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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be very angry on behalf of mum due to this being called neglect

26 replies

IneedAsockamnesty · 31/05/2013 21:30

Back ground one of my children's grand mother has been making horrible comments about another gc's care claiming he's being neglected and abused. Most of these are based on his clothes.

The child is about 18 months and delightful he's very obviously loved and well cared for rarely not clean.

Now today GM said to me that she had a mind to report the mum( not her child the dad is) to ss as his clothes are not suitable for anything and he's obviously not cared for. The child was wearing something much the same as this

www.amazon.co.uk/Baby-Toddler-Trousers-Leggings-Tractor/dp/B0050UB6UI/ref=sr_1_21?ie=UTF8&qid=1370031566&sr=8-21&keywords=baby+leggings

Combined with a tshirt.

Outfit fit was well fitting clean looked like new and fine for the weather and child was not doing anything formal.child was also clean.

I lost it a bit with GM told her not to be so nasty and vindictive,that her idea of neglect was so wrong and if she did report she would come across as nothing but vile.

I'm now tempted to tell the mum what she's been saying and just reduce her access to my child when she's making comments like this.
Would that be ur

OP posts:

Optimist1 · 31/05/2013 21:37

Silly old bat! And good for you for telling her straight. I'm not sure whether you should tell his mother, though. Could you talk to his father (since it's his mother who's being so toxic)?

SPsCliffingAllOverMN · 31/05/2013 21:40

I'd tell the child's father so he can deal with it. Well done for telling her though. You should send your DC up to her in the exact same outfit and see what she says then.

Does she just not like her?

BabyMakesTheBoobiesGoLeaky · 31/05/2013 21:44

She would want to see the state of my lot sometimes. My mindees and my own small ones were doing gardening today (planting their flowers they had grown in pots and decorating the little bed with stones and leaves) and they were delightfully grubby. I had forewarned the parents so they arrived in old clothes. My Mum dropped by and laughed at the state of us.

Optimist1 · 31/05/2013 21:59

BabyMakesThe BoobiesGoLeaky I firmly believe that the grubbier the child and its clothes at the end of a day is an indicator of just how much fun has been had!

RainbowsFriend · 31/05/2013 22:28

Lol! I dress my DD in those leggings - have a pile of different patterns

They are comfy, great for fitting well over cloth nappies, and I don't worry if they get grubby, mucky etc. They stay tucked in wellies well and don't ride up, and she can climb easily in them. They wash well and dry quickly so she gets a clean pair twice a day if necessary. What's not to like?!

YANBU and she is nuts.

MikeOxard · 31/05/2013 22:33

Yanbu. Yes of course tell the mother. If someone was accusing you of abuse and neglect and thinking of reporting you for it, wouldn't you want to know?!

AgentZigzag · 31/05/2013 22:35

Is it just something generic she's said in a similar way to 'I'm going to kill him'?

That she's making the strength of her judgement plain by saying the worst thing she can think of?

How does she get on with the DCs mum? If it's not very well, is it a well aimed snipe at her?

Just going on your OP I would say don't be telling the mum, you'll look like you're shit stirring. You picked her up on it at the time so she knows how you feel, anything more would be an interference too far IMO.

AgentZigzag · 31/05/2013 22:37

But then reading Mikes post, maybe I would want to know if someone close was going round bad mouthing me and worse...

Original poster

IneedAsockamnesty · 31/05/2013 22:43

On the surface she's polite to mum but that's about it, the comment was said very seriously it was as if she wanted me to agree with her and back her up.

She thinks he should be wearing shirts and trousers and stuff like that and she can not get her head around people not wanting to play dress up with children

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 31/05/2013 22:52

The only flag I can think of to do with a babys clothes would be if I saw for myself that they'd been wearing the same ones for 3/4 days running.

And then I'd only be taking note out of concern for the mum as much as the baby.

Calling the mum because she doesn't think much to her fashion sense is ridiculous. It'd be like calling SS because a 2 month old baby was wearing jeans. A lot of people don't like that, but it's hardly neglecting them.

Do you know what the mum makes of the GM?

Bakingtins · 31/05/2013 22:52

I'm failing to see how being dressed in leggings and a Tshirt in May can be construed as child abuse, no matter how much you dislike the parent in question. I wonder what she'd say if she saw my boys, dressed in ill assorted clothes of their own choosing, usually with a few grass stains and holes if they've been out more than 5 mins. DS chose to go to the park today in combat trousers, crocs with socks, a red Tshirt, a harry potter tie and a bike hat. As far as I know nobody reported me looks round nervously She's barking and SS will laugh at her.

