AIBU to stop my DD's phone and pocket money

[Magicmayhem]

I posted this in the teenagers section but got no reply so thought I would try here instead...

My DD is nearly 17 and one of the youngest in her year. She has just finished her first year of AS's, and has finished all her exams, she starts back at 6th form in 2 weeks when all the exams are over to start her A2 year. (hope I've got that right)

Now my DD thinks she is very entitled and does nothing around the house, but expects me to just give her money... I do give her a list of jobs to do arround the house, but inevitably she 'forgets' or 'runs out of time'... but thats probably because she doesn't get up till lunch time

At the moment, her days consist of lazing around all day eating and drinking all the food in the house a bit like the tiger that came to tea, and leaving all the washing up in the sink and food on the sides... We have another two weeks of this untill she goes back to 6 form, and as she is only doing 3 subjects she does have a lot of free time , and only really goes in for about 2 or 3 lessons a day... We have talked about her getting a part time job, and have even helped her do a CV, but, every job that is going she says she doesn't want to work there, or the pays crap... etc etc...

Most of her friends have jobs, and there are even jobs going where they are working but she still insists that she doesn't want to work there...

So basically... I need to do tough love... has anyone else stopped their childs pocket money, and mobile phone till they've got theirselves a job... did it work? did you start paying again when they got a job...or is there another way... or... do you think I'm being unreasonable and I should suck it up because this is part of the joy of parenthood... surely not

I have visions of a seventeen year old in a tiger suit with her head under the tap emptying it

My parents didn't give me a penny from 16 onwards, bar help with my rent at uni. Yanbu.

yanbu at all... there are plenty of seasonal jobs that will take on teenagers, so tell her to get off her backside and earn her own spending money

YANBU she wants money get a part time job. Ds was cut off at 17 when he got a part time job, he managed a phone, and petrol for the car, I paid for car insurance and groceries so long as he ate at home or made a sandwich to take with him.
If we'd lived anywhere with a bus less than 8 miles away I'd have bought him a bus pass and saved money.

I'm surprised that so many of her friends have got jobs - sounds like you're lucky to live in the area you do. Businesses aren't exactly falling over themselves to give work to unskilled teenagers in the middle of the recession, in most of the country.

Is she doing 3 A-Level subjects? If so, that's a normal course load and I wouldn't say it is "only" 3 subjects. While she may only have a few hours of contact time a day, she will be expected to do a lot of independent reading, and work on her coursework, if she is to do well in her A-Levels - so I wouldn't assume that few lessons = lots of free time.

There are two issues at play here - her lack of effort to do her fair share around the house, and the fact that you think she expects you to give her money. Are you giving her a set amount of pocket money every week or month, or giving her money as and when she requires it? Would you be happy to give her pocket money if she was doing her fair share around the house? While I'm of the opinion that everyone in a house should be doing what they can to help run it anyway, I wouldn't mind giving a set amount of pocket money to a teenager, as long as I didn't feel they were taking it for granted. Personally, I'd make sure she helps out more - make a modest amount of money conditional on that, and if she needs to 'top up' then she'd have to get a job. But I wouldn't necessarily expect them to have a job to cover basic personal spending while they were still a school student.

If she wants money, she needs to work - especially with the summer holidays coming up. She'll soon get bored of sitting around doing nothing when her friends can afford trips out and concerts etc.

My parents stopped paying for everything except essentials (toiletries, school supplies) as soon as I was old enough to work. I was in sixth form 5.5 days a week (I had Saturday school) and I worked on the Sunday plus one/two evenings a week. I didn't earn loads - around £120/month but it was a lot for my age.

Tinpot, as far as I know, I was the last year group to do the standard 3 a levels and I'm 30 now. From what I know it then became standard to do 5 subjects that didn't go into as much depth. But perhaps parents with teenagers could clarify...

4 AS levels and then 3 A-levels is standard (I finished mine in 2007).

yes make her work for her money if she cant get a job, give her jobs at home, my 16 yr DD gets £10 pocket money a week, but only once her room is clean and tidy and all her washing done. She has a phone contract that is a privilege not a right, if she is late home or disappears without telling me she loses the phone for a few days. As she has finished school now until September she has to help cook clean and tidy, not to stressed about that until her exams are over.

My dd struggled to get a job at 17. I gave her 40 a month and paid for her phone-fifteen a month. She has a part time job as a cleaner and earns about 250 a month. I still give her 40 a month!

