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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be feeling sad for dd.

24 replies

glam71 · 04/06/2013 21:47

Ddd is always well behaved but is not the kind of child who stands out. She belongs to 2 clubs but is never noticed when it comes too awards. In 5 years she never received any awards in one club Yet one of the leaders 2 children has received them lots of times.

Now last night she found out that another child was promoted to seconder before her despite her having
Seniority.

It's the same at school. She always seems to havee to do something really special to get awards yet the lless well behaved always seemto get them.

Aibu

OP posts:

MyDarlingClementine · 04/06/2013 21:51

How Old is she?
Mine is at some clubs for the infants, and already i am sticking my oar in because they did an end of term presentation and only the best improved got stickers, I think as it was the first time ever they all did something they should have all got some.
Depending how old your DC is - she should question this. Or you should. It should be pointed out anyway. IMHO.

foreverondiet · 04/06/2013 21:54

Yes be sad for her - but is that not life. DO mention it, but there might be a reason.

foreverondiet · 04/06/2013 21:55

SOrry meant to say that is life. Its sometimes unfair.

HollyBerryBush · 04/06/2013 22:01

She always seems to havee to do something really special to get awards yet the lless well behaved always seemto get them

Does she step outside of the box like those with behavioural issues do? If you are 10/10 you will be over looked because you have made no progress, if you started at 3/20 and improved to 8/10 that is a massive leap and should be rewarded.

BUT rewards shouldn't be about those to make leaps and bounds, but also those that are inherently top of the scale also.

LindyHemming · 04/06/2013 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sommink · 04/06/2013 22:11

I spoke to dd's school (shes 5) about a weekly award they give out for achievement, not in any specific thing but just an achievement for the child. Dd got the award the first week of the first term for being well mannered, she then never received another one. Worse still (from her point of view) other children were getting them for moving up in reading the same week she moved up and she was on higher level books then them. She briefly stopped trying to read because of it because everyone else got rewards and all she got was harder books bloody stupid obvious colour coding

Anyway, I mentioned it to the teachers at parents evening and they said we are supposed to keep a list but "honestly we haven't since the first half term". She got her certificate for good reading that week. Rewards are all well and good as long as they remember that some children will automatically behave/work well/tidy up and they need praise for doing it without being told to

marriedinwhiteagain · 04/06/2013 22:13

I have one like your dd. AT 15 she is starting to believe in herself. She is fabulous but she is top average, quiet and has never caused a minute's trouble or upset and is generally nice and kind. Hasn't stopped her crying herself to sleep because she thinks she's not speshul enough.

Welln she I speshul - too speshul to get silly badges 'coz she's SPECIAL and no trouble

cocolepew · 04/06/2013 22:19

His was my DDthe whole way through primary scool. She was very quiet ad very good and got totally ignored, theless wel vehaved children got certificates etc for trying to be better behaved.
As soon as she went to high school that all changed, allgoid vehaviour is rewardedand she has had a lot 'treats, days out etc. Her self esteem sky rocketed.

frogspoon · 04/06/2013 22:52

In our brownie pack we have a list of brownies by birthday, to make sure that the older ones get a turn at being a seconder and sixes (unfortunately it also means the silly immature ones have a turn as well!) Sometimes this involves shuffling the sixes when there is an age imbalance. Maybe speak to the leaders and ask when she will be promoted to seconder as she is one of the oldest ones.

It may be that the Brownies have a different way of deciding who should be Seconder/Sixer e.g. who has stronger leadership qualities. It could be that if your dd is quite quiet or shy, her leadership qualities may not actually be very strong and the leaders may feel she may not be able to manage the responsibility.

You could try enrolling her in something like speech and drama/ stagecoach etc to boost her confidence, which may get her noticed more.

Original poster

glam71 · 04/06/2013 23:24

Thank you for your replies.

Dd is 9.

I must admit I thought promotion to seconder was dependent upon length of time in brownies certainly so me seconders are much younger than her. Maybe it is done on age too.

OP posts:

Original poster

glam71 · 04/06/2013 23:25

Also I do accept leaders child had made improvents the year she won the award. It just seems unfair that consistant contributions are not noticed or rewarded.

OP posts:

TheSecondComing · 04/06/2013 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 04/06/2013 23:39

TSC DD2 is G&T - blimey, who'd have seen that coming when she was a tiny terror I hope, when you got told to get a fucking grip 'get over it' that you gave back as good as you got?? Poor DD :( Have you talked to the teachers about it? It's crap if neither of them are rewarding her good behaviour and work!!

Glam poor DD. I'd speak to the leaders/teachers etc and point out that the quiet, well behaved ones, seem to be being 'over looked'.

Of course you could just tell the kids 'that's life' and 'we behave because we should, not for reward' etc but why should the 'good' ones miss out all the time and have to 'not let it bother them'??

