Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

If you think that someone is a shit of the highest order

21 replies

LinghamStyle · 31/05/2013 10:48

and then something bad happens to them i.e. an accident, bereavement etc, it doesn't stop them from being a shit of the highest order does it?

Not saying that I'm gleeful about their misfortune or even giving a "serves you right" vibe but surely IANBU to not change my attitude/opinions/dealings with this person based on a bad thing happening?

OP posts:

OHforDUCKScake · 31/05/2013 10:51

Totally depends on the situation. I think anyone deserves a break if they've just had a bereavement. Especially a close loved one.

Onesleeptillwembley · 31/05/2013 10:53

I know what you mean - all this 'can't speak ill of the dead' hypocrisy. If you're a twat and die then you're a dead twat.

OwlinaTree · 31/05/2013 10:53

I think its ok to feel bad about the awful thing happening, as an awful thing is awful to anybody. ie, 'how awful for so-and-so, this bad thing happened, i'd feel awful if that happened to me'.

I don't think you have to rush around offering support or pretend you suddenly like the person. Best to sympathise outwardly about the awful thing and then keep quiet!

SPsCliffingAllOverMN · 31/05/2013 10:53

Nope still a dick

hiddenhome · 31/05/2013 10:53

It's the same when people die as well. Their death doesn't miraculously turn them into saints.

Onesleeptillwembley · 31/05/2013 10:54

Sorry, totally misread the OP.

CloudsAndTrees · 31/05/2013 10:54

Agre it depends on the situation. Even shitty people deserve compassion sometimes. And sometimes when a bad thing happens to a shitty person, they learn from it and become less shitty.

Bowlersarm · 31/05/2013 10:55

No it doesn't suddenly make them a saint.

But you would be well advised to keep your opinions to yourself. I think if you voiced them in public people would think you were being nasty, vindictive, and gloating about their misfortune.

AtYourCervix · 31/05/2013 10:57

I had a colleague years ago who was a foul bully and enjoyed making me misearable. A couple of years later I read that he had died (young). I was sorry he was dead and sorry for his family but it doesn't change his behaviour to me.

Original poster

LinghamStyle · 31/05/2013 11:04

No I've no intention of being openly nasty, its just my private thoughts. And I'm not without compassion either, but I think I can sympathise without having to have,q complete turn around on my pre-bad thing stance. Can I? OwlInATree put it much better than I can.

Thing is, it won't change the person (this particular one) and they are still continuing to be a shit (its a bereavement this time, last time it was an accident) and I have no doubt they'll continue along that vein afterwards.

I'm not sure if I'm being a bad person or not, which is why I'm asking.

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 31/05/2013 11:07

No you're not a nasty person to think it. No one can read your thoughts, and be hurt by them. And you can't stop the thoughts you have. You can resist acting on them though, which is what you are doing .

DorisShutt · 31/05/2013 11:36

Not a bad person at all and I know where you are coming from.

In my case, I was bullied by a girl at school and I despised her deeply for the pain and suffering I felt at the time.

Over the years, I have calmed down and accepted that it happened, had counselling and moved on. I now no longer feel like throwing up when I hear her name, but I'm never going to forgive and forget. I can accept that people can change, but I still will have nothing to do with her.

I found out recently that her husband died.

Can I feel compassion for a fellow human being at a time of sorrow for them. Definitely.
Does that change my opinion of her? No.

imaginethat · 31/05/2013 11:40

An uber-bitch I worked with got tongue cancer and lost ability to speak. I was shocked to find I didn't care at all.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 31/05/2013 11:47

OP, you clearly have someone in mind.

But YANBU.

If someone is really nasty to us, it is human to feel that there is some karma/pay-back/serendipity at work.

It would be nasty to create the accident and / or rejoice in their pain.

thebody · 31/05/2013 11:51

Bad and good things happen to bad and good people.

That's life.

CelticPixie · 31/05/2013 12:03

YANBU. I had a teacher to secondary school who was a foul bully and everyone hated him. He used to terrorise certain kids and his lessons were horrendous. He'd frequently screamed abuse in kids faces and he would chuck things across the classroom. I remember one incident where he banged his head against the blackboard because someone got the answer to a question wrong -I swear that if he was allowed to he'd have hit some of us. There were also allegations that he was lecehrous sleazy towaess some female pupils.

One day when I was in Year 11 he dropped dead of a heart attack. His fellow teachers went into mourning and a letter was sent home telling parents of all the wonderful things this man had supposedly done. It was complete bullshit as most of us pupils and former pupils knew. There was also an article in the local paper singing his praises and telling us how wonderful he was. But he was a horrible, nasty man and I'm not ashamed to say I was glad he was dead, and I know for a fact many people agreed with me but we felt we couldn't say so publicly because well its not right to slag off the dead is it?

HollyBerryBush · 31/05/2013 12:23

AtYourCervix did you work where I worked? we had an over promoted young pup, who was pissed from long liquid lunches every afternoon, that's when he put his bolshy management hat on.

Apart from the excessive drinking, he was young, fit, played a lot of sport, non smoker, non drug taker - had a heart attack on a mini marathon, stone dead.

Again, a certain amount of compassion for his wife and two pre-schoolers. I phoned a retired colleague and she said "what do you expect me to say? Don't you remember what he did to the section? we were either all alcoholics, or on Anti-Ds or on both as a way to deal with him"

I couldn't write to his wife, as I normally would have done, I had nothing, not one decent memory or anything nice to say about him at all.

He was a pig.

Original poster

LinghamStyle · 31/05/2013 12:35

FrequentFlyer yes, its about one person, my exP. I'm not talking about someone I just don't like or get on with. This is someone who has caused me years of pain, grief and upset. It hadn't occured to me to engineer an accident ... but it has now

Thank you everyone for replying and sharing, I don't feel bad now. I had a conversation with a friend this morning and said to her that I don't want to do this, that and the other for ex, I wouldn't have done it before the bereavement so why should I do it now? She said "oh you should do it as he has no-one now, and you'll feel guilty" and that sent me into a quandary.

OP posts:

foolmouse · 31/05/2013 13:09

Agreed. Everybody seems to love a dead person. As John Lennon said 'everybody loves you when you're six feet under', so very true. Unless they were an absolute monster i.e a serial killer or dictator then everybody is always quick to sing a dead person's praises, even if they were an utter pig when alive. I can't stand it. Bastard in life, bastard in death.

Also get what you're saying about not suddenly feeling sorry for a twat when something shit happens to them. My mum's a bit of a twat for various reasons and I never will fully forgive her. She lost her DP earlier this year, he died very suddenly. I was amazed that I didn't feel all that bad about it. I mean it was a horrible thing and of course I felt bad for him and his young DD but for my mum, well I just feel a bit blank really. I haven't really been there for her, maybe i'm a shithead but so is she so we're equal

Original poster

LinghamStyle · 31/05/2013 13:42

foolmouse that me laugh! To be fair to myself there's not much I could do to be worse than him. Short of murder that is.

OP posts:

xylem8 · 31/05/2013 13:43

I disagree.I have known people change a lot after something bad has happened to them.Quite a different outlook on life.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread