to not just get over it

[abayababe]

ds 3rd child now 2yrs was very ill when he was born, pneumonia, sepsis, and meningits, had blood transfusions, lumbar punctures, ventilated you name it, he recovered from all this and at 3 weeks old suffered heart failure was ventilated again but thankfully made a full recovery, although he remained on medication for a year he is 100% fine, throughtout all this we have lived overseas, I naturally didnt cope very well with two other kids to look after and my dh also had to work abroad as well as my family being back home, we coped just about, although I think of it everyday and count ourselves very lucky, it could have been a totally different outcome for ds.

My problem is dhs families reaction to the whole situation at the time, when we returned home with a healthy baby months later we were accused of overeacting and dramatising the whole thing, i was accused of being paranoid and over protective, i was told i wasent the only person with problems!!!! Mil and sil were and still are very cold towards me, i feel i was at the lowest time in my life and was treating like shit basically, my own family understood and were great and to be hones i just got on with things once he was well, i was just a bit over anxious which i think is understandable, but now two years down the line i cant forgive and forget, a big thing is my dh did not back me up although he agress with me when its just us, he never really addressed it with his family and I am still so hurt I dont think things can ever be the same and I dread family get toghethers.....

YANBU, but I do think that families find it difficult to know how to behave/what to say in situations like this. My dd was also very poorly as a baby (rare congenital heart defect that was undiagnosed for 5 months, each time she caught a cold she required intensive care) and my family and my in laws also pissed me off a great deal - my parents kind of withdrew and left us to it and my in laws got in a big tizz, mil on pills for anxiety and sil texting us constantly telling us she was crying over dd, etc. I then ended up having a huge row with my sil about something that really didn't matter that much, but I'd had such an awful year it came out as anger about this thing iyswim.

You will always think about your ds's illness - I still quite often have a little cry about dd and always think about it a lot on the run up to the anniversary of her surgery. I think you would be wise to try and let go of the bad feeling you have towards your in laws, rather than continue to resent them. It won't change anything that has happened and will take a lot of your energy.

thank you littlepeas for understanding and yes you are right x

YANBU but I think it is something you will work through and eventually let go of. Some people seem to be unable to take in the enormity of what happens to small babies in situations like this whereas for us as mothers not only what happened is uppermost in our minds but also what could have been. It is not so present for others and sometimes other people seem to want to forget it all to the extent it seems like they are rewriting history. They are not being fair to you but they don't really know what you have gone though, they are in a state of ignorance.

YANBU. My DS2 had a congenital heart/lung defect, that he was not strong enough to have an op for until he was nearly 2yo. In that time, he was in and out of hospital on a weekly basis, we had to learn infant CPR as he would just stop breathing. We had open access to the medical ward at the local Children's Hospital until he was 9, and used it on at least a monthly basis.

He is now a strapping 20yo, with a physically stressful job.

But, for years after his op, and still now, I was accused of exaggerating his condition, making him "too soft", being precious if I didn't let him go to family events if someone was ill, especially if I didn't want him in contact with some one with a cold (FFS, he has heart and lung problems) and to top it all, when we got the date for his surgery (at a national Centre of Excellence which was not local) was told by MIL that I was being too protective of him, Dr's are the Anti-Christ and I should just "Pray to God to Heal him".

Just think they are lucky enough to not have a child with medical needs.

And then, ignore them. You are doing the best for your child, they are ignorant.

And, I promise, it will get better as you see him getting bigger, better and stronger.

Hi, YANBU to be traumatised by what happened. My own DS has also just turned two and was sick when very little - premature, ventilated, infections, lumbar puncture, blood disorder, multiple hospital stays, etc. He is fine now, but I did find it very hard to deal with both sides of the family at the time, and two years later, hardly a day goes by without my thinking about the trauma we went through.

It is really hard to understand what is going on with a sick baby unless you are the one in hospital, never sleeping because you are listening to the bleeping machines, seeing your tiny baby connected to life support, etc. Your PILs probably don't know what you went through and never will. In our case, it didn't help that my father had just died a few weeks before and my mum was just too grief stricken to engage or help. Both sides of the family are overseas so they didn't see him until much later. My MIL said very hurtful things to me which I know I will never forget. However, I also know she loves her GCs deeply, and that is what matters most - the ongoing relationship, rather than the past one.

