or is ex re: only communicating in person?

[LittleLisa78]

DD's father and I have been separated for 4 years and are fairly amicable but every now and then we have a mini fall out as he refuses to communicate by any means except in person. This means if we make an arrangement to swap a date for example and he forgets then when the time comes he moans about it and we fall out. If I text or email to confirm arrangements he won't respond, nor will he discuss anything about DD except in person. I think email is better as then there's a record of agreed arrangements to fall back on. For example:about two months ago I asked if we could swap a date so DD could be at her sisters party and he agreed. Two weeks ago I text to remind him and asked if he wanted to arrange which date he wanted in return - no reply. Today I text clarifying arrangements for this month as they're disrupted by the swap and to ensure he has her for father's day. He replied saying he wanted one of my days which is next weekend as the swap and has already made plans which he's told DD about. However we have a weekend away planned which has been booked for over 6 months so I can't let him have it and now he's kicking off.
AIBU to say communication only in person is unrealistic and not working and to insist he communicate in other ways too?

My ex did this, and one day he ignored about 17 missed calls from me, in the space of half hour. He soon decided it wasn't a good idea, when he found out 3 days later DS was in hospital. I would make that point.

Very hard to ignore all verbal communication when it takes place in front of your child or is communication by phone with the child.

Its not you don't need to be rude chit chat ok but any arrangements just a simple I need you to text or email that to me because now I don't know plans or any excuse and if you don't I will not remember and will assume everything is happening on the usual day.

And any arrangements made via a child say oh that's nice get dad to message me about it when he knows for certain.

No birthday for you = no fathers day for him!! He will learn that give and take work best.

It's not just arrangements he will only discuss in person - that's easier to force him out of - but any issues around DD. For example he was drinking excessively at contact (DD saw him fall and bump head) and letting her play 15/18 certificate games, on the internet unsupervised etc. I voiced my concerns via email but he'll only discuss them in person so there's no evidence of him saying I'm making a fuss over nothing

No usual day here as nothing is arranged, all contact from ex is requested at pick up time in front of child and no text or email despite repeated requests. Child is let down if contact doesn't go ahead as heard.

Child asking Dad to send a text does not work as Dad does not answer the phone most times, nor return messages.

Is discussion in person usually in front of dd? That can't work.

There is some value to face to face discussion, it maintains a relationship of sorts, is easier for mundane 'how things are with dd' stuff, it's harder to avoid answering a question and usually keeps things more measured - its far too easy to fire off angry e-mails and let things escalate remotely.

But, you need a record and he needs a way of recording dates so he can remember and stops 'forgetting and getting muddled'.

Really, insisting on written communication is the obvious way to go.

I'd be tempted in a way to discuss some things, for the reasons above, but make notes immediately and send a confirmatory email / letter, saying 'we discussed x y and z, points made were a, b and c, we agreed f' as you might with a work meeting.

Say 'I will consider this to be a true record of the meeting unless I hear from you by this date. Please raise any issues arising by the same date.' But this creates a lot of work and hassle for you.

You can even make notes while you're talking, again like a meeting. 'So, let me check I've got this right. You say the incident with the 18 certificate games was 'not a problem' and I am being 'a fussy cow' correct?

He might deny or 'forget' everything but, if you are relentless, you will have evidence of your discussions and he will not and will have no basis for disproving them. Witnesses or dictaphones could be handy! Do you ever talk in front of other adults?

Fanny can you just say every time he requests in front of dc "I am unable to arrange that now,text or email me later" and just keep at it. And if he does not then you assume no arrangement has been made.

No he'll only ever talk just the two of us. I've repeated what he's said in emails before when re-raising concerns but he just ignores it consistently

Lisa then you need to stop pandering to him,he is behaving like this because you are accommodating it.

But sock if I email saying I have some concerns about x, y, z he'll say ok let's meet to talk. If I reply saying no then I get painted as uncommunicative, if I say reply by email he just doesn't or makes excuses that it inflames things because he 'isn't as literate as me'!

You really are making this way too hard for yourself and too easy gore him to yank you around on the end of his string.

Email him with your concerns, suggest the solution and then say if you do not hear from him in writing by such and such a date then you will assume he agrees and go ahead with what you've suggested.

If he tries to speak to you just keep repeating: you need to email me about what...like a broken record. You are hardly being communicative and you habeas proof that you are being communicative. Making all these arrangements verbally only gives him room to

a) duck you about with his cray making behaviour
b) hold his hands up if you ref up in court proclaiming you're obstructive and uncommunicative.

Take it from someone who Jason had to deal with this type of person - stand your ground, be short sweet and to the point, dont let him bully you and protect yourself by having a paper trail.

Look, he's had a chance to make his approach work and he's the one who is failing to manage it, with his forgetting and getting muddled.

So, your turn. You need to state that he's failed to make his approach work, so from now on it will all be in writing. Then stick to it.

It's not just about sending a one-off email.

It may sound harsh but I think you need to stop worrying about what he thinks of you, or how he portrays you, and put your daughter's interests first.

As the others said, the other thing you need to concider is that of he does everything verbally and any concerns did get as far as court his approach allows him to lie and it would look like you are being uncommunicative.

He can say what he wants in a email you don't have to allow him to inflame a situation because you can chose how you respond so if your sending reasonable emails and he's sending shitty ones that's his issue not yours and if needed you can show the problem is him.

If he really is unable to communicate as well as you be mindful of that,keep emails short on point and avoid using big words where possible. If he try's to claim he is illiterate yet he texts on a phone uses Facebook things like that then he's just playing on it.

You are giving him excuses and yes for a long time he will try to force verbal communication but you can do exactly what he's doing with regard to written stuff just avoid it,you don't have to be rude nor do you have to totally avoid talking to him its just about important stuff. He's trained you very well in doing things his way this is not because he is somehow more important than you nor is it because his way is better it obviously is only better for him its because you allow him to.

Digital dictaphone could be good, as recordings can be uploaded to a pc.