Original poster

IneedAsockamnesty · 31/05/2013 22:57

All the mum has ever said to me is that GM treats her like she's nothing but a walking womb and is a social climber but she usually adds that its not her fault as those ideas are ingrained in her so she just ignores it.

Tbh she's quite right the only reason GM is civil to me is due to her perception of status

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 31/05/2013 23:03

Sounds like she's got the measure of the GM.

Another plus point for not saying anything to the mum, is that if you think she's unlikely to actually carry out the threat, you're saving the mum a whole load of worry waiting for the knock on the door to come.

I wouldn't like that hanging over me.

WilsonFrickett · 31/05/2013 23:45

I tend to agree with zigzag. If you think she actually would ever report then I'd tell the mum. But if you think it's empty words, there's nothing to be gained by telling her what the old loon says.

Original poster

IneedAsockamnesty · 01/06/2013 00:00

I'm a bit concerned she actually will report,obviously I know it will be very apparent to who ever she reports it to that its a bizarre claim but she does describe the clothes as "things not fit for rags" I do think GM genuinely believes things to be an issue when they are not,she once reported one of her neighbours for having a male baby sitter apparently that's massively wrong.

And the digs about this child started when mum refused to let her buy him hard shoes when he was about 8 months old apparently that was abusive as well and people would think they were poor,mum had explained very nicely to her that the shoes thing was because she felt footwear like that for a young baby was not good for feet.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 01/06/2013 00:54

Everyone around the mum whose opinion matters must know the GMs thinking on What Baby Needs is distorted by about 150 years, lead dummies having been proved to be a no no for a start.

She's a spiteful sniper who brings down hearty judgements on people who don't do what she says.

Harmless in a way because nobody gives any credence to the shit she spouts as it's so amazingly bizarre, but not someone you'd want anywhere near you or your DC.

BabyMakesTheBoobiesGoLeaky · 01/06/2013 07:28

She sounds very overbearing. Non walking children don't need hard shoes,the need bare or softly covered feet. Personally I would distance myself from her,warn the mum in question and tell the father of the child to have swords with his mother.

elfycat · 01/06/2013 07:47

DD2 (2) is now in clothes that I bought secondhand (as new), worn by DD1, worn by DGodchild and now DD2.

The outfits I put her in for nursery or for mooching round the house and garden would have your GM clutching her pearls and reaching for the phone. And yet no-one has commented to me.

Wearing clothes out is not a crime. Throwing away comfortably-worn but usable clothing ought to be from a 'green credential' point of view.

Good on you for standing up your grandmother. I'd ask your grandmother another time if she's serious about it or if she's managed to unwedge her judgy-pants if you feel able, to judge if it was just one of those comments made by a gossipy, opinionated, righteous older woman who wouldn't act on it. You are not obliged to do this of course. I'd probably tell the father. His grandmother = his problem.

BabyMakesTheBoobiesGoLeaky · 01/06/2013 08:45

Words not swords.

Although swords might be better fun

Crunchymunchyhoneycakes · 01/06/2013 08:56

Those leggings are great! GM sounds batshit.

OctopusWrangler · 01/06/2013 10:04

We love those legs in our house. Octoboy was marauding about the park in a pair with an owl on the bum yesterday:o

denialandpanic · 01/06/2013 10:12

my dmil changes ds into clothes she has bought every time she mind's him and buys new shoes that he doesn't need because she doesn't like the ones I buy.she batty, it's her money,I leave her to it. I will put my foot down when he's older and doesn't want to wear the beige Crap. ss would laugh her out of the office.

pinkballetflats · 01/06/2013 11:10

Barmy!!! Sounds like the mother can stand her own ground. I'd not say anything.

This almost trumps the story I was told by a social worker who got a reort of neglect from a woman who had noticed Cheerios in a child's car seat and noted the mother didn't puck them all out before putting the child in.

Original poster

IneedAsockamnesty · 01/06/2013 11:41

Mum can stand her ground,she comes across as a very pleasant confident young woman.

OP posts:

IJustWoreMyTrenchcoat · 01/06/2013 13:00

She sounds dangerous and vindictive! It is not appropriate to threaten somebody with Social Services for such a non-reason.

I think you should tell the mother, she has the right to know, she may trust this woman to have her and her son's best interests at heart when she does not. I would want to know in her situation what somebody was saying behind my back.

My boyfriend's mother often says similar things about her grandchildren, that their clothes are scruffy an not washed properly, house is dirty (it is a bit messy with toys). None of it is remotely true, she is just trying to exercise control.

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