This is about my grandfather. He has been a bit difficult lately and I'd really like some independent opinions. It might be a bit long but please bear with me...
My grandfather and I live in the same city. The rest of our extended family live at least an hour and a half away, with some right over the other side of the country and overseas. As you can imagine, up until last year, my family were his most frequent family visitors - visiting probably every couple of weeks. He would also call us quite regularly until we had a bit of a falling out last year.
I was visiting with the kids one day (DH was overseas) and all he did the whole time (oh, nigh on nine hours) was complain about how noone else ever visits him (friends and family), how there is no excuse for this, and that he kept a visitor's book in which he logs who visits him and for how long! In particular, he complained royally about one much beloved (by everyone else) brother of mine who lives three hours drive away and who, at the time, had an almost one year old and whose wife was three months pregnant with bad morning sickness etc. I tried to defend my brother saying that he had a young family and that he lived quite some distance away from our city. To no avail, it's because everyone is selfish and doesn't make the time they ought to etc etc. Anyway, the evening went on in such a fashion then we came home. The following day, I got a Facebook invitation from aforementioned brother to attend my nephew's christening and first birthday (they decided to roll the two events into one). I thought "how lovely" and rang my grandfather to ask him if he would come along, that I would drive, he said yes and seemed keen.
So it came to the day before, I rang my grandfather to arrange what time I would pick him up. He ummed and ahhed and then said that his bowels were not feeling up to the trip (even though he had just come back from a similar trip where he drove, not had someone drive him).Not only did he backtrack on wanting to go to the christening, he tried, a number of times, to convince me not to go too on account of the dreadful rain we were expected to have... I got a bit cross with him after a while and said "Fine, Pa, but I don't want to ever hear you complain to me again that M and R never visit you". He replied "Bugger off!" . I said "Excuse me, what did you say?". He said "I said bugger off!!"in a really nasty tone. I hung up the phone. We went to the christening the next day and it was lovely - my SIL has a huge extended Italian family and a lot of my relatives came too. Granted, it did rain but it was just a great day. Kids had a wonderful time.
A few weeks later, my mum calls me and told me that Pa told her that he didn't want to go because he did not receive a formal invitation in the mail. None of us did! He certainly did not mention this objection the night before the christening. I was still quite peeved about that phonecall and had decided to actually bugger off and not visit him anymore, which we did not due to a couple of factors (like going overseas for a few months over the Christmas period). Anyway, in March, he was hospitalised for what he thought was pnuemonia but turned out to be anxiety attacks. He decided a few weeks beforehand with the neighbours that he wanted to sell his house (for a princely sum) along with theirs to any prospective developers that might want to build a block of units on it. Ordinary house with quite lovely garden but fantastic location in posh suburb. He doesn't really want to leave but wants, in his words, to 'settle his affairs' before he is not able to. Personally, I feel it was quite possibly all a bung on to get me to visit, which I have a couple of times since, including to the hospital (where he stayed for a week while they ran tests).
My aunty came over from the other side of the country and offered for him to go and live with them or that she would come and look at some assisted living residences with him. They did do that and I told her what had gone on last year (which she already basically knew through my mum) and she told me that to qualify for an entry to the vistor's book, one has to stay for more than two hours, that my Pa had tried to show it to her but she had refused because she thought the whole thing was just ridiculous. Anyway, she told me she'd be back in a few weeks to start packing the things he does not want to take with him (they have not decided on a residence as yet - he did not want to move in with her). The sale of the houses is still being negotiated..
So now I come to the point. She came back yesterday with one of my cousins. My parents headed over this morning. My brother and his wife drove up three hours with their toddler and baby today to visit them. In the afternoon, just before school pickup, my brother rang and asked if he could come over with the kids which of course he could and did. Within five minutes of them coming, they told me that Pa deliberately blanked them specifically the whole time -did not say a word to them, did not talk to or fuss over the children (whom he has barely met), took his sandwiches to the sunroom to sulk when everyone else was eating in the dining room, talked to everyone else but them. My brother shrugged it off saying that they still had a nice time because they really came to see my aunty and cousin as well as my parents. They seemed nonplussed about it but, internally, I was raging in indignation! He complains they never visit but when they do, he acts like the two year old (worse actually because DN is adorable).
AIBU to never want to see this manipulative, emotionally immature old git again? DH says I would be stooping to his level if I did that . I would add that he has been nothing but lovely to my kids. He was quite awful for about ten years after the death of my beautiful grandmother, then he realised that he was almost losing his entire family and he brought his temper/mind games under control and has been really nice for about a decade bar a few minor incidents. I do realise that people regress as they get older, he is 87 but, and this is a big one, he is fully compos mentis. You'd be hard pressed to find a sharper 87 year old. He still attends all his Lodge meetings, he works in a fairly big museum a couple of days a week, he is quite active with a largish social network (who never visit him of course - because dropping in for a cup of tea apparently does not count). Admittedly, quite a few of his friends have died in recent years though. DH thinks I should make allowances for his age but I really don't feel like doing that anymore. That if I visit him, he will think that I'm just a hanger-on for the will because I don't think I will be able to hide my dislike anymore, and I really hate the thought of giving him the power of thinking that...quite seriously could not give a crap for his money (nor could the rest of the family come to think of it).