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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think MIL should not have favourites?

27 replies

Loopylala7 · 02/06/2013 02:33

Mil generally is a nice lady, although winds me up that bil is a bit of a golden child. DH bless, can never seem to get the same praise or adoration as him in whatever he does, and more recently this appears to have spread to the GC which I find particularly annoying. She would never admit to having favourites, but it's so obvious in how she talks about them there's no disguising it. DH is very aware of it, but only really vents to me about it. I am close to making snide comments, but actually it isn't bils fault, he doesn't court the attention, mil just chooses to thrust it onto him. Is this normal? I have several siblings, but my DP treat us equally

OP posts:

squoosh · 02/06/2013 02:42

Unfortunately some mothers have favourites and are quite blatant in displaying this. I assume it's been going on since DH and BIL were children so there's little hope of changing her ways now.

But.......if she blatantly favours one grandchild over another time and time again you would be well within your rights to have a polite word in her ear.

IneedAyoniNickname · 02/06/2013 04:13

My (ex) mil was the same. She once told me, in front of her dc that her dd1 and dd3 were both extremely bright (dd1 was a nanny, and while that's a perfectly worthy and valid career its hardly brain surgery, and dd3 was still at primary school) ds1 (my ex) was apparently 'ok' and her ds2 and dd2 were both, in her words 'thick' Incidentally, her dd2 was the only one with above average gcse results (mostly A's IIRC) and the only one who planned to continue onto alevels, until her mother and older sister told her there was no point.

Sadly mil is exactly the same now that some of us have dc. Her dd1s sons are apparently the cleverest children ever and mine, well who knows. This is despite the fact that my ds2 has just sat his year2 sats exams a year early. When my ds1 was younger he asked me once why when ever he saw Gran she just went on about how amazing/clever/funny his cousin was, and never once said the same about him!

Ghirly · 02/06/2013 04:41

My parents don't have favourite children but they do have favourite grandchildren - and it's very obvious.

They have 7 grandchildren - my brother has 3 girls, I have two girls and two boys. Their favourite has always been my brothers middle daughter.

It's so obvious that my two elder children talk about it.

They're now the same with my youngest, who is 2. They go on and on about her then mention my 7 year old boy as quite clearly an afterthought. I hate it. My heart breaks for my ds2 at times. I just pray he never notices.

StuntGirl · 02/06/2013 09:08

It's not solely a mother thing, fathers do it too. And its shitty yes. Having a favourite? Whatever. Showing that you have a favourite? Fucking horrible.

ladymariner · 02/06/2013 09:10

My mil who is a witch has always favoured my niece, she has absolutely no time whatsoever for my ds or my nephews. It used to really infuriate me, (although thank god, she lives at the other end of the country so we don't see them much) but it's come back to bite her on her bum as ds couldn't care less about her. He has had enough love and adoration from my side of the family to last him a dozen lifetimes and she is the one who has missed out. He openly says he has only one grandma, my mother who has been there for him forever.

NotYoMomma · 02/06/2013 09:13

My aunt and uncle have a favourite child and a favourite grandchild and it has torn my cousins apart :(

Stay away from them

Livvylongpants · 02/06/2013 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoppyWearer · 02/06/2013 09:45

They reap what they sow.

cozietoesie · 02/06/2013 09:49

They should all be treated equally and spoken of equally for sure. I think it's harder to say that they 'are all equal'. People are different and some adults are just rotters even though they're kin. The difference with kids is that you have to give them all the support and encouragement to grow up into good people.

ApocalypseThen · 02/06/2013 09:53

I've she's a nice woman, tell her. She may not realise she does this. Give her a chance to change.

This could have been written about my mother. She minds one of my brother's kids full time and talks about him a lot - I guess he's the main concern most of her waking hours. But there's another nephew and his mum feels he's less favoured, so she said it to my mum, who's now trying to be more evenhanded.

People often don't think. Don't assume the worst unless you give them a chance.

DuchessFanny · 02/06/2013 10:03

I used to think this of my MIL .. Every time we saw her she would go on and on and on about our nieces and nephews and how amazing and wonderful they are (tbf they are amazing and wonderful) and after a while I started to worry my DC would feel a bit left out, until one day my DSIL told me that whenever MIL is with her all she does is talk and talk and praise our DC .. So it's just her way !
However saying that my DG is a right cow who has only had interest in my DB and male cousin, I can only assume she hates girls ( she also hates my DM, SM ) it has been hurtful in the past, but think she's realising you reap what you sow as we want nothing to do with her any more !

MumofWombat · 02/06/2013 12:40

My MIL is blatant about having a favourite gc. An example, she is taking the golden gc on a big holiday this year. I made the comment that she'll have another 5 gc to take away in the future. We were told that she'll take gc no.2. Give BiL money so they can take gc 3&4. And she won't do it for gc 5&6 (my DS & DD). I was too gobsmacked to say anything back, just like I was when I heard her telling someone that gc1 was her favourite - when gc2 was standing right next to her.....