You do not have to forgive, but you need to move on. What they think really doesn't matter - you know what you went through. Good luck, giving you a good hand squeeze

YANBU. (Before I start, I know that this in no way compares to how awful your experience was but I kinda get where you are coming from so thought I would share...) My DD had colic. She would cry and scream for 12 hours a day. I couldnt put her down ever and, when it was really bad, even holding her didn't bring her any comfort. She would sob and so would I. Some days would be better than others but me complaining about her crying and taking her to the doctors all of the time (I thought that there must be something wrong with her because she cried all of the time) invariably led to comments from the ILS about how 'all babies cry' and made me feel like I was exaggerating. It wasn't until they witnessed a colic attack in full force and none of their 'miracle' suggestions worked that they realised how bad it was. FIL actually turned to my husband whilst she was screaming and said 'is this what she is like then?' and my hubby snapped and said 'yes, all of the time, we are not making it up!'. I think the point I am trying to make is that, with some people, unless they see it for themselves they do not believe it. My mum was the complete opposite, but she had the same experience with me as a baby so believed me completely and was an invaluable help. My DD is now 22 months and perfectly healthy, but I was in Tesco the other day and I could hear a very young baby crying - it was that desperate newborn cry - and I instantly felt tense and queasy. If I hadnt been with DH (who would have thought I was mad) I would have put my shopping basket down and left the shop. I cant even entertain the idea of having another baby yet because I am not 'over' the trauma of colic. It is no wonder you cant just 'get over' your inlaws reaction, you arent 'over' the trauma of your ds's illness. Why would you be? It is only with time that you realise just how bloody traumatic what you went through was. You need to find a way to build a relationship with your inlaws, but I think you might find that the only way you can do that is if you talk to them about how they made you feel. Im lucky in that I have a good relationship with my MIL so I told her quite soon how she made me feel and we moved past it once she made the effort to understand. Good luck x

YANBU

I would find it really hard to forgive being treated like that. It was cruel of them to be so horrible at a difficult time, there was no need for it

You don't need to forgive and forget but you do need to try and accept the kind of people they are and move on. Try not to let them get to you

YANBU

I had a v premmie son & generally people were ok but the onea who werent I know I wont forget in a hurry. My SIL refused to accept that I wasnt going to her birthday meal, she said that the drs would sort him out if he were to deteriorate. Another 'friend' left an abusive voicemail message because I didnt attend her husbands birthday meal. Her reasoning was the same as my sils. People still say to me that my ds will be fine or question why he cant do certain things. They don't get that he wont grow out of his prematurity rather that it will grow with him & affect him in unexpected ways for the rest of his life.

I avoided going to baby groups because of people gawping , making comments and trying to pull at his ng tube ffs! Worse was the precious first tine mums at my lical nct, they were awful. So i stayed home or went out alone to the park etc. I dont have a big friendship circle for my son but thats ok as we are happy on our own.

Try to move forward it is hard but use that energy positively for your child.

What an incredibly unhelpful response from your Ils! Of course this traumatic time in your lives has affected you and you need to talk about it. I really hope you have someone that you are able to talk to or that you are at least a little comforted by the experiences people have shared here.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences, it really does help, I guess people don't get it if they haven't been through such an experience themselves, I would have expected a little bit empathy of some sort at the time, they all have young children themselves, it's comforting to know that I am not the only one who sheds a quiet tear now and then when I think back, I am of course eternally grateful that he is now perfectly fine, I still have to be vigilant when he is under the weather and gets a fever it can send his heart rate into over drive which involves a hospital visit.

Lolly daydream - you are right it's the what ifs that pray on my mind as with any traumatic experience I suppose.

Mama bear - I would never underestimate colic, I never encountered it with my 3, but I have a niece who had it really badly and I no it can be a living hell and not many people are sympathetic and blame the parents or the child, my niece is 8 now and delightful, my DB's other kids didn't suffer from it so maybe your case was a once off too:)

I will never forget those who showed me kindness and understanding I will also never forget those who were uncaring, dismissive and hurtful, you really do find out who your friends are.

Mrs devere, I' am so sorry you lost your little girl, I hope time has given you the strength to cope, no one should have to go through losing a child, it's one of the cruellest things x

I've been incredibly lucky to have escaped experiences described on this thread, but I just wanted to say, even though I've not experienced it, I would never EVER act in the way some of your 'friends' and family have.

Not quite sure what I'm trying to say. I suppose that I can empathise without having had the experience and not act like a knobhead and I'm sorry you've all had people in your life who can't do that.

As a mother of a baby born at 29 weeks 24 years ago I quite understand where you're coming from but it was your private hell and I don't think family truly understand fully what you go through when your child/baby is desperately ill. I spent every waking second at the cot side of my beautiful daughter and was there for EVERY procedure from brain scans to blood work and everything in between. Of course my family and dh family visited but baby was mostly asleep in cot or happy n fed during visit.You don't tend to ring family and give them the really graphic details Of course they should support you but they are probably hugely relieved that baby is at home and healthy now and want to treat you just a new,happy mum...I'm not sure if a group such as 'Bliss' may be able to put you in touch with other mums with similar experiences to yourself which could help. Please don't think I'm being harsh but when you have a newborn desperately sick things are soo much different than having a healthy baby and folks don't always know how to react (including family). I personally didn't get any birth cards until my daughter came home because folks were obviously afraid that she wouldn't come home .Glad your baby is ok now. x