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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel unwelcome because of this damn diet?

56 replies

StupidDiet · 26/05/2013 08:54

Background: I started a diet to help control endometriosis about 3 months ago, it seems to be helping a lot (well, until this month anyway) but is quite restrictive. At the moment I am essentially on a gluten-free vegan diet, with reduced refined sugar. I tried relaxing it over the last month or so but the pain, discomfort and bloating returned with a vengeance so I am back to being strict with it and then will introduce things gradually again in another couple of months. It's getting to me a bit - I have some amazing recipes, but it does make things harder especially as I have been suffering with pain again recently.

Anyway, we are down at my in-laws at the moment, and when this all started MIL (with whom I generally get on well) was lovely and read up on it a lot (and because the "resident expert" - which is a whole other thread....).

This time, I brought some stuff - I am getting into the habit of doing that - but the first meals she made were ham and cheese sandwiches for late lunch, and a dinner of spag Bol with bread and a vienetta for pudding. So basically apart from the salad and a few grapes there was no part of them that I could eat. (My mother makes sure there's always a dish in the meal that I can have, and she gets these lovely gluten-free tarts for me).

I know I am feeling touchy about all this at the moment - I hate having to think about what I eat as I never have before, and I hate causing an issue over this, but AIBU to feel a bit put out that there has been no thought for me? I probably am, I know that, and I also know that I've been a bit obsessive over it (it did help that it was working up till this month....it's amazing what an incentive pain reduction can be!). I don't expect everyone else to be as focused on it as I am - I just can't help feeling a bit Confused about it!

Please tell me to get a grip!

OP posts:
KirjavaTheCat · 26/05/2013 08:58

Nope, I'm with you. It's basic manners to provide appropriate food for any dietary requirements your guests have. I'd have thought it would have been easier to understand given that your reasoning for being vegan is based on your health!

Really rude, and dismissive of your health. Yanbu.

Greenandcabbagelooking · 26/05/2013 09:01

In all honesty, I think with that level of restriction, you should think as if you won't be able to eat anything at MIL's, and bring all your own food.

I would find it very hard to cook for you, but would be happy to provide salad/rice etc to go with whatever "main" thing you bought.

PoppyWearer · 26/05/2013 09:02

YANBU. I come from a family with quite complex food requirements and it's a bit of a pain to cater for everyone but I don't want anyone to be in discomfort/actual physical pain due to the food we serve, so we cater for all.

My DSis and her OH have a lot of special requirements between them and have got into the habit of taking basics with them wherever they stay, cereal, special bread, etc, so they know they always have something to eat if all else fails.

I hope you feel better soon, OP.

Gentleness · 26/05/2013 09:03

She's been thoughtless at best which is actually more upsetting than it being deliberate. Is your own food enough for you to get by on today?

Bluebell99 · 26/05/2013 09:05

I think you need to provide your own food. I don't think it's reasonable for everyone to have a vegan gluten free diet while you are staying. I used to be vegetarian and my mil wld go to alot of trouble, but it is alot to ask. I Think my own mum would just buy simething veggie from m and s. If she is going shopping for your stay ,you could suggest something she could buy?

HollyBerryBush · 26/05/2013 09:05

Is gluten free comparable price wise?

I'm just going on the back of a dinner party conversation with a colleague, who doesn't mind catering for the one with coeliac BUT he is horrified at the difference in food pricing.

So if you are following a diet which is prohibitively more expensive than run of the mill staples, then YABabitU

SweetHoneyBeeeeee · 26/05/2013 09:06

Yanbu. Fussy people are incredibly annoying. People with legitimate dietary requirements are not. I have a tolerance of about 3 foods per person that I will avoid due to their preference, after that I stop pandering. However I do have friends with ibs / allergies / religious beliefs and these are always considered and catered for without fail. Anything else is plain rude. If you feel able can you discuss menus beforehand and raise concerns? If not, get your dh to do it.

GenghisCanDoHisOwnWashing · 26/05/2013 09:09

Tbh I would struggle to know what I could cook for you on that diet too. HOWEVER I would head to the 'free from' bit of the supermarket as a starting point and if I had no luck there I'd ring you and say, what can I cook for you? (At which point you would make some helpful suggestions - don't be that annoying person who says, oh don't worry about me, I can just pick, it's not helpful, give me specifics!!)

So essentially YANBU about your MIL's behaviour but offering a little help for those who don't know how to cook food that suits the diet would be helpful as presumably it's taken you a while to adjust to it too.
I'm really glad it's helping with the endometriosis, my friend had the same condition and it was miserable.

attilascupcakes · 26/05/2013 09:11

Its so tricky. I feel for you, but it must be a pain in the arse for the people cooking for you.

LokiTheCynicalCat · 26/05/2013 09:13

I think YAB a bit U. Your diet is pretty restrictive and cuts out a lot of the components of "normal" meals, that most people have in their cupboards. It is a lot to ask someone to research, shop for and create a meal for guests that caters to one specific but very restricted diet. If it were just vegetarian it would be easy, or just gluten-free, but there are a lot of elements that are just basic foodstuffs for many people.

I'm really glad it is working so well for you, and definitely a strong incentive to keep going! However, it's a sad fact but pain that nobody else can see doesn't help them to understand that you can't really make do, or give it a break, just this once. You MIL probably doesn't realise the extent that a slip up would cost you. And no one else will, either, unless they live with you and see the pain it gives you later or the next day.

I'm afraid it is really up to you to look out for your own health and wellbeing. Bring your own food wherever you go for as long as you need to, and anything you are served that falls within your bounds is a bonus.

DoctorRobert · 26/05/2013 09:14

I think YABU, sorry.

