To be unsure about wanting my own child?

[Veryunsure]

I've name changed for this one, I am married to a a wonderful man, great relationship. He has a child from a previous relationship (not ExW)

We have a good life and can afford to do some nice things because of our combined income. Should we choose to have our own child I don't have the kind of job I could return to or get any extra pay. So I would need to give up work completely until such time baby is old enough for me to look for another job which I will need to if we are living only on dh income.

There are 2 main reasons for me being very hesitant, 1 my work and 2 because although I do greatly love my dsd and we share care so 50/50 I find being unable to do things with dh when dsd is with us quite difficult.

I must say here, I am not a wicked stepmother and the relationship my husband has with his child is paramount, I have never asked to change dates of access nor leave her out she is part of our family. We both work around the times we don't have her to do the things we like if possible.

If we had our own it would be 24/7 and I do believe that when you have a child it is your responsibility to give him/her the best start in life (not money oriented) I am sure every parent wants this for their children.

Why then do I feel so resistant to having our own? I am concerned about not having a life, at least the life I have been accustomed to. I am told over and over it's different when it's your own and you will enjoy the life change because of them.

DH is not desperate to have another and is very easy about having or not having our own.

I know a lot of mums on here will say how worth it it is and how it's hard work, maybe the hard work puts me off. Having known dsd since very young now preteen I am under no illusion of just how difficult it can be.

I just don't know if i'm ready, or if indeed I ever will be! AIBU or just plain selfish?!

There are things I desperately miss from my life pre dc: a full nights sleep (cliche but true, DS is a sleep fighter), time to myself, career progression, child free holidays, being able to go out at the drop of a hat without having to sort child care etc. However, I was desperately broody and DS is worth the sacrifice.

If I hadn't have been so desperate for a child, maybe I would be more resentful of giving up those things. And no child deserves resentment (not that you would).

If you don't want one, don't have one. I know a number of couples who live very happy child free existences. Horses for courses.

God, I need to buy a thesaurus, didn't realise I was such a 'desperate' person!

One of the reasons I fell in love with dh was his commitment to his daughter, that he wasn't an EOW dad as some feel is all that is necessary. His love and devotion to her and her wellbeing shows me what a lovely dad he is and I know if we had our own he would be just as good.

DSD does ask me frequently if she can have a sibling and I tell her that I would prefer she was my no 1, (is that wrong to say that to her? There's not a lot of love from her BM so I hope that's not treading on toes!) anyway this seems to be all she needs to hear before running off to bollock give her dolls some stick!

DH is open to having a child together and is just as happy not to, I feel from getting it down in writing I am not ready, nor do I feel I will ever be ready to have a mini me.

fluckered Thank you for the lovely compliment :)

Very

That is a great thing to say to her. All children need to hear that

OP I'm curious to know how old you are? I agree you sound like a great step-mum.

I have to say even though I always wanted children and had a long, trying journey to get DD (now 6 weeks) the early days have been tough. If I hadn't really, really wanted her I'd have struggled. Day by day it gets better though.

I agree I wouldn't rush into it if it doesn't feel right at the moment.

HadALittleFaithBaby I'm 36, congratulations on your new addition!

I didn't decide I wanted kids until early 30s. I wasn't sure it was for me, and never had a strong tug. I never had any negative comments or friends telling me I was incomplete. It's no one else's decision. You can't afford to think about anyone else - just you and DH.

Oh, and try not to think of your child as an individual, not a mini you/DH.

I totally get you.
I spent years of my life yearning, having a physical ache in me to have a baby. I finally felt ready to have one and to be honest it has been the hardest time of my life. I would never change things now she is here and one smile from her and all my troubles melt away etc etc etc, but I would say to someone that hasn;t got that urge to have their own kid, DONT DO IT!!
I am sat here now listening to my screaming crying child who is upstairs with daddy not going to sleep. I have regular moments when I miss my old life so much I sit and cry and wish I could have time to myself and be sickeningly in love with my partner like we used to be before we became sleep deprived, stressed out, money troubled, ships in the night that pass the baby over the threshold for one of us to go to work and the other stay home.
He already had a little boy who is 12 now. I personally couldn't go through life without becoming a biological parent. But don't let society pressure you into something you just don't feel a need for.
If you ever do, borrow mine for a few days!!!