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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say something because I think my sister is making a big mistake?

17 replies

CartwrightMiss · 02/06/2013 20:54

My sister (19) was given the chance to work abroad for 6 months in Cyrus. She has been there 3 weeks and has told me that she definitely wants to come home.

The reason she wants to come home is because she misses her boyfriend (dated just over a year)

Now I have done long distance and it's very hard. But this is such a good opportunity for her, it will be her independence and give her a boost into a job she really wants to do.

Surely if her boyfriend left her then he wasn't the one anyway and if he waited then their relationship would be proven to be a very strong one.

I just don't want her a few years down the line to break up and completely regret this decision. So far I have kept my mouth shut about it, would I be being unreasonable to tell her I think she's making a huge mistake?

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 02/06/2013 20:57

Yes you would, unless your opinion is asked for, it isn't required.

Making mistakes is all part of lifes rich tapestry. People only learn through their mistakes.

For all you know, he might be the excuse she is using to come home.

BridgetBidet · 02/06/2013 20:59

He hasn't said he's going to leave her. She has just said she misses him which is a big difference.

It's really up to her, it's none of your business, you can't make your decisions for her.

I think the maximum you can do is to tell her to think hard about it and perhaps say she should consider if she will regret it later on.

But to out and out say 'You are making a huge mistake' will do you no favours nor your sister.

LeaveTheBastid · 02/06/2013 21:00

Leave her to make her own decisions, and face the consequences of them. She is an adult now.

Annienonniemouse · 02/06/2013 21:01

I think it depends what she's doing in Cyprus - if it's something that will boost her career prospects and that she couldn't do at home, YANBU, but if she could do something similar at home and will be happier, YA possibly BU.

Cosydressinggown · 02/06/2013 21:02

I disagree - I'd say something. She's still a kid really and may still really value some guidance, as long as you're clear that you'll respect her decision either way.

wigglesrock · 02/06/2013 21:03

YABU, she's 19, she's unhappy. Regardless of the reason and boyfriend could be an excuse she wants to come home. Even if it is a mistake she'll live, get over it. You can't live your life with hindsight.

If you tell her you think she's making a mistake is she likely to change her mind? or is she likely whatever happens to remember that you didn't support her?

Fwiw I'm still with the boy I fell in love with at 18 - over 20 years now - it happens.

BarbarianMum · 02/06/2013 21:03

I think telling her 'You are making a huge mistake' would be unreasonable - no-body has a crystal ball, after all. But you could maybe suggest she gives it another month before she decides - she may be feeling homesick apart from anything else.

dopeysheep · 02/06/2013 21:04

I would say something as well. Maybe not as blunt as 'you're making a huge mistake' but certainly voicing your opinion, why not?

wizzler · 02/06/2013 21:06

What Barbarianmum said

TinBox · 02/06/2013 21:09

I don't really understand the 'none of your business crowd'. Most young people (most people, come to that) are glad to have different input and advice about their decisions. Giving her your advice is not the same as bossing her about, or making her decision for her.

I would encourage her to stick it out a little bit longer. Three weeks is not a very long time. She will hardly have settled in to her new home and new job, and is probably just in a bit of a shock at the transition. Can't her boyfriend go over for a holiday? Cyprus is not so far away - it doesn't even have to be six months apart.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist · 02/06/2013 21:12

I don't think YABU unreasonable to want to say something, there's a very good chance that if she does come home she will end up regretting it, but from my own bitter experience with DSis it is entirely pointless and will only end up with you being the bad guy. She will not take kindly to being offered your advice (mainly because she will know you are right and will not want to admit it)
As one of the PP's said I'd suggest she gives it another month or so but then just let her crack on. Then when she does come home and it all goes tits up with her BF you can be quietly smug knowing you were right. (Sister of the year over here!)

Actors · 02/06/2013 21:14

My sister moved miles from home to be with her boyfriend at a similar age. It was a big mistake and I told her so at the time. The result was that she stayed with an abusive boyfriend for far far longer than she should have done because she couldn't face the thought of admitting that everyone (her family) had been right.

It's hard, but yes she has to make her own decisions.

EatMyFoodFeelMyFork · 02/06/2013 21:15

I'd tell her but in a gentle way. I have experience of this exact kind of situation, and it almost always ends with some form of regret. Try to find out why she wants to come home. If it's because she really can't be without her BF, and is miserable all the time then it might be best if she comes home. If it's because the BF is saying he misses her too much and it's "too hard" being without her, then encourage her to immerse herself in the lifestyle and see if she really feels the same as him or just guilty for having a good time.
If she is in the industry I think she is, it's very hard to have a decent career without some form of being away, so this really is a cross roads for her!

WafflyVersatile · 02/06/2013 21:18

You can point out the pros and cons.

But if the opportunity is to travel more and be away more then maybe it's not the right career for her anyway.

Original poster

CartwrightMiss · 02/06/2013 21:18

Well I never said I would just say - You are making a big mistake.

you can't make your decisions for her

I'm not trying to make decisions for her, I just want to put the point across that I don't want her to make rash decisions that she may regret later on. So far I haven't said anything on the subject, just listened to her say her reason for why she wants to come home.

OP posts:

FryOneFatManic · 02/06/2013 21:21

I agree with suggesting to her that three weeks is not long enough to settle in. 6 months is actually not a long time, although at that age, it'll probably seem like it.

6 months in Cyprus. Is she working in the public sector? If it's the sector I'm thinking of, coming home early from a 6 month job for this kind of reason would not be looked on favourably because of the costs involved to the company/public sector department.

garlicgrump · 02/06/2013 21:23

Rather than focus on the what-ifs about her relationship, I'd recommend talking through the opportunities she'd be losing if she quit now. Agree it might be homesickness (I'm a seasoned traveller, but still need three weeks to adjust in a changed environment) and asking her to give it another month may be helpful.

Good luck to you both :)

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