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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to let dd call dp's parents nan and grandad?

24 replies

LittleLisa78 · 02/06/2013 22:40

DP and I have been together since DD was just turned 2, she's now almost 6. I have no contact with my parents and it isn't ever going to be reestablished. When she first met dps parents dps neices and nephews were there and so everyone was obviously calling them Nan and grandad so DD did too. I corrected her with names and explained over the years that they aren't her grandparents really but they treat her really nicely, we holiday with them every year and she loves them so she says she wants to call them Nan and grandad anyway. They are happy with that but no one has ever suggested it or pressured her. Her father repeatedly tells her off for it so much so that she's not allowed to mention them to him. As I don't have parents myself for DD to be close to I think it's lovely for her to be close to dps parents; she has a relationship with her father's parents too so it isn't as if its usurping them. AIBU to not tell DD off for her choice to call them Nan and grandad?

OP posts:

MamaMumra · 02/06/2013 22:43

YANBU. She knows the relaxation ship and she's happy with the status quo. They are too and they treat her like one of the grand kids.

Sounds nice and your ex sounds a bit jealous of you DDs closeness with your partners parents.

Fancydrawers · 02/06/2013 22:44

No, but you should tell your ex to stop being a fucking dick.

MamaMumra · 02/06/2013 22:44

That's meants to be relationship not relaxation ship btw

HollyBerryBush · 02/06/2013 22:44

A child will chose their own terminology. You go with what makes them comfortable.

DS1 ands 2 do not call my SM 'nana', but by her first name - my mother died before they were born. DS3 choses to call her 'my nanny', he has never known any other GP.

They all make their own choices.

MamaMumra · 02/06/2013 22:45

Oh I give up - bloody I phone.
I agree your ex is being a dick.

Foosyerdoos · 02/06/2013 22:45

Yanbu, if your dd is happy and 'nan & grandad' are happy I don't see the problem.

snooter · 02/06/2013 22:54

If she doesn't call them Nan & Grandad, what does she call them? Betty & Bob? Mr & Mrs Bloggs? Stepdad's Mum & Stepdad's Dad? Makes sense to call them what her little relatives call them - Nan & Grandad

HorryIsUpduffed · 02/06/2013 22:58

I was quite old before I realised my "grandpa" was my dad's stepdad.

He is still my grandpa though: that's the role he plays. I have always loved him and the fact that we don't share DNA is irrelevant.

Your daughter is lucky to have loving people in her life. If they are happy for her to use those names, you should be.

Original poster

LittleLisa78 · 02/06/2013 22:59

Thanks for your replies. DD was upset tonight as dps parents had been to watch her in her show last weekend and she'd mentioned it to her father who told her off for calling them Nan and grandad and told her they had no right to be there followed by lying to her that his parents had been to watch

OP posts:

Purple2012 · 02/06/2013 22:59

I met DH when mu SD was 11. When we realised we were serious and she had got to know my parents I asked what she wanted to call them, their names or nan first name and grandad first name. She picked nan and grandad. She writes their first names after nan andgrandad on cards but just nan aand grandad in person. They have always treated her as if she was mine and arw brilliant with her.

Yanbu

SquinkiesRule · 02/06/2013 23:02

My kids called my Step father Taid, they had no idea he wasn't my father, having extras didn't seem to bother them. So on my side two grandfathers and one Grandmother and on Dh's side two grandfathers and two grandmothers they sorted it out amount themselves.
Your Dh however is being a huge dick and should get over it.

tabulahrasa · 02/06/2013 23:03

I always think if it's someone that they can naturally have more than one of - then the more the merrier...it's not like mum or dad where to call someone else that it's displacing one.

mumof4sons · 02/06/2013 23:04

Let her call them what she wants to. If they are happy with it - then so be it, after all you and she are treated as part of the family.

The ex is being ridiculous. I'm sure we all have had family friends at some point in time we called auntie/uncle and we were in no way related. I used to call my best friend's mother 'Mum' and she called my mother 'Mum'. No big deal.

Original poster

LittleLisa78 · 02/06/2013 23:17

He has several friends he encourages her to call aunty and uncle, yes! Hadn't thought of that aspect- will bring it up - thanks :-)

OP posts:

WafflyVersatile · 02/06/2013 23:25

Tell your DP to stop being a dick.

But, you know, in a diplomatic way that doesn't result in divorce...

deleted203 · 02/06/2013 23:29

Ex is a dick.

FWIW my parents are Grandma and Granddad. Ex has only mother alive and so she is Nana. When I got with DP my children asked what they should call his mother when we visited. She is Granny to the other GC and she told them they could call her Granny too. Everyone seems happy with that.

(Ex has re-married and DCs presumably see his new wife's parents. I have no idea what they call them, and couldn't care less, TBH).

shineypeacock · 03/06/2013 12:01

I still call my cousins granny, granny, im 36 she is 94, thats her name!! Its no stress! We all used to play together (cousins) as kids and thats what we called her and its stuck!

If your DD is happy and they are happy, shouldnt be a stress, tell ex to jog on!!

wannaBe · 03/06/2013 12:07

agree that if it's something you can have more than one of then it's not a big deal. My grampy was always thus, and I didn't find out until I was about eight or nine that he was actually my dad's step dad. He was always my grampy - it was never an issue.

Why on earth should your xh be so jealous - tell him to grow up.

Poledra · 03/06/2013 12:15

My DCs call their cousins' grandparents Mami and Papi (the cousins are French, BTW!) - neither my parents nor DH's parents feel put out by this. And Mami and Papi love it . Oh, and there's also Granny Pegs, who's the mother of a family friend, but everyone under 50 calls her Granny Pegs.

Let your DD call them what she wants - it's just lovely that they have welcomed her to their family.

Weegiemum · 03/06/2013 12:26

I think it should be up to the dc. Mine call my Stepmum Gran but she's been around since before I met dh. I called his Grandma "Grandma" and he called my Gran "Gran". I have no contact with my mother (and her husband). However my dc call dh's Dad "Opa" but his partner of 2 years by her name (my dc are 9,11,13).

I have one old school friend who is an only child with no cousins and is also gay. My dc call him "Uncle Neil" (we carefully introduced that from early on) and its very special to him that he has "family" (his parents are dead) and we're working towards our dc also calling his partner "uncle" (after all my brother has been with his partner for less time and she's "auntie").

Your ex should butt out, let his dc make their own relationships!

BeautifulBlondePineapple · 03/06/2013 12:49

My DS calls his childminder Nana. She looks after her own grandson as well and that's what he calls her so it saves confusion.

Your DD's dad should butt out as it's nothing to do with him, but you could play the "it's simpler" card to get him to stop going on about it. I found it v confusing as a child that my cousin's called my Granny & Grampa by the names Nana & Papa - I honestly didn't realise they were talking about the same people!

mrsjay · 03/06/2013 12:53

yanbu I had aunts uncles and a lovely gran on my step dads side they treated me as their own even when my sister came along, yanbu and your ex is an arse the more loving people in a childs life the better imo

mrsjay · 03/06/2013 12:53

I have

Yonihadtoask · 03/06/2013 12:53

Of course she can call them grandma/granddads.

Our family has a right old mix up of steps/halves/divorced but still in touch.

Even DS (15) called my new DH's mum Grandma recently. So, it isn't as if he has known her all his life - he has at least 3 other grandmas too :). I thought it was nice of him to address her like that.

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