not to want the in laws to look after DS?

[madmacbrock]

Dont get me wrong i have no major issues with them, and DS loves them and they love him and im sure they would never want to cause him any harm... However.. I just cant let myself trust them to look after him without me or hubby there. there are a number of reasons for this.

1. DS is comming up to 2 and can move fast, they cannot. they live right next to a very very fast and busy road and have no gate... if i asked them to put one in it would cause massive friction.
2. They are now pushing 70 and just have not the patience to deal with a todler prefering to sit him infront of the telly (whatever they are watching not really going to keep him still) and get frustrated when he does not sit quietly.
3. have watched them look after his cousins and not impressed. one was left playing on a beach with family they didnt know had backs constantly turned and was an hour before either of them turned to see where he was only to find him playing half a mile up the beach with a different family (I had been watching as I hope my SIL would), left to play unsupervised with fire, allowed to run out of pub accross the road to play in park at age of 4 again unsupervised and nearly got run over, constant remarks about being naughy when not really done much wrong. and lastly, (there are more but im taking up to much space) 4) i know that if i ask them to do or not do something with DS i.e. no fizzy pop they will just do what they want anyway. I would love to return to work in order to do that i would need DS to stay with them for some of that time and whilst i would appreciate it i just dont feel comfortable with it. I know that different people look after children differently and dont have a problem with that. i think my major issue is the road and them just not watching him close enough.

YANBU. Do you and DH not have any alternative childcare e.g. nursery, childminder?

really comes down to money. DS would go to nursery for some of the time, given the choice would be all of the time, but just cant afford. DH is a bit on the fence his mum bought up twins and a one year old at same time so he does think shes supermum, which i admit i tottaly admire her for. but he is also aware that that was some years ago and doesnt think that they can physically keep up with DS. the road issue does also concern him. he has even bought a gate but his dad just wont put it up.

First of all, I think it would be negligent of any parent to leave their child with people who don't prioritise that child's safety. Letting a child go off with strangers etc is not prioritising their safety and you would be wrong to leave your child in that environment.

Even if that was not the case, unless you and the GPs utterly share the same ideas when it comes to looking after children, or you know they will support what you want in terms of his day to day care, then I think it is always better to have paid child care rather than rely on relatives.

It is easier to set rules for someone you are paying than for relatives who are doing you a favour. And keeping family relationships separate from child care, means that those relationships are less fraught with tension and blurred boundaries regarding who gets to make decisions wrt the child's upbringing.

You say it comes down to money, but what price do you put on caring for your precious child?
If you are determined to return to work, then why not consider a mortgage break/ loan- whatever it takes to pay for proper professional childcare. On the other hand, if its about earning some extra money rather than getting back into the world of work, you may need to accept that if you can't afford the sort of care you're happy with, then you'll have to leave it for now. I assume you'll get some free nursery hours before long though which will help. And later on you'll just need wraparound care for before and after school which will be a lot cheaper.
I sympathise, because its tough when people genuinely can't afford to work because of childcare, but your child's well being has to come first.
Have you looked at whether you qualify for childcare help financially? I you're on a low income you should

Just cause she had twins and a 1 year old 40 years ago doesn't mean she can still do it. There was a lot less traffic back then too.
I used to do daycare and had my own to see to but that was 10 years ago, I wouldn't think I could do it at that level ever again, I'm no longer that young.
I'd do nursery or Child minder only if you are going back to work.

No.
Not under any circumstances.

Just - no.

If your father in law refuses to put the gate up then no way should they look after your child. That is awful. I agree with Janey68

You can't go with a decision that you're not entirely happy with, and you obviously aren't. Pay a professional, this is what I'm doing but my DS wouldn't be in danger with my MIL, it just wouldn't work, my DH is not happy but as 'mum' I need to be entirely happy with my choices. There's no room to take offense.

No.

The fact you have posted here saying to me that you as his mum have serious concerns. Please follow your instincts on this one.

Physical health is the issue with your ILS. Can you compromise and they perhaps pick him up from nursery for an hour or two and give him his tea? I am a great believer in grandchildren being encouraged to have proper relationships with grandparents.

FWIW when I was pregnant with DS1, MIL decided she was going to provide the childcare. There was no discussion - DH of course thought it was a great idea. In reality it lasted 3 weeks. And it was 3 weeks of hell. Everyday without fail I got a ph call, demanding I came home early from work because she had a doctors appointment/the hairdresser was coming/it was her girls night out endless excuses.

Really she didn't approve of me working and it was quite manufactured to force me to pack my job in. I found a child minder and whipped DS1 in there immediately! She wasn't best part pleased but I always dropped in after work for a cup of tea, so she could have an hours play with him!

Could you try a CM, rather than a nursery? It might cost less money whilst you reestablish yourself at work. Any chance of promotion, or other means to boost your income?

its nice to hear you all share in my concern, i was beginning to think i was being a little paranoid as SIL just says "thats just what their like!" thank you for your views and having heard them it has set my mind to definatly not leave him with them on own untill i am confident he is old enough to be aware of roads, even if that means no work till school.
thank you again.

OP they are just like my in laws who left my v blonde 3 yr old dd unsupervised on a Tunisian beach while they fetched water!!!! Lovely people, dcs love them, but I never left them in charge ( other than when they babysat in evenings).

Get a cm to look after him, I pay £40 daily to include 3 main meals and snacks from 8am to 5:30pm. I am in the south east so prices might be cheaper in your area.

What's their issue with putting a gate up? That just sounds weird.

Don't leave him with them, just don't.