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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 'well, no one's complained' is not an excuse

26 replies

arabesque · 27/05/2013 21:53

Just following on from another thread about loud music being played in gardens, does anyone else get annoyed when someone tries to excuse inconsiderate behaviour by saying 'well, no one's complained'. Basically saying 'we'll do what we like and it's up to others to become 'the complainer' if they want us to stop'.

A lot of people hate confrontation and will put up with a lot of loud music, barking dogs etc rather than call around to complain and risk being told to get lost or being labelled a 'victor meldrew' or whatever.

If you know, in your heart and soul, that you're probably annoying the neighbours, then STOP. Don't put the onus on them to confront you and feel like the awkward one.

OP posts:
SantanaLopez · 27/05/2013 21:55

YES.

Also in wedding threads. No one has complained to your face because they're too polite.

ApocalypseThen · 27/05/2013 21:55

Oh indeed. Particularly, as in the venn diagram of behaviours, there's a strong overlap between being selfish and inconsiderate, and being rude and unapproachable. So people are put off challenging selfish, inconsiderate people for fear of the possible reaction.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 27/05/2013 21:59

Yup. A manager in a shop said this to me when I complained about something. I'm not sure what part of me standing their complaining = no one's complained...Hmm

HandMini · 27/05/2013 22:00

Agree. It's rare for a loud music offender to be truly unaware of the din they're inflicting on others. They know and don't give a fuck, sometimes backed up by an aggressive "I'll do what I like" attitude. I once asked some neighbours to keep it down and got screamed at "it's a fucking birthday party you bitch". Stopped being a complainer after that, as it upset me more than I expected.

maddening · 27/05/2013 22:05

I also hate the "well if you want peace and quiet go and live in the middle of nowhere" remarks - as equally "if you want to make as much noise as you like go and live where you have no neighbours" would work :)

OnwardBound · 27/05/2013 22:10

Oh yes I HATE this!

You get this sort of response from some companies. You take the time to ring them to let them know about an issue or problem you've had with their product or service... and some snippy customer service rep tells you they think you are nuts and making the whole problem up "Oh that's very odd, we've never had anyone ever complain about this before!"

And then they condescendingly offer you a "good will gesture", ie some vouchers for your next shop with shitty company Hmm

The phrase "good will gesture" also fucks me off. It is so patently fobbing the irritating nutty customer off and simultaneously saying that their company is so decent and faultless that they will even appease such outrageous demands.

No, I don't want a fucking "good will gesture". I want your company to take responsibility for your shoddy product or service, I want you to be interested in what I am telling you and use it to better yourselves and then I want you to make it up to me, for my wasted time, money and disappointment.

Yes I'm talking to you BT, Tesco, Barclays....!!!

OnwardBound · 27/05/2013 22:13

Sorry, OP. I know your post was about neighbours and loud music...

Just thought I'd jump on my soapbox re bad customer service.

I guess I really am a bit nutty, irritating and unreasonable after all...

EglantinePrice · 27/05/2013 22:21

YANBU.

Yes the attitude "no ones said anything" is vile.

Knowing full well that someone alone, or elderly or lacking in confidence may well not complain.

TotallyBursar · 27/05/2013 22:32

I do agree with you but (there is always one, sorry!)
We used to live in a terrace and had dc, we lived next to neighbours that did not.
Sometimes I found it really hard to judge what they might be able to hear, when it might be at a level that was annoying etc (like how loud does ds sound next door at 2am?) because I had no way to judge. I was never in their house and they never made comparable noise. Pitch being a big concern.

We tried to live considerately but in some cases I wouldn't have gone round to see if it was an issue (again 2am) and did think 'well, they haven't complained' so I didn't get too stressed about it.
Usual things I did ask if we disturbed them but unusual things I just had to wait for a complaint & hope for the best.

Other neighbours were just rude & used it in a pejorative way in order to attempt to brow beat you into allowing them to continue doing exactly as they wish & not be a po.

gwenniebee · 27/05/2013 22:36

YANBU, it always makes me want to shout rather loudly, "Well, I am!!!"

Ilikethebreeze · 27/05/2013 22:46

I think the reply needs to be "Well, me and others need to do it more often in that case".

HibiscusIsland · 27/05/2013 22:52

Yes I hate it when companies do this too. Have had this a couple of times. I once took a box of bulbs back to a shop as...there were no bulbs in the packet, just a bit of earth. "No one else has complained."
"Oh OK then, that's ok, i'll go back home with my packet of earth if no one else has complained."

dreamingbohemian · 27/05/2013 22:52

YANBU

This drives me bonkers

Just be honest and say you don't give a shit about anyone. You can't possibly think that no one is bothered when you're blasting music at 3 AM.