A gluten-free vegan diet, with reduced refined sugar - I wouldn't know where to start! It's not like just being vegetarian or having a nut allergy and expecting a host to accomodate.

I would take my own food on such a restrictive diet.

DontmindifIdo · 26/05/2013 09:19

take your own food.

FarBetterNow · 26/05/2013 09:20

OP: Can you eat baked potatoes?

They are always a quick an easy alternative that don't require any time to prepare.
Maybe you need your DH's assistance when at your MILs.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/05/2013 09:22

I wonder if the level of restriction hasn't really sunk in for your MIL? I have a friend who decided to become vegetarian and, when asked what she was going to have for lunch, she said 'scotch eggs' (the normal kind).

I don't know what your diet entails. As I was reading your posts I was running through recipes in my head, wondering if they'd be alright for you. Could you perhaps give your MIL some receipes that she could make for you? Also, tell her what snacks you eat - especially ready to eat ones, so that she can get some of those in for you?

I'm sure she wants to be hospitable, you say she's lovely - help her with this and actually, not just your MIL, the rest of your DH's family too.

Mimishimi · 26/05/2013 09:25

My husband is on an SCD (Specific Carboydrate Diet) diet due to colitis. We've found it's the one thing that makes all hs symptoms virtually disappear. We take food for him to others places though, we don't expect them to cut out nearly all carbohydrates from their meals.

MidniteScribbler · 26/05/2013 09:25

Gosh that is pretty restrictive. I'd like to think I would give it a go, but I'd be stressing the whole time about making sure there was no cross-contamination or that I missed something. I'm sure it's the fact that she hasn't even tried that has upset you. If she tried, but made a mistake I'm sure you wouldn't feel so upset.

I have friends with some pretty restrictive requirements and they all make sure they take along something that they can definitely eat to contribute to the meal. That way they know they at least have something.

Original poster
StupidDiet · 26/05/2013 09:33

Thanks all - I thought I was probably being unreasonable, and have given myself a bit of a talking to....

I certainly don't expect everyone to follow my diet, at all - my family certainy don't! I end up cooking something vegetarian but with meat to add to dh's, for example. I suppose I'd thought that she might do something like my mother does, such as a side dish that I can eat (she makes a lovely ratatouille!) or just the same as everyone else without the meat. She's fairly careful about things like dairy anyway, for her own health, and her sister is gluten free. I did/do bring stuff, and yes, it tends to be a little more expensive so I really don't expect a full meal provided separately by her each and every time. I suppose I was a bit sad that there was nothing at all....but I am probably hormonal and certainly tired, so will deal with it!

Thank you for your replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
StupidDiet · 26/05/2013 09:34

I am lucky in that it is more a trigger for symptoms rather than an allergy, so cross-contamination is not really a worry. It's just larger amounts of something that sparks it all (need to find what that is so I can relax a bit!).

OP posts:
ppeatfruit · 26/05/2013 09:37

I am on a specific weird diet I'm a demi vegan who doesn't eat wheat or deadly nightshade vegetables (well most people think it's weird but it's because I want to AVOID bad health; there is a lot cancer and bad hearts in my family) so when staying with people I will take food like rice pasta and dips that i've made with cannellini or aduki , beans also my own soya or rice milk.

It's probably the best way to go (i haunt the Health Food shops Grin) they're doing nicer and nicer GF stuff now!

ppeatfruit · 26/05/2013 09:39

So many people don't give a shit about their diets and their health congratulations for not just giving up and living at the doctors. Grin

SanityClause · 26/05/2013 09:48

Two of my DC have to follow a similar diet, although they are allowed meat, the other should avoid eggs, pork, coconut and soy. DH should avoid yeast, dairy, eggs, cashews, chili, black currant and barley.

So, when we do to PIL's, we take alternatives. I make a suitable pudding to take, and we take biscuits, gluten free bread, breakfast cereal, rice and soy milk, etc.

Perhaps if you start to take some bits along, she will get the idea, and start making sure she has something suitable for you? (Although, not if she's like MIL, who has struggled with digestive problems all her life, but thinks they can all be sorted by drinking a small glass of whisky with warm water and sugar before you go to bed Confused . She does try, though. When she had cooked sausages for breakfast, and DD2 couldn't have them, she suggested bacon, before her face fell, when she realised that was pork, as well.........)

Llanbobl · 26/05/2013 09:52

ppeatfruit sums up perfectly why people Hmm at those on restricted diets.
It's nightshade vegetables. Deadly nightshade is an indelible and poisonous weed - it is part of the solanacea family like tomatoes, peppers, aubergines etc but it is very different.

Hope the OP isn't going too hungry

thefuturesnotourstosee · 26/05/2013 10:11

OP other than rice and potato I'm not sure I'd know where start. This would be my meal plan but I doubt it would be very good

Night one soya cheese, baked potatoes, baked beans
night 2 chickpea and tomato curry rice salad
night 3 quorn fillets chips and peas (wuld need to check quorn is vegan)
night 4 gluten free pasta, tomato based sauce, soya cheese, salad
night 5 mixed bean soup

aftet that I'd be very stuck!

Flobbadobs · 26/05/2013 10:19

I would be stuck catering for such a restrictive diet but if you were staying with me I would be asking for a list of things you can eat!
I know your MIL has been doing some reading but it sounds like she doesn't quite get the diet aspect, maybe a bit of a moan about how restrictive your diet is at the moment and how you genuinely can't eat certain things without a big flair up may get the point across?

specialsubject · 26/05/2013 10:19

I've no tolerance for those who are dieting to lose weight, as it doesn't work - if you are at my house just eat less, I serve a good balance of food anyway.

your position is different and I would be happy to help. As your menu is very restricted, if you were my guest I would like you to warn me beforehand, give me some meal ideas and bring your own ingredients. Then I could help you.