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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another surname one - double barrelling AIBU?

27 replies

ruledbyheart · 04/06/2013 00:03

Right I am 29weeks pregnant and stressing over surnames.
Pregnancy unplanned as was meant to be infertile after complications of DC3 with EXH and was booked to have hysterectomy hence why not sorted before planning DC4.

I am not divorced from EXH yet but even when I am I plan on keeping my surname (yes the married one) as it is as DC1/2/3 have the same surname and I consider it my surname not just the name I took of my EXH.

Anyway I was planning on double barrelling my surname with DPs surname for DC4 so she will have both mine and her siblings surname as well as her dads BUT AIBU?
DP was happy about this as he can see my view that all 4 DC will at some point be at the same school and DC4 will be known by my surname to save issues with the DC being teased about broken families (DP and his half sister suffered this personally) as well as my point that I don't want to have a different surname to a baby I have carried and given birth too.

However today a friend of ours asked what we were going to do and when we told him he was disgusted that I was giving his friends baby my exs surname, he was actually quite nasty and judgemental about it and he is just one person.
DP is now upset and doesn't know what to do as if his friends react like this he is concerned every one will think he is a mug for allowing me to do this and is concerned about what his family will say also when they find out.

AIBU to use both surnames and think DPs friend is just a bit of an old fashioned dickhead?

OP posts:
Sparklypinknails · 04/06/2013 00:40

I think it's your dps friend being old fashioned! I think its a lovely idea for you all to be linked by your last names like that and if your dp is happy with it, I'd go ahead with it. Its your last name too now so your baby wouldn't have your ex's last name, it would have yours. I think your DP is great to be up for this and is not a mug at all.

5madthings · 04/06/2013 00:41

What sparkly said :)

aldiwhore · 04/06/2013 00:58

Although I can see it from the friend's viewpoint "why give my mates child another man's name" he is missing the point. The point is that, for whatever reason, your ex's surname is YOUR surname and your children's, therefore it follows that your child with his mate should be his mate's and yours.

He needs to forget that it's your ex's surname and focus on the fact it's yours, then it's quite obvious.

YANBU.

IKnowWhat · 04/06/2013 00:58

Absolutely agree with what you are suggesting. It is nice that your partner is agreeing with you too.

There is no reason for DC4 to flit between the two names when they want to,as long as all the official documents are consistent.

Will you Double barrel the names as a surname or give one as a middle name?

ICanTotallyDance · 04/06/2013 03:52

I think its fine. Just, if it sounds good, try to make DPs surname the second one (e.g. Givenname Yourname-Hisname) so that it is DPs name that sound like the surname.

However, I'm not sure how bad it would be if the youngest has a different surname. I am assuming there is a bit of an age gap.

At my school, we had three sisters with different names, all from one couple! Eldest was given mother's maiden name (born before the wedding), middle one was given father's surname (born after the wedding). But the mother had changed her name when she got married so only their DD1 had the maiden name, so for DD3 they gave her a double-barrelled surname!

AdoraBell · 04/06/2013 04:13

Just make it clear to any one who feels they have a right to commentHmm that DC4 has your name and PD's name because of both of you being his/her parents.

And as for " well, what if you get married" - ' simple, I'll double barrel my name with DP's.' Followed by a smug smile.

Annaliveinalice · 04/06/2013 04:27

If you and your Dp are happy with it then do it.

Your friend was very rude.

If your Dp is concerned about what his family might think then he still has time to discuss it with them and think about it.

Swallowingmywords · 04/06/2013 05:40

Yes, your friend is being old-fashioned, but no more than you! You are keeping your ex-husbands name? That is archaic! I don't have the same last name as my children, it changes nothing! I am personally all for giving the baby the mother's last name but wouldn't in a million years want the baby to have another man's name. Just why?

HollyBerryBush · 04/06/2013 06:36

Hence my earlier thread about using Matriarchal Surnames - it would avoid all this.

I have to say, you can be as enlightened as you want, I would find it a bit eyebrow raising to use another mans family name for a child.

Double barrelled is a bit passé these days. As an acquaintance put it, once it indicated gentry, now it indicates the parents aren't married. Whether we like it or not, there is still a certain amount of social stigma to children of such a union.

Why everyone gets het up about the school register is beyond me. Which ever of the records storers schools use (SIMS or CMIS) there is the capacity in there for preferred name and legal name.

Although if you do go ahead and use your exhusbands name, it will be presumed forever more that your current DP is the step father of all your children, including his own.

QueenofLouisiana · 04/06/2013 07:20

I don't see a particular problem, but then my mum kept my dad's name after divorce. In fact she only changed her name (despite remarriage) when I was 21- she felt that keeping her name the same as mine was the important factor not where the name came from. My stepdad understood this & accepted it.

In addition my day's second wife has a child (not his) who has his name too, as she kept his ame after divorce & later had a child.

Occasionally we have ad a couple of raised eyebrows, but we are a blended family & names are simply ways of knowing who we are talking about. The relationship between us is still the same, which I think is the important bit!

SoupDragon · 04/06/2013 07:27

You are keeping your ex-husbands name? That is archaic!

No, it's just personal choice.

5madthings · 04/06/2013 07:38

Social stigma to cjildren whose parents.are.unmarried?

You are having a laugh.

Social.stigma.to single parents yes sadly.but to children.whose parents are in a commited relationship but who have chosen not to be marrired...no not unless you are in your 70's like my mil and even she has got over it.

Op its fine.

MrsMelons · 04/06/2013 08:57

I am against the majority on here and do find it very odd however if your DP is happy with it then it is only your business.

