To be jealous of my friends and acquaintances who are parents and don't work?

[Souredstones]

Or, really, do I just need to delete Facebook and ignore the lot of them?

I'm a full time working parent to school age children. I love working. However my health has worsened in recent years and I'm really struggling with the work/life balance issue. DH and I have agreed that we need the money of both wages I the house to keep our heads above water.

I am fat (13 stone and a size 18), unfit and unhealthy (asthmatic, high bp, high cholesterol, osteoarthritis) and quite frankly fucking miserable even though I eat ridiculously healthily. Yet when I try and seek support from 'friends' I get none.

Tonight on Facebook I saw red (not their fault really) and got sick of the same posts from the same people:

2 single parents, neither work, both attend slimming world twice a week, both have lost 4 stone in recent months, both still bragging about it. I'd love the time and energy to join a slimming club for support, sadly I have neither, let alone the money.

Same single parents as well as the sahm parents bragging about all the marvellous things they've done with their children this half term while mine are left to wallow at their fathers as I was denied the annual leave for the week.

The group of mums who I am 'friends' with have all planned a night in/out tomorrow, guess who is the one member of the group left out. I asked why and apparently it's because I wasn't around this week and they are celebrating the end of half term with a well deserved night of drinking wine and indulging in chocolate.

I know it's petty jealousy, I know Facebook is shit. But why do I feel like I've got the raw deal in life here for doing the right thing by working?

If they're single mums how can they possibly not be working? (unless it's because they can't find a job in which case I wouldn't be jealous).

Seriously, I'd be pleased you're in the position you are. I'm a single parent and working full time is therefore absolutely essential. My children were in nursery from a couple of months old. When you don't have a partner around there just isn't another way. If they really aren't working through choice then they must have very very little money and really aren't worth envying. Be happy with what you have!

Anyway, not working would soon get boring!

Don't be jealous of others just find a way around what you have to make you feel better about it.

Do yo get any time with the DC

Why do they wallow at their fathers, can't they have fun whilst waiting for you to come home?

Delete fucking FB, it doesn't sound great for your mental happiness.

I don't know how they manage it, I assume from child support top ups from their exes.

I've been a single mum and have always worked full time, never considered not working full time until recently when my health went downhill.

Their father is a knob who puts his needs first, all they do there is play on a Nintendo ds and watch tv. My husband works full time as do I and we share the holidays between me and DH and the ex.

Facebook is the worst when you are down already. But your children are school age, so you wouldn't really not want to work, would you? Maybe those women are still talking about their weight loss as they have little else to celebrate. It does sound like you could spare some time for your health though. Can you walk part of the way to work/ go for a swim in the evening?

I think maybe it's two separate issues.

On the one hand, you are envious of your friends. I think that's understandable, but it's not their fault really. Don't de-friend them but maybe just hide them on FB for a while, until you're feeling better.

Then, you are unhappy with your own life. But really, wouldn't you still be unhappy even if you weren't looking at your friends? So things have to change no matter what they do.

There are loads of threads on here with good advice. I guess I would just recommend blocking out your friends for a bit and focusing on yourself, making some positive changes for you. Envy and anger eat up a lot of energy and will keep you from doing anything. Sorry if that sounds woo but IME anyway state of mind is so important to improving things.

you should be proud that you are working and supporting your family , so what if you are over weight , you dont sound that big to be honest , just delete these people on facebook .

It sounds like you are quite low and there are lots of things contributing to that - ex having time with the children, not feeling part of the group, being over weight, not being fit, working full time.

Tackle it one issue at a time :

1. turn up at the night out / night in with a bottle of wine and just say you'd like to join in
2. join the slim club message board on here /WW online or something. I'm sure you'll get some support. Can you spare 20 mins at lunchtime to go for a short run, or could you get to a class once a week / go for a swim after work?
3. can you work short days / flexi time at all in the holidays to try to get more time with the children?

Good luck

Oh dear God! Get over yourself. So these friends are posting about their weight loss - good for them! And others have taken their children out over half term - how heinous. Envy is not good and diminishes you.

Why are they wallowing at their fathers, is he a bit useless? I'm on maternity leave at mo so told DH he had to do the parenting over the weekend since he wasn't taking any annual leave during the week, I worked in the garden. Anyway, with their father the girls went swimming, played swing ball, planted some tomatoes (that admittedly was under supervision from me since DH is willing but clueless in the garden), made pizzas (as in they made the dough etc), did a shadow puppet show etc etc. I've spent the week seeing friends and chatting while the kids all play together. Can't say it's been particularly hard, and that's with 3 including an 8 month old who is having a sleep regression due to being poorly.

Just delete FB, as a (temporary) SAHM I think the tendancy is to list everythinng you've done just as a reminder to yourself that you've done something because parenting is such repetative drudgery.

repetitive even!

Hmc... Do you enjoy kicking people when they are down? Strange mentality.

op I would just hide or ignore Facebook. Just get off there til you feel better about your own life.

Tackle the weight issue if its really getting you down. Maybe broaden your circle so you're not totally relying on this particular group
And feel proud of the fact that you have independence and are raising your children to see you supporting them.
Grass is always greener... Your children are at school all day and tbh you are far better off being in work. Has it occurred to you that your FB friends may be spending their time exercising and at slimming clubs because they have a lot of time to fill?

