To stop trying to help

10 replies

dramajustfollowsme · 30/05/2013 13:57

My cousin split with her husband due to dv last week. I went straight to her aid, helped look after her young dd, got some shopping in, went through the turn2us website with her and gave her £100 to tide her over.
Today she was supposed to be going to go armed with the information from the website to sort out her benefits. I had said I would look after her dd whilst this happened.
There was no answer at her door or over the phone. I was a bit worried her ex had turned up, causing trouble. I phoned her mum (my aunt) and it turns out she had the baby whilst my cousin had been out on the piss last night, using the money I gave her. I get even more annoyed when I find she already has a new bloke. Yet another person she met over the net who has just arrived from Algeria.
I have changed various appointments etc to help her but she was hungover and in bed with her new man.
I'm sick of her and the whole situation. I have a lot of sympathy about what happened in her marriage but to move on to a similar relationship, sponging off others and taking no responsibility for her dd or how they are going to have money to live is just too much.
I'm sure she thinks when I calm down I will still help. However I don't want to. I don't want to be taken advantage of yet again.

OP posts:

LeaveTheBastid · 30/05/2013 14:00

YANBU. You've tried, she has to help herself too. Leave her to it.

SueDnym · 30/05/2013 14:00

YANBU.

comedycentral · 30/05/2013 14:04

Bloody hell she is so out of order. You sound lovely though.

squeakytoy · 30/05/2013 14:06

No excuse for domestic violence, but what was the reason for her husband leaving?

Hardly heartbroken if she already has a new man in her bed less than a week later by the sounds of it.

flanbase · 30/05/2013 14:08

You've done your best. I hope her child is looked after properly

3Caramel · 30/05/2013 14:08

Absolutely YANBU! You sounds like a great friend :) But unfortunately you can't make her grown up, so yes, just stay out of it all, don't "lend" her anymore money, and only help her again in the future when she apologies and asks you for help - and even then, no money - just advice! Otherwise, when money gets involved, things always get messsy.

Finola1step · 30/05/2013 14:19

YADNBU. You have tried your best. She is an adult who can make her own choices.

You have done what you needed to do re last week's emergency. Now it sounds like that it is time to let her get on with it.

Birdsgottafly · 30/05/2013 14:54

I have found, after giving lots of help to others, that you can influence the outcome very little, they have to do it for themselves.

I would keep in contact, just to make sure that her DD is ok, bringing men home who she doesn't know anything about, will put her DD at risk.

She needs support from a "Woman's group" on the face of it, but she has to instigate that herself for it to work.

Make the help that you give, "empowering" rather than cash etc.

CloudsAndTrees · 30/05/2013 15:15

YANBU. Leave her to it.

You can't make someone accept help and do the best for themselves. If she chooses to give herself a shit life, that's up to her.

Dahlen · 30/05/2013 15:55

It's not that uncommon. For some people who've been in a controlling relationship once the control is removed they can go a bit mad. It's like letting a 6-year-old loose in the sweetshop and telling them they can eat and take what they want.

She may settle down with time and be ready to build a life for herself properly then. She may not. You could have a word about the effect this may have on her DD if you're feeling brave, but it's down to her really.

Flip