To ground DC for a week and be mad with DH for his laxidasical attitude

[whysorude]

DS1, 7 years old, went missing for a short while on Friday evening while I was at work and DH was left minding both him and DS2.

DH realised DS1 was not playing out in the cul-de-sac and went looking for him, calling at his friend's house. His mum said they had been playing in the field behind her house but couldn't see them now. DH went home as he had left DS2 asleep on the sofa.

DS1 turned up an hour later with friend and friend's mum in tow. She told DH they got lost wandering in the fields and ended up on a busyish country road 0.5km away. They eventually found their way home. I got home an hour later.

DS thinks I'm being cruel and unusual for grounding him to the front and back garden for the week. He has also lost the Wii for the week. He won't stop moaning, resulting in me relenting slightly and allowing him to play on the street. But not with the friend and he is not allowed to go near his house.

DH didn't think there was anything wrong with not looking for DS1.

If I had been home and realised DS1 had disappeared into the fields I would have woken DS2, left him with a neighbour and gone looking for DS1. There are usually cattle in the fields (sometimes bullocks, sometimes cows with calves). There is not access to these fields except by going through the neighbours' back garden.

DS1 has form for wandering off and was only grounded for going into the fields two weeks ago. He has been told repeatedly not to go into the fields and I explained why ( danger of cattle/trespassing/injuring himself and no-one knowing where he is).

I decided not to loose the bat with either of them and explained calmly and rationally my feelings. But both think I am being unreasonable.

I may also cave in with DS1 if he doesn't stop whinging.

Cheers if you read this far.

P.S Am also with neighbour who apparently was not that fazed that her DS was missing for over an hour. He is younger than DS1.

Maybe I am BU on that point though.

YANBU - he was warned a couple of weeks ago and he did it again. Grounding him is the only way to bring the message home to him hat trespassing in farmers fields where calves and cows might be is dangerous.

As for DH - yup. He should have looked. Instead he left it to the mum who, from your OP, found them when they found their way home again. He should have called someone to stay with DS2 and looked himself. Two people were killed by cattle in fields last week and they were experienced adult walkers. So from that reasoning, can you ground the husband for a week as well?

YANBU! Try to hold strong in the face of the whining, too.

I'd have done exactly what you suggested and couldn't have just trusted he'd be back. That said he does have form...

Glad he's safe and sound!

A 7 year old is old enough to understand your rules.

We live in a cul-de-dac, and DS was allowed to play outside with certain rules. He also was grounded for breaking those rules. Don't cave with your DS or he'll begin to realise you'll give in again if he whinges a lot.

And as your DS has form for wandering off, your DH should indeed have begun looking earlier.

Hmm. I don't have children yet, but i don't think YABU. He is only 7 and an hour is a long time!

YANBU. Can you also send your husband to live in a field for a week?

Don't cave. You are not being unreasonable at all. DS needs to learn a lesson (which he obviously hasn't so far). My parents would have bloody killed me and so I never did anything like it!

Aside from all the (very real) dangers, DS1 blatantly ignored a direct instruction from you and I really do think it needs to be punished. I think your initial punishment was perfectly fair.

The reaction of your DH has me pretty shocked to be honest. Has he not seen the news? April Jones, anyone? She was snatched playing in the street. In the blink of an eye she was gone and couldn't be saved even though her friend raised the alarm straight away. Or does your DH think this doesn't happen to boys?! And even so, as you've pointed out, there's dangers in the field they were in. Sorry, I think your DH has been an absolute useless twunt in this case. (sorry if he's usually lovely!)

I don't understand why he can't play with the friend but outside your house?

My DD is 7, she is not allowed to play out - she is way to young! If she was missing for five minutes i would be out of my mind, an hour - i would have called the police!

Don't give in to whinging - it will of course encourage future whinging! He needs to know that refusing to accept your authority and whinging on makes things worse for him, not better.

He knows the rules and has recetn experience to remind him.

I hope your DH isn't siding with your DS about your response to him.

I can sort of see both sides on the looking thing, because there was a probable place he'd be but, if you know there are dangers in that place, getting him out quickly was important. He might have gone elsewhere of course, too. So YANBU.

Yanbu. I'd be furious with both of them.

YANBU. With freedom comes responsibility. If he cannot stick to the rules he doesn't get the freedom. I was very strict on DS1 adhering to my rules when he was first allowed out to play. He learned very4y quickly thwt he must stick to the rules if he wanted to play out.

Also, have you spoken to the friend's mum about the fact your DS isn't allowed to play in the fields? It sounds as though she let them, while they were playing at / around her house.

MonsterBooks I'm trying to get the point across to DS1 that if he wants to play with friend he has to obey the rules. And he will be 8 in July. Old enough to now better. As I mentioned, he has form for wandering off. Unfortunately he gets it from me as I repeatedly went wandering at his age - can "wandering" be genetic? (I was once discovered asleep under my bed - my mother was frantic and just about the phone the police when she decided to check through the house again)

Allegedly, DH read the riot act when DS1 turned up home . DH is all too well aware of people being trampled to death by cattle (occurred in our area a few years back) and also about child snatching. But obviously that only happens to other people's children and not ours.

CSIJanner no need to ground DH - he never goes out, except work.
Ilovesotty If only.
lottiegarbanzo Am too much of a wimp to go around to his mum. Not that she'd have a go at me, but I hate any type of confrontation. Even when I know I'm right.

Yes, don't cave! He is old enough to follow your rules.

I don't mean 'tell her off' about this time, just say, for the future, that DS is not allowed to play in the fields. You can ask her send DS home if that's all they want to do.

YANBU as it stands now but YWBVVU if you caved in to the whining!

He's going to whinge the whole week and variously cry/plead/shout/tell me that he hates me/storm out and slam doors in an effort to wear me down. He is a complete drama queen.

But I will have the strength of Mumsnet behind me and tell him that "No is a complete answer!".

Tell him if he whinges, you'll extend the grounding when you review it in 7 days. And that if he wants his privileges back, he needs to show you that he is responsible.

Should save you some whining, at least, even if you have no intention of increasing the ban.