Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To track down my long lost father?

20 replies

dontcallmehon · 30/05/2013 00:21

I am not sentimental. I know my mother, with all her faults, brought me up well. She was a single parent and my father had no contact with me, although he paid money for me until I finished full time education when I was 21.

He ignored a letter I, (at my mum's insistence) sent to tell him I had won a place at Oxford.

I could procure his address reasonably easily. I am 33 with dc of my own. He lives in the city I live in.

I have NO interest in a relationship. But, my mother is very pale White-English-Irish descent. My father is Egyptian. I look like him. I know nothing of Egypt. I feel there is part of me I will never truly know.

I suppress it mostly. I am VERY proud and strong. I do not want to be rejected by any man, particularly my 'father' - who has already rejected me by abandoning me at birth. But whenever I have a drink, I yearn to meet him, to find out my ancestry. I need to see where my olive skin and black eyes come from. I have agonised over this for years. What should I do? Do I really have anything to gain from tracking him down? Or would it be the ultimate, crushing rejection?

OP posts:
rabbitlady · 30/05/2013 00:25

you are one heck of a woman. get some counselling then go for it.
i wouldn't start by telling him its 'when you have a drink' that you think of it, though.

you can find out about egypt without him, you know. google. take a holiday. read up.

dontcallmehon · 30/05/2013 00:27

I know, but he is the link to Egypt that I have really. I'd feel like a tourist going there otherwise. I wouldn't tell him anything. He doesn't deserve it. I just have questions. He is older than my mum, in his 70s. I know I have to decide soon or not at all.

OP posts:
lisad123everybodydancenow · 30/05/2013 00:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dontcallmehon · 30/05/2013 00:34

The thing is, I don't even speak to mums at the school gate, so the thought of knocking on his door and announcing 'Hey, I'm your daughter...' well, it wouldn't happen. I'm strong, but I'm also a very private introvert and he is, essentially, a stranger.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 30/05/2013 00:36

Does he have another family? Are they aware of your existence too?

I am in a similar dilemma as I would like to trace my birth father, who knows of my existence, but what is holding me back is that his wife and daughters most likely dont and I would not wish to blow their world apart, so I have to accept that I will never know him (if he is still alive anyway) or meet my half siblings.

dontcallmehon · 30/05/2013 00:39

He was married, but she died a few years ago. He had a daughter to an Egyptian woman and she went to Egypt when the relationship broke down (before he met my mum). I will never find my half sister :( She was born before he met my mum.

OP posts:
MusicalEndorphins · 30/05/2013 06:09

Well, knowing myself, I would do it. I spent years searching for my father, without result. It would give you some closure I think.

MusicalEndorphins · 30/05/2013 06:13

But have no expectations....it sounds like he has shut that chapter of his life.

Mixxy · 30/05/2013 06:42

Like youself, I would have a constant need to know, particularly if I had a glass of wine.

YANBU to seek him out, just make sure your expectations are reasonable. It sounds as if he has lead a life littered with broken relationships. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

You are a very smart, educated woman with a wonderful DC. Any father would be proud of you. If he can't be, then prepare yourself for some serious rejection and pain.

Don't do it for your mother or your child: do ot for yourself.

thecakeisalie · 30/05/2013 08:32

I've considered this line of thought many times myself but just can't bring myself to find a man who knew of my existence but has wanted nothing to do with me since age 3. My father hasn't paid child support either though so literally no contact since about age 7 when I got a birthday card. I just don't understand how a man can go from crying when I was born to never seeing me again just 3yrs later.

I personally couldn't deal with the rejection but I totally understand what you mean about almost feeling like there's a missing piece in your past. I would say as long as you can remain fairly emotionally detached then go for it.

I'm a little worried of missing that window of opportunity and regretting it but I just can't bring myself to ope that can of worms.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Punkatheart · 30/05/2013 08:43

What a fantastic person you have become. I think - if you do this - you must build a shell around youself first, until you know his reaction.

Good luck.

alabasterangel · 30/05/2013 09:19

Long - sorry.

I've been in your shoes, and I met my birth father who had walked out on my and my DM when I was 6 months old. I had the same yearnings and curiosity as you do, particularly about physical features and also my tastes and likes which are different from my DM's. I had a scratch which was begging to be itched.

