...to feel sad for this little boy?

[jessjessjess]

Was on a bus the other day and saw a woman with a baby and a little boy of about 3 or 4. She spent the entire journey holding and cooing at the baby, and ignoring the little boy other than to tell him off.

She repeatedly threatened different punishments (he wouldn't be playing in the garden, he was going to get a smack) because he wasn't sitting still. He wasn't being particularly naughty, he was clearly just feeling left out and wanted his mum to pay attention to him too.

Am I just being judgemental or is that actually really horrible? Surely she could have talked to the little boy, got him to 'help' with the baby, etc instead of ignoring and rejecting him?

Maybe he was being punished for something which happened before you got on the bus?

She said it was because he wasn't sitting still. She was turning away from him and focusing entirely on the baby. This went on for about 20 minutes.

So you are extrapolating his whole life based on 20 minutes?

Who knows, maybe she is a bitch or maybe she just got it wrong.

Tell you what there have been some 20 minute periods in my parenting life that have not been pretty...

Even if something did happen before they got on the bus, surely 20 minutes of being ignored is a bit extreme!!

If I were in this situation I would talk to the little boy and show the mother that he deserves a bit of positive attention. She probably thinks that other people think he is naughty as well and not saying anything will reinforce her poor opinion of him.

Regarding threats of violence, I have been known to tell people to 'pick on someone your own size' or 'threats of violence are against the law in this country'. It usually works as there really is nothing they can say.

OP have you ever had a bad day?

You cannot judge on 20 minutes.

In my 10 parenting years well 7 of having more than one ice had days like that and kicked myself at the end of it.
I have thought shit I feel like I've been on dd's back all day and been cooing over her baby brother.
So I make the effort to redress the balance and change it.
You can't judge based on a small 20 minute bus journey.
I'll bet so many of us have been there.

Without knowing their situation (in regards to what happened before you got on the bus) I don't think we can really judge.

Either

A) what you observed is the norm and then yes, I would feel very sorry for him.

B) he had been naughty before getting on the bus and the mother felt by being positive around the other child it might make him think about his actions- which can work on some children's and not on others.

C) maybe he hadn't done something awfully naughty but had been doing small naughty things throughout the day and the mother had just had enough. In that scenario I'd feel sorry for both of them, mums are only human and are bound to snap, but similarly perhaps the boy didn't deserve to be ignored.

It could've been any of these or more, we just don't know. I certainly wouldn't get involved with the situation like someone up thread suggested

He was messing about on the bus, I'm assuming if the bus jolted, he got have fallen off the seat, banged into the baby, hit his head off the seat in front?.

I have told my dds if they didn't stop complaining, mithering, acting the eejit that they would.not get out the back, not get to play with DS etc.

I'm not really sure what you're judging?

I don't think YABU for feeling sad but you can't tell if this is normal for the mother/child or just a one off incident. I have a 4 yo DS and a 4m old baby and DS is definitely acting up because of the change, I try and involve him as much as possible but sometimes his behaviour towards the baby can be very wearing.

By the way, "if you don't behave I'll give you a smack" is not a threat of violence it's parental chastisement.

You mightn't agree with it but it's not a violent threat.

Agree with the posters that say you cant judge anyone on the basis of 20 minutes. No parent is perfect and gets it 100% right all of the time. I am fairly strict with my ds when we are out in public and the mother may have been having a bad day- no more and no less.

You may not agree with it, but if an adult gave another adult a smack it would be assault and that is the law. Threatening to do it is considered a threat of violence and is also illegal. I don't understand why anyone would think that it's acceptable to do those things to a four-year-old just for fidgeting.

The argument that you can't judge on 20 minutes is a bit hypocritical, we weren't there and we can't really can't judge OP as she was the only eye-witness. Only OP knows what happened and to what extent she felt the boy was being neglected. I don't think OP has gone to the trouble of starting this thread without there having been a good reason.

Being grumpy with one child and cooing to another is just nasty self-indulgent favouritism, however you dress it up as having a bad day. If you're having a bad day you wouldn't be able to coo at the baby either, I would accept that. It's this kind of passive attitude to childrens needs that enables abuse and neglect.

Maybe he'd done something really naughty before leaving the house? I've had moments like that with dd. We're not perfect you know.

I hate seeing people behave like this, and yes I think you should feel free to go ahead and judge.

I have been a horrible parent many times, but I would never behave in this particular way, and neither would any of my friends, (though of course we all lose our patience sometimes).