3monkeys · 02/06/2013 12:45

My mother has always had a favourite daughter, and it wasn't me! My children are her only grandchildren, but if my sister ever has any, they will be dropped instantly. In fact, they are bypassed for her now if she needs them, she couldn't possibly look after herself, she's only 42!!

sjuperyoni · 02/06/2013 12:49

My mil prefers my sisters kids. It's ridiculous - my nephew is a little shit and my niece is nothing exciting. My dd is kind, clever, polite, funny and generally a dream, ds is mad but smiley and chatty and loves hugs etc but still all we bloody here is ''I'll be coming up on -insert date- for sis baby being born'' and ''i'm taking dns for a week in the summer'' but always has an excuse when it cones to our kids :( my bil and one sil are the favourites, dps dad favours the other bil and sil poor dp is 'the black sheep' and sadly tries so freaking hard to make the damned woman give a flying shite about him :( it's horrible.

Lucky for our kids my mum dotes on them when she sees them.

Original poster

Loopylala7 · 05/06/2013 14:55

Apocalypse, you are probably right to say something, but I'm a bit of a wuss, and I know it would upset DH if I started some kind of GC dispute as he gets on well with his brother.

Weirdly, we are the ones who live close to mil, maybe a case of the prodigal son? Mil is meant to look after DC for us a day a week when I'm in work. I didn't ask, she practically insisted which is lovely, but so far in my first 8 weeks, has not been able to do 6/8 days (she chose her prefered day) which is a little irritating as we could have put DC into nursery and not constantly using A/L and annoying our boss'. The part which upsets me more though is in this time she has babysat our DN at the last count for 12 days so that BIL and SIL (who is on mat leave) can have a holiday and attend hen & stag dos, while we're having to take time off work to cover these babysitting days. All lovely for them, but I haven't had a single holiday since DC was born, and Mil made several disparaging remarks about leaving a young baby to me! (Oh yes and not to mention Sils parents have also taken DN for a mini break hol for them too, so not the first). Anyway, my eyes are turning greener by the minute. Sorry I really needed a rant.

OP posts:

OctopusWrangler · 05/06/2013 17:26

My grandmother had a favourite. Witch.

KitNCaboodle · 05/06/2013 17:34

My MIL openly admitted she prefers boys when I was pregnant with my DD. Her loss. My daughter is awesome.

EagleRiderDirk · 05/06/2013 17:51

My grandparents picked favourite kids and favourite grandchildren. My sister and I weren't in that group, yet whilst they don't view us as 'proper' grandchildren they were 'shocked and incredibly upset' to discover we don't view them as proper grandparents.

MonstersDontCry · 05/06/2013 17:56

Op are you my mum because you've just described my nan! There have been many arguments in the past over this as it has now spread to the great grandchildren. Nothing will ever change! I am sorry for you though.

HappyMummyOfOne · 05/06/2013 17:57

"My mil prefers my sisters kids. It's ridiculous - my nephew is a little shit and my niece is nothing exciting. My dd is kind, clever, polite, funny and generally a dream, ds is mad but smiley and chatty and loves hugs etc"

How nice, your children are wonderful whilst your sisters are viewed as nothing exciting etc. Perhaps thats why others make a fuss of them given your attitude towards them. Whilst you make think your own are wonderful, others dont have to agree.

People may have fvourites but should hide it as much as possible.

ALittleBitOfMagic · 05/06/2013 17:59

Oh OP I could have written your op . Every . Single . Word .

When DCs come along it's soooo much more obvious . It makes me sad for dh and ds and annoys the life out of me when she comes to visit (with DNephew got forbid she ever went anywhere without him) and tells be all about all the places he has took DNephew and how many days this week she has had him

sjuperyoni · 05/06/2013 22:32

My nephew is a little shit my daughter has always been amazing in comparison even my sister says so.

My neice is 2 and a half and can't speak or go potty - my son never shuts up and has been bringing nappies/using his potty since 13/14 months.

It's nit my fault my kids are better than hers in all honesty i chose a better father for mine than she did.

My sister is jealous of my kids and puts them down as much as possible to anyone who will listen - at least i'm telling the truth about hers.

HollyBerryBush · 05/06/2013 22:40

i chose a better father for mine than she did.

LMAO

chipmonkey · 05/06/2013 22:48

So clearly, siupervoni, children with special needs are less valuable than other children in your book? You sound nice.

DiscoDonkey · 05/06/2013 22:49

My mil favours bil kids over our massively so. It makes me rage inside sometimes. I try to keep as much distance as possible now. I really hope one day it comes back to bite her on the arse when she's old a realises that half her family don't want to bother with her.

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