There are lots of children whose parents aren't together or have different surnames even if they are not from 'broken' families. lots of my friends have different surnames from their DH/DP and children (both married and unmarried). No one bats an eyelid at all as it is so common.

Personally I would not want to have kept XH's surname regardless of whether the children had it or not, I agree with someone upthread that people will assume your DC4 is your XHs not your DPs. If it was me I would use DPs surname for DC4 then possibly double barrell my surname to add DPs name (by deed poll). Everyone is happy then (IMO)

HOWEVER it really is no one elses business but I think you will probably get a few comments about it (whether you ask for opinions or not) - if you are completely comfortable then it really doesnt matter.

MrsMelons · 04/06/2013 08:58

BTW I changed my name by deed poll when I wasn't quite divorced to my new DPs name as I was pregnant with new DPs baby, as I was still officially Mrs I kept the title which was handy.

BonnieBlueButler · 04/06/2013 09:29

Double barrelled is a bit passé these days. As an acquaintance put it, once it indicated gentry, now it indicates the parents aren't married

I think double barrelled names are often an indicator not that the parents aren't married, but that the mother has chosen to keep her own name. Not that it matters. Married or unmarried parents - I would very much hope that there is no social stigma attached to either these days.

voucherprocon · 04/06/2013 09:45

People will think that your DP's child is really his step child. Had you thought about that before?

Personally I wouldn't want to keep an ex's surname, it just seems weird to me, especially to then use it for another mans baby.

Have you thought about merging your names to create a new family name?

Original poster
ruledbyheart · 04/06/2013 10:45

There is a few reasons I want to keep my exs name the biggest is because its my childrens surname and I don't want to have a different name from them and the other big one is I have no family support and mentally I cannot go back to my maiden name (long history).

I know its a bit out of the normal but glad to see the majority don't think IABU it will be given name myname-dpsname so my surname wont be the dominant surname if that makes any sense.

If (big if) I marry DP then he and I will both be double barrelling so we have the same surname and my 3 DCs will have the first part of our surname.

It makes it more complicated that Exh is still involved in our lives but the people who know us know the situation and although its a complicated anyone who suggested this baby is anything to do with ex would get normally get shot down for being so stupid as they normally know better, unfortunately DPs friend is opinionated anyway and we usually just ignore it, hormones this time haven't let me.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 04/06/2013 10:48

It's your name, not your ex husband's.

You need to lose the 'friend' who would be nasty to you, not lose the name.

I take the view that if a husband is happy for his wife to change her name to his, upon marriage, then that name becomes hers to have for the rest of her life, whether the marriage lasts or not. it is not archaic to keep that name upon divorce - it belongs to you, it wasn't on loan!

I think it's nice for siblings to all have the same last name and for women to have the same name as their dc. For some people it's not important, but if it is something that you want, then nobody else has a right to criticise you. Name is a parental choice, the same as any other choice you make for your baby.

You wouldn't tolerate your 'friend' criticising feeding choices or bed times or any of the other things that you will decide, so my advice is to tell him/her to fuck right off and mind their own business.

Original poster
ruledbyheart · 04/06/2013 10:53

Also unfortunately we do see social stigma against broken families where we are, DPs sister is still at school and she has been bullied because she has a different surname to her brother (who at the time was still at the school for 6th form) as he wasn't her real brother, this is probably the biggest reason he agrees to double barrel the name as kids will pick on other kids in my area for having different parents.

OP posts:
ICanTotallyDance · 04/06/2013 11:14

Alternatively, one thing my (distant) cousin did when she started a new family was to "start totally afresh" and everyone (her, her DC, her DP, his DC and the new baby) were given a new surname. I would say they chose a meaningful name, but they went through the phonebook and found one they liked! Is this at all an option?

I am not trying to say that you are BU about keeping the name you currently have, just maybe it is something you would consider if giving the baby you exP's name does not feel right, although I think you have already come a decision about this.

It's terrible that your DPs sister was bullied about her surname. I hope this works out for your family and that your DCs avoid a similar fate.

HazleNutt · 04/06/2013 11:18

Your name is your name, not your ex-husband's, dad's or mum's name. Does not matter how you got it, still yours. Of course it makes sense to give it to your DC as well.

badbride · 04/06/2013 12:42

I agree with other posters who have said that your surname choice is a matter for you and your DP only--never mind what other people think.

But if you are still married to your ex-h, I'd advise you to seek legal advice if you haven't done so already. IANAL, but AIUI, the law will presume that your ex-h, not your current DP, is the legal father of your DC4, and your ex-h will have to be listed as the child's father on the birth certificate unless you take legal steps to prevent this.

BarbarianMum · 04/06/2013 12:49

The thing I would point out is, it is unlikely that your dc will actually use the double-barrelled name as they tend to be a mouthful. So would you or your dp mind it dropping down to just 1.

My sis kept her name on marriage and they double-barrelled for the children. Now they all go by just their dad's which annoys her no end I can think of another couple of examples too, and its all gone the same way (ie to just 1 name).

I think your friend is being silly, but I also think the days when children were bullied for being from a 'broken home' are long gone.

AdoraBell · 05/06/2013 02:32

I don't think it's archaic to keep your married name after divorcing, depends why you keep it. My sister has kept her married name on principal because she wasn't the one who left. That's the way she sees it, other people will see it in their own way.

I kept my own name and tagged OH's on when we got married because I'm still me, not an extension of my husband. Again, other people may view that differently. Whatever your viewpoint, that's the reason my OH's name is slightly different to mine and DD's.

Bogeyface · 05/06/2013 02:36

he is concerned every one will think he is a mug for allowing me to do this

Allowing?!

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