TheSecondComing · 04/06/2013 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MildlyMiserable · 04/06/2013 23:52

When collecting my DS from school, the teacher said to one of his classmates "don't forget to tell your Mum you did well in Maths today" and to another "don't forget to show your Mm your literacy sheets and how good they are". I asked my son why he never hads anyof these messages for me, the teacher spouted "MM Junior always works well"' my response was "that's good for US to know"
Do you thin she got my point?

MoominMammasHandbag · 04/06/2013 23:53

My DH and I are both involved in running out-of school clubs and agree that it is an excellent opportunity to let the kids that are passed over in school get a bit of the limelight.
DH in particular tends to ensure that the annual Best Boy award goes to a nice decent kid, rather than the brightest or most sporty or the strongest leader.
But yeah, my kids have gone to lots of clubs where the leaders' kids shamelessly took all the prizes; it's one reason we got involved ourselves.

IdealHomeHouseBeautifulLivinge · 05/06/2013 00:04

My DD describes these awards that she never gets as "lame". Very wise words

bluecarrot · 05/06/2013 00:22

Another one who knows the feeling. DD has been in the top reading group for the school since she was 9 and she is no longer tested for reading age as they are "very satisfied" with her ability ( the test they used stated 14yr 7 months hen she was around 8yr 5m.)

Other kids who went up more than 6 months in the tests get taken to waterstones to pick a new book and are treated to an ice cream.

It's similar in other subjects in that its expected she will do well. In a recent practice transfer paper she got 94% when her regular was around 85%. Kids who improved by 10% or more got a prize ( a small choc bar and a sticker just) She asked me if she could fail one so the next time she would get a prize!

So, I've just had to encourage DD to encourage others who might be struggling. Almost like " be a good loser" kinda thing. For the tests she gets a reward for over 80% and she choses the reward. It'll not be the same as public acknowledgement for her though.

bluecarrot · 05/06/2013 00:23

at home she gets the rewards for over 80 I mean!

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 05/06/2013 00:33

TSC 'I get regular kickings on here now chipping. Keyboard warriors with axes to grind hiding behind name changes, the fun is gone I think?'

Really? Sorry, I seem to have missed those threads or I'd have told them to fuck off grow up. Bitchy cows hiding behind name changes should just be ignored. There's still plenty of fun to be had - don't you dare bugger off!!

I still think of dd2 as Little Miss Pissy Pants She's still a little dot in my mind - which doesn't really work when I think about how old DS is now! I can't believe how quickly all three of them are growing up!! Scary isn't it. I'm sure DS is/will doing/do just fine in his own good time. My friends little boy was pretty much 3 before he talked, now he's 7 and doesn't shut the fuck up stop talking. He has an older sister that is a delight at school and a fucking nightmare at home - whereas he's just him all the time, sweet wee thing with a lovely heart and quiet intelligence - not a show off like his sister so of course he misses out on all the praise - both at home and at school, I try to make up for it!!

I'm OK - still a bit stressy about the health thing, but such is life I guess.

It's nice to be missed :) I miss us being on the same threads - I don't seem to see you around much these days :(

MildlyMiserable 'do you think she got my point?' One would hope so!!

bottleofbeer · 05/06/2013 00:39

I was that kid. Quiet, not one to make a fuss or stand up for myself. And that kind of child often does get overlooked.

With hindsight I think I was a selective mute, which didn't help.

But one day she will find she excels at something. And none of this will matter.

willowisp · 05/06/2013 09:04

YANBU - I would say something, it makes me cross that the well behaved kids aren't rewarded. It must be very demotivating when they see unfair situations.

In real life you are rewarded for working hard, you don't see the promotions & pay rises for 'best improved'.

Give your girl a hug & tell her she is fab !

xylem8 · 05/06/2013 10:21

At our Brownie we make the eldest ones the sixers and the next eldest the seconds (it is not seconders!!) regardless of which six they were in previously or how long they have been coming.That seems fairest because eventually everyone who sticks with it gets a turn.
Bluecarrot in both your examples children are being rewarded for improvement which is I think fair, why should your DD be rewarded for something she can do effortlessly?

Chocotrekkie · 05/06/2013 10:37

My dd1 is the kind of child who would get overlooked a lot which is exactly what i was like i was when i was young - lead me ( with other things) to have very low self esteem which still isnt that high tbh.

I am so focussed on this not happening to her I get involved a lot in everything to make sure she gets recognised and not overlooked - am a governor, help on PTA, do things for brownies, help out in school etc

I am lucky I can afford to work part time and my oh is home from work at a decent time and while I am out he will wash up, do the ironing etc

I know it's not right or fair and all children should be treated equally. But until this happens I will push for my pfb child.

Dd2 is the child who is naturally chosen for everything !!

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