To want to see your funny,bogus au pair adverts????

[salsmum]

If you were advertising for an Au pair what would you put in your ad?
here goes;
Wanted; live in Au pair for a 24 year old wheelchair using girl called Sal.
Likes to go to bed late and will delay bedtime by playing recorded shows such as Britains Got Talent and Jezza Vile, will only drink Vodka Wicked if it's packed with e-numbers blue coloured and loves collecting tattoos, please be careful when brushing her hair in case pink hair extensions fall out! Please be prepared to have toes run over when she passes in her electric chair disclaimer I hold no responsibility for crushed feet. We have a happy, smiley family as long as DP is not disturbed in his OCT daily routines and I'm allowed periodically to check MN. If you have problems with family dog farts, cat sick and a very annoying, repetitive parrot do not apply for the right candidate you can enjoy accommodation in a leafy wooden cabin style hut with window in garden in Kent where between the hours of 1am-6am you can study amongst the lawn mower and general garden crap garden tools to the sound of noisy fekin our resident wood pigeon. Working hours are 6am to 12 midnight 8 days a week. In between such times you may be required to service DP although this will be on a 'once in a blue moon basis' which will be accumulated to result in a half hour yearly bonus! If family want some bonding time you will be asked to return to garden cabin until their trivial arguments have died down enough for them to want a 'group hug'.
Although few cooking duties are required you will be required to 'pop down the chippie' at a minutes notice . 4 weeks holiday a year with family to Margate. £70 a week and unlimited use of Tesco club card.

salsmum,

Can I send you my CV?

LOL Corkyandviolet I forgot to mention that if you're not a U.K. citizen I will hold your passport and hide it in the crap on top of the wardrobe in a suitable place .

tehehe

Actually sounding interesting over the constant crying my dd is treating me to. Tbf its getting quieter now my ear drums are giving up slowly.

*disclaimer- im being mean, shes poorly. Still doesn't make it easier :-(

Super Lovely Family Looking for Super Lovey Mary Poppins for London Au Pair Position!

Hello, we are a wonderful, FUN, loving, and kind family. We are looking for a super organized part-time au pair to be part of our family. You would be only working part-time, a few hours here and there doing a spot of very light cleaning and a tiny bit of little baby sitting.
Our super-duper happy family lives in an amaaaazing village with super lovely convienient bus and train service to London. The buses run every two hours and are just a 10 mile walk from our house. The bus will then take you to our local train station where you can catch a train for a quick 3 hour ride into London. You will absolutely LOVE this and be doing this very often since my hubby and me need lots of time to ourselves when our friends come over for dinner parties (which I'm really known for around here)
We have 3 amaaaaazing daughters, 2 year old triplets: Khaleesi, Odessa, and Octavia. My hubby also has 2 handsome sons aged 13 and 14 who visit just once in a while (Thu-Mon every week plus school holidays plus Tue-Thu on top of that three weeks a month).
Your hours would be very part time as said, just some childcare from about 6:30-1:30pm, then you could take classes or meet other au pairs in London or whatever. I'll need you again from 2:30-4:30pm, and then from about 4:30-9pm. Also about 2 hrs of light cleaning (beds, laundry, vacuum, dust, dishes, muck out horses, take rubbish to local tip) that you'll need to fit into the day. Just two nights babysitting a week, plus 1-2 nights at the weekend and possibly a couple of extra nights a week. This is always SO MUCH FUN and you can even iron while doing this!!!
The very lucky candidate will have a lovely single room in our three bedroom, newly renovated, very gorgeous very fabulous flat. The room will be yours for the most part unless my stepsons are staying over. You will also have your own downstairs loo with a dodgy sink en suite bathroom that you will share with the children.
Since this really is part time we will be paying the lucky candidate $70 per week, plus 50p towards their $30 travel costs in time they go into 'town'.
We are only looking for British born au pairs who have at least a two year degree and 5-50 years experience. Can't wait to have you as part of our happy family!

Honey You put a smile on my face on a very miserable day!

