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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel weird (and a bit scared) to go out without DD?

28 replies

VulvaVoom · 30/05/2013 10:35

Going shopping in a bit without 7 month old DD (who's at her Grandparents until this afternoon)

I've often said how lovely it would be to 'nip' into a few shops without the buggy, browse without worrying about feeding times, a bored grizzly baby etc.

But now, I feel almost scared of the idea, what If I start talking to myself? 'Should Mummy get Daddy some bananas?'. I already 'rock' things that she's not in, like trolleys - or myself as if I'm holding her when I'm not

Also, I'm an invisible nobody again, don't have my jolly baby to make people smile and be nice!

Feels almost like going out naked, so unused to it, feel nervous.

On the plus side have had a lovely relaxing morning but missing her like mad now and want her back

OP posts:

quesadilla · 30/05/2013 10:38

YANBU. It's totally normal to feel like this when you have a newborn. On the other hand 7 months is long enough to feel joined at the hip with your baby: you do need to start getting used to doing things on your own again so you should feel the fear and do it anyway.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 30/05/2013 10:46

Lol about the "should Mummy get Daddy some bananas?"

I remember feeling like this OP and when I DID go out alone, I sat in a cafe staring at other Mothers with their babies!

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 30/05/2013 10:47

I should mention...my 5 year old DD has gone off with her friend and her Mum today for a day out....I feel WEIRD! have borrowed my child to someone else!

3Caramel · 30/05/2013 10:50

Love your post! It's not weird at all to feel like that :) Even after 21 months, I still hear phantom baby noises/crys in the house on the rare occasion that I'm home alone. I remember the first time out & about with my ds and yes, it felt like I was missing a limb! But it's good to gradually start doing the odd thing alone & getting back who you are, however strange it feels at first. Enjoy!

MrsLyman · 30/05/2013 10:52

YANBU, it does feel very weird at first, although it is somewhat liberating once you get used to it.

I remember feeling really scared going out in the dark on my own when DS1 was a few months old, he was a spring baby and what with all the long nights over the summer when he was tiny I just hadn't been out after dark for a very long time. I was only going round the corner to the shop but it was very creepy.

FrustratedSycamoresRocks · 30/05/2013 11:02

Not wierd at all. My 7yo has gone out for the day and I'm still talking to myself.

GrumpyRedhead · 30/05/2013 11:08

YANBU.

I have three under five, so pretty much always have at least one of them with me. Any time I escape out on my own, I feel lost! I feel like everyone is looking at me. I dread to think what I'll be like by the time the youngest gets to school

Flobbadobs · 30/05/2013 11:08

I rocked a shopping trolley to sleep more than once! Funny thing was that no one looked at me strangely, just with sympathy
Ad you know the rocking/bouncy thing some people do when soothing a crying baby? Did that with a loaf of bread.
It is strange when you go out for the first time without the baby but it will get easier x

milkymocha · 30/05/2013 11:11

I feel the same way OP, i found music with headphones helped

Ive rocked a bottle of diet coke many times!

JollyOrangeGiant · 30/05/2013 11:12

My 25mo is at my friend's today so I can get some things done. Tomorrow I will be having my friend's toddler here with me and DS.

I've had an hour so far and have enjoyed a coffee in peace!

It is totally normal to feel guilty and strange about the whole thing. It does get easier :)

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 30/05/2013 11:14

I totally get it.

I still occasionally talk to myself.

And going out without a buggy made me feel weirdly "exposed" (also, people don't stop for you at zebra crossings)

WilsonFrickett · 30/05/2013 11:22

Och I still get this and my DS is 7! Take the tiniest handbag you possibly can, I always felt the joy of not having to wield a changing bag made up a little bit for my missing limb. Have a nice day.

PicklePants · 30/05/2013 11:23

MrsLyman I felt the same about going out after dark the first couple of times! Very weird.

Enjoy your alone time OP, and then enjoy lots of lovely cuddles with DD when she comes back

EglantinePrice · 30/05/2013 11:23

Sometimes I rock the trolley.

Yes totally get it, just build up bit by bit so it doesn't start to become a real obstacle.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 30/05/2013 11:25

Totally understand.

I'm off shopping without my 15 month old (my mil is babysitting). And I feel very strange, I miss him at the same time as looking forward to being able to clothes shop easily.

I've also rocked shopping trollies!

FannyMcNally · 30/05/2013 11:31

I felt that I had nothing to lean on when I was out without a buggy. And actually having to carry shopping without looping it over the handles was a shock! I was very emotional after 9 years when I knew I was 'on my own'.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 30/05/2013 11:32

I also used to buy far more than I could carry, because I didn't have the buggy with me.

I bought a shopping trolley ...

Original poster

VulvaVoom · 30/05/2013 12:36

Well, been out and just got back, very short shopping trip!

I felt so weird and awkward and totally 'exposed' without the buggy Jamie it's very odd isn't it?!

Worst thing was, I was in a charity shop and a woman was (really) loud parenting a teeny baby in a sling, I'm a bit guilty of this too but she was going 'shall we get this for Daddy's birthday' and then she said DDs name, so her baby was obviously called that. Wanted to run over and say 'My DDs called that, it's lovely isn't it' but without her there it felt wrong!

I need to build up the confidence I think, have realised how bad it's got :(

BTW, I'm a long term MNetter but had to change my name as I forgot my password and for some reason the email address I use isn't the one that's registered

OP posts:

noblegiraffe · 30/05/2013 12:38

I was suddenly very aware of my arms and not knowing what to do with them because they weren't carrying a baby or pushing a buggy. I settled for an awkward swing.

MumnGran · 30/05/2013 12:43

.... and it just carries on feeling as though your right arm is missing! going to pre-school is a breakthrough point, but can be very traumatic for a lot of mums.

And then we wonder why there are so many moans about mothers/MIL's wanting to be over-involved in their childrens lives. Trust me ..... its because changing how you feel, as a mother, can be really hard!

Original poster

VulvaVoom · 30/05/2013 12:46

Oooh yes a shopping trolley, something to hide behind and to make me look even more ubercool

OP posts:

MatersMate · 30/05/2013 12:51

noble I do the awkward swing too, never know what to do with my arms wen I have nothing in them, often take the dog, just to deflect! Can't remember last time I actually went shopping on my own though

ShowOfHands · 30/05/2013 12:54

It never goes away completely and good heavens, your baby is 7 months. No way 'should' you be getting used to being separated if you don't want to. At 7 months both of mine were still bfing round the clock and ds had terrible separation anxiety. Do it in your own time. If you want to. If you're feeling too anxious about it all, then perhaps you might want to talk about that but feeling wrong when away from your 7 month old baby is fine. Your job is to protect them, they're the most looked for part of your life and they are your world for months on end. Suddenly remove them and gravity just shifts.

My dd is 6yo and last night she slept at my mum's house. I still look for her when walking along with ds, see things and turn to tell her about them, listen out for her in the night etc etc. She isn't there, I know this rationally but emotionally, she is never far away.

My Dad says it's like the daemons in Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials. The further away they are, the more wrong it feels.

Please don't let anybody tell you that you 'should' be cutting the apron strings of that 'x amount of time is enough to be joined at the hip'. Your baby is still a dependent and vulnerable not even 1yo.

Mabelface · 30/05/2013 13:19

It changes when they get older. I now kick my teenagers out of the door so they get off screens and go and do something constructive. On of the best bits is when you can ditch car seats etc, shout to them "Let's go!" and everyone just piles in the car and sorts themselves out.

MatersMate · 30/05/2013 13:25

Madlizzy I can't wait to be rid of the fackin car seats!

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