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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit pissed off with DH

40 replies

Erimentha · 28/05/2013 00:47

i probably am BU but my DH has gone on a fancy dress night out for a friends birthday, before he left he told me he would be home by 1am. All fine, not got a problem with that at all.

Background -: I'm unwell at the minute and still feeling crappy, we are doing up our new house (less than 2 weeks until we move, still also need to pack up here) tomorrow he needs to be in a fit state to use machinery in order to progress with the renovations. Due to above mentioned move money is tight. I can't lock the door up properly as he wont be able to get in if i do, cant leave it open as we have had problems with one of our DC being able to open the basic locks and sneaking downstairs and out the door, so basically i cant go to bed until he is in.

Situation -: Have now received a couple of texts from him telling me one of the females in the group is dressed 'very kinkily' and that the outfit he is wearing is apparently a fantasy of hers. This is the same female he has admitted finding attractive and asked with 'no pressure' if i would consider a threesome with. Also he changed his mind about what time he was coming home, didn't bother to mention it until after the last train left decided to get a taxi home instead (which we cant really afford especially on top of his costume hire, drinks for the night and transport there.)

Maybe i am BU, but i tired, feel crap, and am stuck waiting up until he comes home which he cant give me an estimated time for. I cant even be extreme and sod him and lock him out as due to my disabilities i need him to be here for the children in the morning before my medication kicks in. Though if he is out till all hours and drinking god knows how much use he is actually going to be, both with the kids and doing the work that NEEDS to be done tomorrow. Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:

Original poster

Erimentha · 28/05/2013 11:06

Thank you for all your replies. Today I am tired and in pain, made worse by the late night. He came home in a taxi shortly after he sent the sulky text, came in and pretty much went straight up to bed, no sorry, or even thank you for waiting up for me.

He is 28, a mature student and I'm a bit fed up of the amount if times we have had the responsibilities conversation. As I said before in some ways he is wonderful, but it feels a lot of the time like family are just another chore on his list that he has to do before he can go and do what he wants to do. To me when you have a family they become the most important thing and have to come first, he thinks it depends on the situation. It is one of the biggest bones of contention between us.

If he had not told me about how kinky this other girl was and about her fantasy and had just come home when he said he would (at this point he would have be been out for almost 7 hours so its not like he was only out for an hour). Then all would have been well, instead he made me out to be the bad guy, came home in a strop, ruined his night, my night and probably made me sound like the evil wife ruining all his fun to his friends.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/05/2013 12:16

And this is a "wonderful" man, is it ?

I would hate to meet a bloke that you said was "crap"

StuffezLaYoni · 28/05/2013 12:18

It is so, so unfair of him to send you that bollocks. What reaction exactly was he hoping to get from you? Permission to shag her?? Permission to bring her home for the much-desired threesome? I bet twenty quid he won;t be in any way apologetic.

Original poster

Erimentha · 28/05/2013 12:41

No sign of an apology yet :(

I get myself so confused as to what is reasonable or not. He keeps telling me that what I expect from him is unreasonable so much that now I'm not sure if IABU or not over things. He is quite the golden child to his family which doesn't help, I get on well with them but I could never discuss these sort of things as it feels like in their eyes he could do no wrong. Maybe it is just me and I expect too much.

AnyFucker it would take me longer to list the things he does do than the things he doesn't, which is where I was coming from when saying in some ways he is wonderful, though when you tie that in to the feeling that yes he does it, but it always feels its because he has to not because he wants to.

OP posts:

StuffezLaYoni · 28/05/2013 12:47

If you do one thing today, find out what he was hoping to achieve by texting you about this woman. I think his response will tell you a lot about the respect he has for you.

Triumphoveradversity · 28/05/2013 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2013 12:49

Some things that he does or doesn't do, have the power to veto everything that is good about him

don't they ?

or is it anything goes as long as he fills the dishwasher occasionally ?

Nanny0gg · 28/05/2013 12:55

What AnyFucker said.

Beautifully summed up. There is nothing 'mature' about this man.

Pinkflipflop · 28/05/2013 13:13

If he's a mature student, does he work also?

Do you? Sorry if I missed where you said.

Pinkflipflop · 28/05/2013 13:18

And sorry but if he is a full time student, then boy is he behaving like one!

Out drinking and dressing up when you have lots going on at home is just weird. Not many people would find this acceptable so you are def def def NBU!

I would be talking to him and saying that either he takes his family responsibilities seriously or he's gets lost! Is this kind of behaviour typical?
He's a grown man with a family now not a student who is free to piss about!

What job will he have at the end of his studies?

TheFallenNinja · 28/05/2013 13:26

I thought threesomes were a bit 90's.

QuintessentialOldDear · 28/05/2013 13:28

You know Erimentha, when I read your op, I was so certain you were my friend, that I had a look at your other threads just to ascertain whether you are my friend or not. You are not, but your op is so similar to my friend, it is shocking. And to think there are two women out there, lumbered with men like this is really sad.

It is half term, and she has taken the kids off to a caravan holiday on her own, as he wanted to party with his friends, fellow immature students over the bank holiday weekend rather than be with his family. In her absence, he has used the bbq, and not put the cover back on so now it is raining down, together with all the seat pads, and blankets for their garden furniture. Does he bother?

But back to you. It seems to me that your dh is thoroughly focused on himself only, whether it regards his future studies/career, or childrens birthday cakes.
The question is, how much more selfishness will you put up with?

I suspect, like my friend, you can put up with quite a lot, due to your pain, and fear of the unknown and fear of raising children on your own when you know their dad is an immature unreliable sort of man.

missrlr · 28/05/2013 13:33

I think I would have called his bluff and replied:
"Glad you are thinking of me when you are looking at other women. Off to bed now, locking front door to keep DCs and I safe. Called me when you are 5 mins away as I will have to get up to let you in. Don't forget as don't want DCs woken. Keep thinking of me x x"

Then think: why exactly is it you want to be in this relationship in its current state given its history? (give you a clue, having kids is NOT the reason, it may be the cause but it is NOT the reason)
realistically he is telling you about these fantasies so consider it unlikely he will be acting on them without giving you a huge heads up first. However the fact he is bringing stuff like that up should tell you he is thinking of the relationship and perhaps not in loving terms. You could use this as a way in for the "we need to get on the same page, what are our goals" talk. You can't have the same conversation it doesn't work so change the conversation - with the same aim.

plan a night out yourself and tell him to stay in and look after DCs then go out and stay out til you want to come home .... or even better stay away somewhere for the night (good bed assumed and all that) what is good for the goose etc
Chin up and if he continues with the mind games start playing your own.

Original poster

Erimentha · 28/05/2013 13:38

Yes they are his dc's. because of my disability he is also my carer, the amount he does varies but at the minute he gets the dc's up, dressed, fed, dishes, hoovers, gets a load of washing on, cleans any dog poo out the garden so the dc can play out safely before going out. When he comes home he sometimes cooks, does the dishes and helps with bath and bedtime. When I'm not having a flare up he does less as I am able to do more. I say this to give you an idea of what he does do, balance out the the negative side.

He doesn't go out that much, hence why I was ok with the extra expense and the timing despite it being less than ideal. It was also the last night out before graduation. With the responsibility issue there are other things I have problems with, but posted in here for the AIBU for that situation rather than relationships to discuss it as a whole.

Job wise he wants to go on and do a part time MA and work part time.

I think I have answered all questions, sorry if I missed any.

OP posts:

Val007 · 28/05/2013 13:41

Really sad situation for you... :(

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