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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be distraught over my friend

14 replies

AnneNonimous · 30/05/2013 15:39

I have a relatively new friend, but we have gotten quite close quite quickly.

She has been with her boyfriend for nearly 2 years. He's always been nice when I've met him but various story she's told me have made me think he's a bit of a twat, chatting up other girls and being generally insensitive.

They fell pregnant last year and their daughter was stillborn. He didn't go with her to the hospital to have her daughter and he wouldn't let any of her family to the funeral.

Last week I went to theirs for my birthday for drinks and a takeaway with her. We were all having a great time when he went quiet and went into the bedroom. She went to ask what was wrong and he went ballistic. Started shouting for hours and hours making no sense. Smashed up the flat. Pushed us both around and brought out a huge knife. He ended up being taken away from the police and she was beside herself and humiliated. I was bruised and very shaken.

I had no idea he was like that. I have been in a very abusive relationship myself and am kicking myself that I didn't see the signs. It's clear that she's going to get back with him and I just don't know how to handle it. I can't go there again if he is there as I don't wish to put myself in that position again but I don't want to walk away from her especially since I know that's what he'll want.

I think I find it harder knowing what it's like to be in that place because I know nothing I can say will help. I just want to shake her and make her see sense. What do you do in a situation like this?

OP posts:

Triumphoveradversity · 30/05/2013 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollyBerryBush · 30/05/2013 15:52

Are you going to be pushing with a prosecution? the implication in your OP he threatened you and bruised you?

justmyview · 30/05/2013 15:53

Domestic abuse is very complicated. I suggest you read some books to understand it better, so you can support your friend. You do need to take care for your own safety

BeerTricksPotter · 30/05/2013 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quoteunquote · 30/05/2013 15:57

Give her the women's aid contacts, explain her life does not have to be this way, tell her to come to you if she needs support, but explain you will never have contact with him again.

It's important you tell her that type of behaviour will never be tolerated by you, or anyone with any sense,

tell her you love her and tell her she is not safe with him.

Make sure your home has security, never open your door without checking through the spy hole and use the chain.

make sure the police prosecute,

and it will probably get worse before it gets better.

sands

Make sure she has had sands support.

StealthPolarBear · 30/05/2013 15:57

Op has been in an abusive relationship

Charlesroi · 30/05/2013 16:00

That's a pretty awful situation. So sorry.

I think you have to let her know that you are still her friend, that you are happy to see her (away from him) and that you will do anything you can to help.
I also think that one of the most helpful things you could do would be to press charges against him (whether she chooses to or not), as he did assault you.
It's shit. Good on you for being a good mate to your friend.

Original poster

AnneNonimous · 30/05/2013 18:45

Thank you for replies

Yes he did cause the bruises by pushing me into their coffee table.

I wasn't planning on pressing charges. It took a lot of effort for me to get her to ring the police because she didn't want him to get in trouble. And this was while we were both terrified. So I fear that if I pressed charges against him she would alienate herself from me and I wouldn't be able to hep her.l

OP posts:

TheRealFellatio · 30/05/2013 18:51

Well she may not want to press charges but that doesn't mean you shouldn't. You'll be doing her a favour in the long run, though I doubt she'll thank you for it.

Cosydressinggown · 30/05/2013 18:53

Press charges. He needs to start clocking up a police record and become 'known' to them for when he does this again, and SHE needs to see that you, as a fellow woman, do not let a man away with doing this. Honestly.

IvanaCake · 30/05/2013 18:56

I honestly think you will help her in the long run if you press charges.

SuburbanRhonda · 30/05/2013 18:59

OP, be careful if you give her any information from Women's Aid. If he starts doing things like checking her phone and there's a number on there he doesn't recognise, or if he finds a WA card in her purse, he could explode again.

Our local WA gives out what look like bar code stickers and the number underneath is their phone number. You can stick it on the back of a diary of something, or anything you might expect to have a bar code on it.

MadamFolly · 30/05/2013 20:24

Yes you would be helping her by prosecuting, he will have a record and be a person of interest to the police.

By not pressing charges you may also be backing up her idea that it was not that big a deal.

Charlesroi · 31/05/2013 00:50

If you don't want to press charges that is, of course, entirely up to you.

Please do protect yourself by never being anywhere near this man again. Ever. The behaviour handbrake is off this one (and he'll be working on convincing your mate that it wasn't that bad). You'll have to explain to your friend, but just say you won't risk being in the same place as someone who has assaulted you.
Sorry again.

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