Your case may turn out to be very different, but for me personally, retrospectively I wish I hadn't found him. We had a 'short' relationship, of maybe 6 months, when I met with him a handful of times. I learnt I had two half siblings, and have subsequently learnt I probably have others too, but he wasn't truthful with me. From the start I asked him to be clear that I didn't want a 'Dad' I just wanted to know and understand who my 'father' was, and he was in agreement with this, but after a while things changed and we both wanted very different things from knowing each other. Just as easily as he pulled away from my life at 6 months old, he pulled away again when I was almost 30, and I've not heard a word from him or my half siblings since.

My own opinion, since subsequently having 2 DC of my own and having a bloody wonderful DH and father to his kids, is that DH couldn't possibly walk away from them no matter what the circumstances he would have to keep some contact (and would certainly fight for that). Before having the DC I kind of 'accepted' my fathers 'rejection' (twice in my life), but since having kids myself I now can't do that, and I would be very happy to never have anything else to do with him and I suspect I never will. I didn't stop to think enough about the fact that he had every opportunity to contact ME all through my 30 years (as does your father if he has kept financial ties) but for some reason didn't.

I also thought that I had prepared myself to be open to whatever sort of person he was - vastly different to me, or the same, or somewhere in between. In your thoughts you make someone your own, and no matter how intelligent, or logical you are, you do do this to some (even subconcious) degree. For me it was a bit of a shocker to be honest that he was nothing like I imagined at all (in a negative way). We were polar opposites. I also found it extremely hard to knit together that the man, the stranger, who was in front of me was my FATHER yet I felt nothing whatsoever for him, and I found it quite crushing that I was able to subsequently have no contact again with him and not care about that - in that respect it would have been better not to have bothered in the first place.

My own personal conclusions were that blood is most definately not thicker than water, and that the person who you 'are' is defined by your upbringing rather than your genes.

I wish I'd had a bit of counselling before doing it (and thats despite being a very level headed, sensible, unemotional adult) there were aspects of it that I'd not worked through and should have done. I was advised to and didn't as I was sure I didn't need it. I was wrong.

Mine is only one possible outcome of many, and I know there are lots of success stories, but proceed with caution would be my experienced advice. Good luck OP.

dontcallmehon · 30/05/2013 09:54

Hmm, yes that has given me some thought, alabaster angel. I don't want to stir up difficult emotions when I am happy as I am. It's a shame he doesn't have other relatives I could contact instead. I also know what you mean thecake, about opening up a can of worms.

OP posts:
MusicalEndorphins · 31/05/2013 09:49

Do you know the name of your sister in Egypt? Perhaps you can find her?

miemohrs · 31/05/2013 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dontcallmehon · 01/06/2013 23:30

I know her first name, but not her second name. There is no way I could track her down in a foreign country, sadly. I would love to go to Egypt, but I don't think the touristy places would reflect the real Egypt. The village my dad was born in is safe to travel to I think, although I do worry about the safety situation in some areas, particularly if they are off the usual tourist track.

OP posts:
MrsMook · 02/06/2013 02:18

I met my father at 27. I'd known where he lived since I was 15 but my fear of rejection and my mother's reaction held me back. One day, he put an entry under my dancing school on Friends Reunited, so I decided it was time to write a letter. After a couple of letters we met, and for me it's been a happy experience. He regretted not being part of my life for so long and I've gained another family. It has damaged an already fragile relationship with my mother, but I had to do it for myself.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

MusicalEndorphins · 02/06/2013 08:03

Someone else is searching for a family, maybe the reply she got could help you should you decide to look for her.
This is a dumb question probably, but do they have facebook in Egypt? Blush
www.topix.com/forum/world/egypt/TQOH8ELNQCF91TTL9

DontWorryYoniMe · 02/06/2013 15:20

I was really interested to read your post, and I wish you all the best with making a decision about what to do. I hope it all works out as happily as possible for you.

Really, I don't think I know enough to give you any useful advice.

But I am about to be in a very similar situation as a single mum to a little one who will be genetically half from a background that's very different to my own, and the father has said he will have no contact with her. I posted asking for advice here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/philosophy_religion_spirituality/1765869-DDs-absent-dad-is-Jewish-should-this-influence-how-I-bring-her-up

I wonder, from your experience of growing up with your mum in a very similar situation - is there anything you would recommend doing (or not doing)? I would really like to give little one the best possible chance of being happy and I hate to imagine her feeling rejected by her father, or as if a part of her is missing, and I just don't know what is best to do to help.

crumblepie · 02/06/2013 16:49

if you want a relationship or some answers then i think this man owes you that , i would try one last time before its too late , then you wont regret not trying , good luck if you do search for him .

New posts on this thread. Refresh page