I went back to work at 43. Nearly 53 now. I was a sAhm for 8 years before that. Some of the SAHM's were very hmm when I went back to work. I see them sometimes; they are still sahms but they haven't moved on and seem so dull. Their dc are are ready to fly the nest. Keep working you will be the one who is better off in the end for so many reasons.

Also I think I post what I have done because I am a SAHM - if I didn't people seem to think that single mothers just sit about eating MacDonalds in their PJ's
I don't work and only get £20pm via CSA (ex dodging system as per) but I rent out a house and live on that. It is a VERY tight budget and below minimum wage, but because I own the house I get no other benefits. I could possibly just about cover DD's nursery fees if I worked, but there wouldn't be much left over, so for now I would rather scrimp and spend time with her. Long term I know we are OK financially, but actually on a day to day basis (on what I live on each month) we are in the official poverty spectrum

Thank you for your support. It is appreciated.

I have deactivated Facebook as my first step, reading the smug posts really isn't helping me.

I have no idea how to begin with the weightloss. My OA affects all the joints below my waist which makes exercising difficult and weight gain easy. I have been tempted by something like lighter life before but the weight will all pile on once I stop.

With regard the dc I think the issue is that I don't see enough of them, can't take them to week day clubs due to work commitments, and holidays where they're with their father and I know they aren't enjoying themselves eat me up

Re the week day clubs - are you sure another parent wouldn't drop of your kids with theirs? Or a minibus from school or whatever? I think schools are quite open to these ideas and if enough working mums said it would be beneficial it might become a feather in their cap to arrange something?

OP you need to realise that FB is fake. You are seeing the snapshots of these peoples lives that they are choosing to show you.

Behind the scenes they are single parents (not to be envied) they have to do it all, the childcare,the housework, the worrying all themselves. I doubt they are rolling in it. And they probably have issues with the exs, but no one to support them through it.

If you are unhappy with your life then look at your life, not other peoples.

Yes wannabe has it right. Just look at the Lone Parents section if you want to see how hard it can be!
I once posted that I was so tired my eye was twitching and got 2 responses within 3 mins - "You were the one who wanted a baby!" and a post from a friend who lost her child asking if I would rather have her silent house... THAT is why you only see the positive side on FB!

As I said. I've been a single parent for several years before meeting my husband, I know how tough, and how easy it is. And yes, it is at times a lot easier parenting alone as you've not got a hairy arsed bloke undermining or contradicting your parenting decisions constantly.

Being a single parent, for me, is no different than not being one. Possibly because I've stayed working full time throughout. I don't know. All I do know is that it was possibly the wrong decision.

Sorry that all came out wrong. No offence was meant.

I think that you need to figure out what is making you feel so miserable.

Because it really doesnt sound like its these friends that have caused it. And to blame them is unfair. They cannot change your life for the better, you are the only one who can do that.

I'm jealous of anyone who doesn't need to work. How lovely must it be to not have to rush out of the house early in the morning, and come home tired, having to clear the breakfast things away to cook for the DC.

But, I do think you are using the fact that you work as an excuse not to be able to lose weight. You need to self motivate yourself. It can be done. There is probably on-line support for those wanting to lose weight.

The grass is always greener. I don't get too offended about being a single parent tbh - would rather not have the hairy annoying man But it does get lonely at times, as I am sure you remember, so FB is just a way of reaching out I find.
If you can afford not to work, is that an option? It sounds as though you might be considering it. Perhaps a holiday instead if not to get some quality time in?

swimming a good exercise for joint problems as the water supports the weight. Also, you'll probably find that as the weight comes off the OA will not affect you as much.

Agree with thoise saying that these women's lives probably aren't all that; FB only lets you see a tiny fraction of someone's life, what they in effect want you to see. I would be annoyed about not being invited to the drinks. If anyone needs it, it's probably you who has had to work all week and not see your kids , But, tbh, it sounds like you and they are naturally growing apart? As my DC get older, I find the parents that I used to have lots on common with are no longer my first choice when looking for a night out or a lunch.

And I appreciate as a WOHM that the politics of the playground mean that you are in effect outside of the loop. I worked FT whilst DS1 was in reception and though I dropped him off in the morning before going to work, I didn't realise until I was on ML with DD that it's the afternoon pick up where most of the chat/socialising/making of arrangements goes on. I was only on nodding terms with the school gate mums before my ML and it took me a long time to feel comfortable when I was there doing the pick up as the friendships/alliances were already formed and I felt like I was trying to muscle in. In time though I made my own friends, but it was helped with being on ML and having the time to form those bonds.

Not sure what the answer is though, other than letting them know that you are a bit put put at not being invited; their reaction to your annoyance will tell you all you need to know about how well they value your friendship and continued member of their group.

Chin up though; you sound like you are doing the very best by your DC and giving them a very strong work ethic into the bargain Might it be possible to cut your hours a little bit though? Work out the minimum you need coming in and work your hours around that, with a little over for contingencies? I have a rheumy condition and know that anything over 30 hours a week would have me on my knees in a very short space if time.