To be furious with ex?

[Coop75]

Background. Split a year ago. Controlling selfish arse. 3 kids, 1 teen, 1 with SN. Has done bare minimum since, never given me a penny.

He Was diagnosed with depression, pills have helped and recently I've seen changes. Been together 20 years.

Have agreed to try and work things out, spend some time together. I'm still doing most of stuff for kids.

Today he was supposed to have kids overnight. No contact since lunchtime, phone off. I eventually went to his house and he was there - said he assumed I'd just drop them off. He'd been out with ds1 this morning and us, then him and ds1 went off to do boys stuff. I assumed he'd turn up here or at least text when he was at his. Nothing.

I feel angry and upset and let down again. That he's just as selfish as he ever was. He just said "well obviously I'd be here". Didn't seem to care I had tears in my eyes.

I might be BU. I'm fucking knackered. I work 4 days a week and have the kids all other times bar 1 night a week.

I would spend some time with him, without the children, discuss what you expect and what is, and has not been acceptable in his actions recently. If he dismisses this, then I wouldn't go there with regards trying again. If he seems to genuinely apologise and say he will make more of an effort, then see if he sticks to it.

Some men aren't very hands on, and see the responsibility more as the woman's, but unfortunately this shows up more when they are a NRP than when living together. Which is also the time it isn't going to go down well at all!
It may be he is used to you doing the majority of the care (which you shouldn't have to) but that he therefore expects this of you and needs telling that it is an issue. Some people can be a bit dim and need things spelling out, and hopefully that is the issue rather than him just being an entitled arse!

And include child maintainance/money help in the what is expected talk! If this gets ignored go to CSA.

Thank you seaweed. He's knocked all my self confidence out of me and half the time I just don't know what to think. It was a huge deal for me to say it's over. I really think he should have let me know when he and ds1 were home!

A lot depends on whether you think him knocking your confidence was a deliberate method of controlling or belittling you, or whether it was a side effect of him being self absorbed with the depression.

You need to try and think long term, do you think you would be happy with him in 10-20 more years time, or will he continue to be selfish and make you unhappy? Are you thinking of giving it another try because you miss him as the person before the depression, or do you think you have moved on and could be happier with someone else but are lonely waiting for that someone so going back to him?

Only you know what is best for you, but you don't deserve to be feeling unconfident and you shouldn't be expected to run about reading his mind or doing his share of parenting!! He is being lazy and you will need to set and keep to tough rules about how he should be treating you. If he can't respect you then distance yourself and try to leave the idea of trying again at least for the time being.