Let her work, but for heavens sake don't let her believe that she is only meant to be studying during the few hours on her time-table: that way disaster lies!

I would also be wary of encouraging a teenager to take a job that pays at less than the adult minimum wage. Many young people are paid less than older employees for doing the same work. It's exploitation, as far as I'm concerned, and not a good first experience of the job market.

With my sister aged 17 my parents gives her pocket money, there is no strings attached as they want her to study as much as possible.

Of course she has to tidy up after her self, if not the broadband is unplugged cue her tidying up because other wise it's a trip to the library.

A levels are hard work so there needs to be a balance, she will need lots of time next year to study on her own. Just because she only goes in for 3 lessons a day, doesn't mean that's all the work she will need to do.

Also I don't think there's anything wrong with her having a lie in at the moment. She'll have been working really hard for her As levels and a couple of weeks break will do her good.

Having said all that, she does need to tidy up after herself and help around the house. So make a list, pin it on the fridge, if they don't get done, she doesn't get pocket money.

3 A2s is standard and is blooming hard work.

Mine had pocket money until she got a saturday job at 14, after that she earned her own money.

DS will finish sixth form next week - well technically he has but that's the last time he goes in. For the last four years he has worked his cotton sockks off and he has played 1st team sport every term time Saturday. In the NY he joined the TA. He has had no time for a regular part-time job.

He tidies up a bit with a bit of nagging, he has a phone and an allowance. He has exceptional uni offers and we have supported hhim to achieve them because we have supported our son to study and achieve.

She won't know the value of money unless she earns it and learns to budget for herself.

I say this as the parent of an utterly feckless, bone idle freeloader (DS1). DS2, same school year as your DD, is a different kettle of fish. He wouldn't be seen dead hoying his arse into a shop on a min wage, but he does have business acumen and makes a very nice living on several websites. Most of which I am sure are highly illegal at his age, he's doing quite nicely on stocks and shares at the moment, in Spain (I don't ask, I nod and smile)

On the other hand there is the train of thought that a little money at that age goes a long way, and there is the risk that Y12's pick up so many extra hours that they totally screw up Y13. I've seen that several times, kids holding down two or three jobs, and ended up with less than mediocre A2's and a thoroughly mediocre uni place.

and only really goes in for about 2 or 3 lessons a day. FWIW on that score, for every hour in the class room, there should be 3 hours independent research, hence the study periods, euphemistically called 'frees' by those who have no self discipline.

I would remind you OP, that the January resit session has been abolished - if she screws up on Results day, it is a case of resitting AS, and sitting A2's in one session.

Now my DD thinks she is very entitled and does nothing around the house, but expects me to just give her money... I do give her a list of jobs to do arround the house, but inevitably she 'forgets' or 'runs out of time'...

Your issue is her bone idleness, not whether she should 'work'.

Thank you for all your replies...
To clarify, I give her £10 a month pocket money, and I pay her mobile phone which is £35 a month, as a single parent I really can't afford more. She had the chance to have a cheaper phone but wanted a higher tarriff one so it came out of her pocket money, which incidently is paid into the bank... she is expected to do family jobs, ie, wash up or wipe up most nights, lay or clear the table, tidy her room which I will add looks like a pigsty most of the time, and put her washing out... she knows these jobs are expected of her but still moans about doing them.

I buy all her toiletries, and give her money for clothes... I usually give her £50 every few months for new clothes, and in between she has birthdays and christmas money to spend how she wishes... unfortunately she has expensive tastes and would rather spend £40 on a pair of jeans than a whole seasons wardrobe from primark

If she wants more money for say... the pictures or bowling or just a night out she can do jobs... but thats just it... these jobs weren't being done but she still expected the money...

She does 3 subjects, but I see little work done when at home... mainly sleeping, texting and watching tv... I did threaten to ground her back at Easter if she didn't catch up with her art coursework and luckily she spent her 3 weeks doing the most amazing pictures...

Yes we are lucky to live near a big town, where there are lots of jobs going, I'd like her to get a job soon before the older kids come back from uni and take them all

Thanks for all your thoughts... I'll have a chat again with her tomorrow about my proposed plan and report back how it goes...

I think the lack of respect around the house is the major issue here, her phone might be the appropriate leverage to sort that but why have you let it get to that point?

I can't really comment of the job issue, I didn't work until after I left university.