest about that. And some who get an ego boost out of being 'The Lord/Lady of the manor' able to get as many wo/men as they want. So it isn't all clean cut.

ScarletLady02 · 05/06/2013 08:13

It's obviously way too early for me...I thought that read "mahogany"

GalaxyDefender · 05/06/2013 09:23

It is a myth, but one most of us have fully committed to. Like religion, in a way, it's a shared delusion.

I would never even consider cheating on a partner, even before I was cheated on myself.
The thing is, when most people think about "cheating", they basically mean "having sex with someone else". To me, sex isn't a big deal so I wouldn't go looking for it elsewhere. As a result, I have no sympathy for people who go around shagging people who aren't their significant other.
Those in emotional affairs, however, I feel a bit more sympathetic towards. It must be hard to fall in love with someone else when you're in a committed relationship.

That said, I would scorn anyone who acted on those feelings without dealing with their current relationship first.

FryOneFatManic · 05/06/2013 09:28

I have to say I don't have sympathy for people in emotional affairs, because there are many stages to it and therefore the opportunity to pull the plug at any time.

FreudiansSlipper · 05/06/2013 09:36

i do not think a good healthy relationship has to be monogamist. after all most of us will have had more than one sexual relationship. i know a few who like to swing they are all very happy. one her husband is away a lot and they both have been up front that they were not faithfull to each other but for them it is just about sex nothing else

my friends dad is an actor he would be away for months both her parents strayed but 50 years on they are very happy, of course at times it may have caused friction but they both understood they had desires that had nothing to do with love

but both partners have to feel the same way if it is only one well that is not a healty relationship and will show in other ways too

reelingintheyears · 05/06/2013 09:41

No it's not a myth.

Not all of us are cheating,lying bastards.

Some people can have open relationships,i can't.

Toadinthehole · 05/06/2013 09:51

FreudiansSlipper

If you don't believe religion is divinely inspired, you must believe that it is a human response to pressures on society. On this basis, monogamy is an entirely human and natural moral view.

thecakeisalie · 05/06/2013 09:52

I don't think its a myth but I do know its not a natural human instinct. I'm just glad its an instinct alot of us can ignore I'm fairly certain I couldn't be in an open relationship.

Having said that sex can be just sex, for me deceit and/or falling in love with some one else would hurt far more than if dh had a one night stand. Hoping I never have to find out of course and I trust him completely so not worried.

Bonsoir · 05/06/2013 09:54

I'm monogamous and have every reason my DP is monogamous. But I agree with the OP - many people are not faithful/loyal to their partners.

quoteunquote · 05/06/2013 09:58

OP, are you my BiL?

He is utterly fascinated by myth of monogamy, and constantly questions us, he can't believe it is true.

His and DH's father, is a spectacular philanderer, as is BiL, and are genuinely shocked that DH rejects the concept, It destroyed DH's childhood, he didn't see his father from the age of nine, was left looking after a bed ridden mother with MH problems, because her husband was perfectly vile.

One brother went on to be a frequent philanderer, the other (DH) would rather die than ever be that person.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/06/2013 09:59

Interesting views from foolmouse and freudianslipper.

I think there are more relationship 'transgressions' going on than anybody knows or can guess at really. I also think that in the case of extra-marital affairs, sometimes one or both of the affair partners underestimates the feelings that inevitably develop. I don't think it's all about just sex, more about intimacy and recapturing the intense feelings of a new relationship.

I think we 'make ourselves' monogomous - or deviate from this 'norm', by agreement (or without). I dont think it's necessarily a natural state and the imbalance seems to be tilted towards men who can perhaps 'compartmentalise' far better - and more naturally - than a woman can.

I have a friend who was terribly hurt in her relationship with a married man. She fell in love and thinks that he did (a bit) too. I don't know but, I know that she did. Several months on and she's not over him.

She's not a 'lying, cheating, bastard' and actually, I don't think he is either. They made poor decisions, judgements and have flaws as have the rest of us.

ParadiseChick · 05/06/2013 10:03

I don't think it's a myth, it's some people's preference.

Others swing or go with others yet maintain a healthy marriage.

As long as everyone is on the same hymn sheet then that's fine.

MrsMook · 05/06/2013 10:03

The biological advantage of monogamy is knowing the offspring's parentage, which reduces the chances of accidental incest. A close family unit also helps secure care for the offspring, especially as our offspring take so long to mature to a state where they can survive independently of their parents.

Pack species like lions don't need the benefit of this so much as they reproduce more offspring at a time so a greater chance of genes being passed on sucessfully.

We are not the only monogamous species.

Mosman · 05/06/2013 10:05

Apparently 50% of married people will have an affair at some point. Is it better to know that and face it or pretend it could never happen to you I don't k ow. I married a right ugly bastard and still wasn't safe

Dahlen · 05/06/2013 10:06

Toadinthehole - I don't think pair-bonding and monogamy are necessarily the same thing, especially life-long monogamy.

Monogamy is largely a social construct and arose in no small part from a need to establish ownership over property. Property consisted of women and children, so on that basis society consisted only of adult men. So you can't really say that it's an entirely human and moral stance; a male and asset-protective stance maybe?

I think just as people vary in personality and character, so they vary in the best type of relationship for them. I personally couldn't have an open relationship or be polyandrous because the possible physical consequences are too high for me to feel it is worth it, but I can't see anything morally wrong with it as long as it involves complete honesty.

FreudiansSlipper · 05/06/2013 10:21

natural view from what the morals that are society morals or our own

since the 60's when women gained sexual freedom that they just did not have before has allowed women to have number of sexual partners, now is beoming acceptable (to many not all these changes take time) in doing so in less the 50 years womens position in society has totally changed. we are more open to sex being an enjoyable act not just something that is done within a marriage or loving relationship or to make babies. ideas and views are changing, how we view sex is changineg and more and more women can have that freedom are having open relationships

moral views change throughout time we are going through huge changes at the moment our views and relationship with sex is changing, as is religion being such a big influence

Original poster

Nagoo · 05/06/2013 10:31

If 50% of people will have an affair and it only takes one of a pair to stray, then it doesn't bode well does it?

For me, being monogamous is about the security of our family unit. I think too much of my DH.

But I think that for a huge number of people, it is a risk assessment, isn't it? If I do this, will I get away with it? What will be the damage if I do?

If I think of how many relationships I know about that people cheat, and I'm not particularly nosey or close to these people but I know one partner has had an affair, I am disappointed I suppose, because I want to know it can be done, long term, and I'm lacking in examples!

OP posts:

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