To be stunned by out of the blue requests

[Ticklemonster2]

I have ds who is 3 in June and am currently expecting another ds in September. I have no family other than my sister who I've never had a close relationship with.
My husband and I have very little family support, so are used to getting on with things ourselves. We've been doing that so long we have got very good at it now. Plus, we love our time mucking about with ds.
Anyway, since ds was born I have tried to involve my sister. She has two teenage daughters who I am very close to. I helped my sister (as did my Mum (now deceased)) a massive amount when her girls were small as my sister didn't cope well. I was naive to think my sister may be as keen to be involved with my children.
In the nearly 3 years since ds was born my sister has seen him about 4 times a year and that usually involves me doing the running around. She lives only 6 miles away so not far geographically. She has let him/me down on a regular basis at VERY short notice when she is due to visit.
My sister does operate on a 'one way street' mentality (hence why we are not close), and although older than me is quite immature.
My sister had upset me a week ago by being really rude when I called for a chat after she pulled out of coming to see ds again at the last minute (prior to this she has not seen him since February). Later I messaged her to explain that it's not fair to keep letting my ds down. My only response from her was 'f* o**'. I decided to just leave it there and create some distance from the situation.
However, 3 days later I get a message from her boyfriend via facebook telling me they are going to Cornwall (100 miles away) for the day this week and they want to take Frank.
Due to all the above, Frank doesn't really know them and isn't relaxed in their company. They are the type to not keep to any routine with food, toilet stops or his short nap in the middle of the day and would just drag him around shops all day plying him with sweets and ice cream! I know my son well enough to know he would hate it and be quite upset by it.
I responded to the boyfriends message by declining the offer due to the distance and length of the day,but I also mentioned that they are welcome to come and see Frank and get more familiar with him over time.
Sorry for the long message. Am I being reasonable to say no to the Cornwall trip?

Quite right not to have your ds going on a holiday with them. Just say no and no excuses required.

Yanbu. Your response seems very fair.

I'm surprised you even need to ask tbh. Which bit of you thinks that it might be even slightly reasonable to fall in with this half-assed plan?

YANBU.

Of course, he's not even three. And given that her last message to you was to f* off I would expect an apology before any other arrangements - what vile behaviour.

Malcolm I hate the half assed plan but due to hormones my brain is as dizzy as its ever been and I'm questioning my response to most things!

I forgot to say that in the 3 days since replying to the boyfriends message I have received no response from either him or my sister. I feel they clearly don't want to get to know him and just view him as a toy for their amusement when they feel like it. Sad.

Oh thanks guys. It's not the first ridiculous request I've had from them. Some mums may say I should hand him over and take the break, or that I'm depriving them of time with my ds.

No I dont blame you declining, that kind of long trip should be reserved for people who know your DS and who he is comfortable with... AND who would meet his needs (doesn't sound like your DS would)

It all sounds a bit 'grand gesture', she has been pulled up on her lack of interest so has done this. Be prepared for her saying "well we offered etc"

I don't want to sound harsh but it sounds like you and your sister have a very fractious relationship and I think you might be wrong to see this as a rejection of your son as I think it has more to do with the relationship between the two of you than it does with her feelings about your son.

You don't really seem to sound as if you like each other very much or want to spend time together, or find spending time together very enjoyable or pleasant. It sounds to me like the broken meetings and lack of time spent with your son has more to do with the fact that when you spend time together it is stressful and difficult.

It sounds to me like if you want your son to have a relationship with his aunt it might be happier for everyone all round if this happens on outings with his aunty so you don't end up with the 3 of you in a stressful situation where you and your sister are tense and upset. It sounds like perhaps that is what your sister is trying to do albeit very clumsily.

A whole day out to Cornwall is too long though. Could you suggest that she perhaps visits to take him out to the park for an hour or two or something more manageable? That way she can spend some time with Frank and get to know him without you two feeling uncomfortable in each others company and it will give you a little break too.

YADNBU! tbh, even if they did see more of him, make more effort etc, I'd be very unhappy leaving my son in the care of someone who thinks it's perfectly ok to tell his mum to f off.

They sound horrid. Sorry, but you can't choose your relatives. Withdraw and detach.

Actually Bridget you assume wrong. When together we have a laugh and its not tense at all. There is a large age gap that meant we lacked closeness from an early age. My sister is intensely selfish and it takes resolve to overlook that.
My sister has been offered so so many opportunities to take him to soft play and the zoo etc. the reply I get is "I've been there and done that with my own kids, I'm not doing it again'. So you see, she has been given many chances and just rebuffed them.
My sister would have had opportunities for time on her own with Frank, but this recent episode (one of many) has led to my husband and I losing patience with the entire situation.

Trice, with another baby on the way and my priorities with my own lovely ds I have chosen the option to distance myself. You can't chose family!

I think you were unreasonable to be as reasonable as you were!

My message to him would have been "the last message I got from my sister was telling me to fuck off. What on earth makes you think you're getting anywhere near my child after that?"

I'mtoohecsy my reasonableness is born of the fact she is my only family left and I wanted her to be a part of my sons life. That all changed with last weeks fiasco. My patience has worn thin.

I don't bloody blame you. Mine would too.

Family is an accident of birth. DNA does not make family, sadly.

Absolutely don't let him go. I just couldn't be bothered with this level of unreliabililty. But she's family so I expect she thinks she has the right to get on your nerves for evermore. If she tries to make plans be vague and say you're not sure you will be at home that day. I wouldn't make arrangements to be constantly let down like this.

I don't know why you even need to ask-you can't consider sending a small DC off like that with unpredictable people that he doesn't know- even the way of asking was odd!

Don't worry exotic he definately won't be going. Oh and yes they are odd