HibiscusIsland · 27/05/2013 22:54

No one else has complained = You must be unreasonable and a bit of a nutter to complain about it. Very rude and unreasonable.

HorryIsUpduffed · 28/05/2013 15:24

"I've complained" or "Yes, somebody has to be first."

Shit excuse.

Souredstones · 28/05/2013 15:55

Yabu as this thread is about me.

As I said at the time we are on good terms with the neighbours and if it bothered them they could say at any time we would have no problems with them talking to us. No confrontation required

ValentineWiggins · 28/05/2013 16:01

I always like the "no we can't do" whatever you are asking for "because people will complain"...no we can't change the music playing in the gym even when you are the only person there because people will complain. Why are their hypothetical complaints more important than my real one???

Ilikethebreeze · 28/05/2013 16:12

But Souredstones, can you appreciate that some people do not like to make a fuss, even though they are upset?
My mum for one?
[havent read your thread, or the thread you are on]

tb · 28/05/2013 17:12

It's as bad as the one "there's no demand for x,y,z" when you've just rung customer 'service' to ask for something.

I always feel like asking, what part of my call asking for x,y,z doesn't amount to a demand for it. I mean Hmm - makes me feel as if I live in some sort of red dwarf parallel universe, or something.

retroelle · 28/05/2013 17:39

Our loud neighbours told us "no-one else has ever complained" every time we tried to talk to them about the noise. When we eventually phoned the council (after months of loud music and shouting at all times of day and night, parties every few weeks, etc.) there turned out to have been multiple other complaints from other neighbours.

They still seem to think that we are the unreasonable ones.

AnnaRack · 28/05/2013 17:47

Ynbu. Drives me nuts. Try answering back,
"How many complaints do you need before you DO something?"
"So I'm the first one? Do I get a prize?"

loofet · 28/05/2013 17:57

Depends what you're wanting to complain about tbh. Some people do complain over the slightest, most infantile things which I think is unreasonable. For example if the neighbours, who are usually very quiet, make some noise doing D.I.Y for the first time in the afternoon and you go complain then that's VU.

If it's persistent noise such as constant parties, loud music, dog always barking in the early hours and disturbing sleep, D.I.Y late at night etc. then you have a right to complain and should. A one off- no, persistent- yes. Also I think some people might not be aware without someone complaining just how noisy they are, so it could come as a shock when the first person does complain and they might just think 'well nobody else has an issue with it so you must just have a bee in your bonnet' sort of thing.

Our ndn's haven't complained directly to our faces because they know they haven't got a leg to stand on. After nearly 2 years of us living here when we've always been friendly to one another, they've even praised us on how good our DC must be because they never hear them etc. They suddenly decided to bang on the wall when our then 4 month old was crying. It was 6.30 p.m so hardly late at night or early in the morning. A baby crying is NEVER a reason to do something so rude like that, or even complain imo. It's hardly like we were partying till all hours! And from then on (almost 6 months on now!) they blank us, cross the road to avoid us and let their dog make lots of noise whereas before they'd have tried to stop it. They also decided to do loads of drilling and hammering from Boxing day onwards only on our side (terraced house) Angry I wouldn't mind but they're middle aged, not childish teens! And the noise is muffled through the walls anyway. I've been so conscious ever since though, everytime she cries I feel like I have to instantly stop her. They've never said anything! Just blank us and won't leave their back door until we've left our back yard! Pathetic.

Sorry, just had to get that rant out Grin Feel better now.

MrsEricBana · 28/05/2013 18:02

I 100% agree with you OP. I do not like to complain to noisy students behind us BUT surely they must realise that standing smoking and talking and playing music in their garden a few feet from our house is disruptive without me having to point it out.

Original poster
arabesque · 28/05/2013 18:17

Glad most people agree with me. I really hate it when people put the onus on someone else to stop them doing something and assume a lack of overt complaining is a green light to go ahead playing loud music; leaving the dog out barking at night; constantly parking right outside a neighbour's house instead of their own etc etc

OP posts:
Souredstones · 28/05/2013 18:21

We don't play loud music all the time but we do play music in the garden in the summer, the music we play is rock/metal (mellow end of the spectrum of both we don't have a mosh pit in the garden!) we talk to the neighbours (all 6 who edge onto our garden) general chit cht through the summer over the fences and at no point have we had a negative remark about it.

We talk to our direct neighbours (semi detached) daily and notify each other if any heavy duty noise is going to happen and are very considerate neighbours.

I think some people just like to be upset without having due course to be upset. Obviously if there was a complaint we'd act on it, we're not idiots.