Hello Crashdoll, thanks very much for answering my ad! Crashdoll is a lovely name, are you maybe Slovakian or Slovenian? Our last au pair was from Romania and really was part of the family. She was such a good trooper and so committed that when she went on our yearly glamour packed 5 star family holiday to Blackpool she bunked with my hubby with no complaints.
A little bit more about a lovely little family. My husband, Vinny, works in his family's business. We are a very musical family, that's why you'll see Vinny coming home with a violin case. Due to his career his sometimes goes away on business trips for extended periods of time. While he is gone we may need you to visit him with little packages. Our last au pair had no problem doing this, actually she liked this so much that she is now vacationing in a very similar facility! Bless..
Vinny also needs a teeny weeny bit of help once in a while. You must be good at digging, laundry, and book keeping. If you have previous experience working as a butcher and love going to the dog races you will fit right in with our classy, professional, and humble family.
A little bit about me. I'm now a SAHM with a sucessful business as a fashion designer. I gave up being a classical ballerina at Stringfellows to do this. I now have a shoe collection out that involves hot gluing rhinestones onto flipflops and flogging them on Ebay and car boot salesthat has been hugely succesful. In fact this will be a huge benefit to you as some weeks I will pay you with said shoes.
The triplets will only eat very healthy organic food made from scratch so you must be a good cook. Our last au pair had so much spare time on her hands that she liked to bake yummy cupcakes every day! In fact, she loved doing this sooo much that she would get up at 4 am every morning to bake. She made so many that we couldn't possibly eat them all so I had no choice but to sell them to local cafes and for private events. Don't Slovakian girls love baking too?
Since you would be a lovely guest in our home and part of our darling little family we wouldn't expect you to eat dull, organic food, but instead I would make sure that you would have delicous gourmet treats such as fish fingers, lemon curd and pot noodles from Tesco's Valuuuuu (that's French for lovely) range.
Another added perk would be that at Christmas and the month's of the kid's birthdays you would be able to intern as a classical ballerina at Stringfellows. Really! They wouldn't charge you for the internship, and I would only ask you for all your tip money in exchange for making this arrangement.
Crashdoll, when can you start?

These are funny unlike some of the real ones which I found rather sinister.

I can't believe there is not more legislation covering au pairs. I think it is disgraceful if people hire 'au pairs' as a way to avoid paying minimum wage. It is exploitive.

Obviously, if it is done properly it can be perfectly ok.

Wanted: au pair for smiley family of two in a nice miserable, rainy corner of the UK. I work crazy hours for solid blocks of a few months at a time then have a few months off to regroup and spend time with darling child, however a new job may come up at incredibly short notice so do be prepared to disappear for a few months and reappear at a moments' notice when needed. Your responsibilities will include dragging me out of bed if I have an early start as I'm not really a morning person, escorting me to and from work and carrying my handbag, taking DD to and from school etc, cooking 3 meals a day suitable for my bizarre food habits (pasta post 5pm not acceptable- don't ask) and DD's allergies, and fighting a losing battle to keep my house tidy (most likely the equivalent of 7 hours cleaning a day, working alongside my cleaner, gardener and butler ). The ability to walk up the stairs without tripping over multiple pairs of shoes and the odd dalek would be a distinct advantage. You will also be expected to attend each and every one of DD's class assemblies/school plays etc in full cheerleading attire complete with pompoms to support her (costume not included), regardless of whether she's the starring role or lobster number 9. Salary of £70 a week with the opportunity to earn more if you fill in for me at parents evening, as I find the teachers far too scary. Also DD would probably give you a go on her trampoline twice a week if you have already mastered French plaits and you can do a good Mulan from Disney impression complete with Barbie doll- this will be round 25 in the audition process. Teaching/tutoring experience would be a bonus as DD's spelling is crap. Just in case I ever manage to get myself a boyfriend, reasonably good looking candidates taller than 5''2 need not apply.

Disclaimer: I reserve the right to give you the Lord Sugar finger across the kitchen if you touch my organic herbal teabags. Or try on my shoes. Or finish the loo roll without replacing it with a new one.

AuPair wanted for couple in 30s and mean fluffball cat.

You will live with us on our beautiful, quintessentially English inner city council estate. You will be willing to live with a man whose first language is not English and who often misunderstands simple statements with hilarious consequences He's not as weird as he first seems

Household duties include emptying the cat litter tray twice weekly and removing daily poos; ensuring we never run out of toilet roll; dealing with neighbour disputes - upstairs are very keen on loud music at 3am; and organising my wardrobe.

We're currently trying for a baby so you will have to leave the house when that's happening as our flat has thin walls and little privacy.

Pay is £15/week. We'll pay for all food but you will have to go to the supermarket for us or faff about with an online order.

Honey You had me at pot noodles......

LOL thanks girls you had me in stitches! .

Kentishwine, loved the bit about hubbs misunderstanding and not being English reminded me of when I used to work in a fish n chip shop and the greek owner always made me snigger when he asked for a piss off (piece of) fish x