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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have got so suddenly cross with my bff?

52 replies

KissMyShinyMetalAss · 25/05/2013 19:39

Because now he's not talking to me and Im not sure what to do.

Ok, gay male bff has been my very best friend for the last 15 years.

Meets have been a little sparce since baby 2 came along because of difficulties since then. He is 2 now.

Things have calmed down a little so text and arranged to see him in his town, in a pub near to where he lived. (When things got tough my end, he'd come to mine ever few months), we live about 30 mins drive from one another.

Ok, so I arrange with him last week to meet this afternoon. I tell DP that the kids miss XXXX so will take them with me, be a day out. DP arranges work for the afternoon.

Come the morning, I tell my eldest, we're going on a train, we're going to Brighton, we're seeing, xxxx.

He's beside himself excited and so am I.

I get a text from bff at 11am saying "Sorry, I cant make today, I went out last night, dont know where I was, where I went, but I need to go back go bed, dont hate me!"

I had a knee jerk reaction reply which said

"Are you fucking kidding me? Thanks a fucking bunch."

His reply was "Wow. Really? Thats your reply?"

I said "Yes thats my reply. It takes me weeks and weeks to get any freedom, to get out, to have any kind if life whatsoever, and when I finally do, you stitch me up because you've had one to many jars last night? Thanks so much."

He doest reply.

I text back at midday "Ok Im sorry for the outburst, but me and the kds were looking forward to the meet and xxxx is gutted because he though he was seeing you (ds1) and now we have broken plans. But never mind, onwards and upwards. X"

Silence.

I text at 6.30pm and said "silence? Really! Thats you response?" And ive had nothing.

Yes yes yes its childish, pointing it out wont help me.

Have I fucked this up? Am I allowed to be angry? Or not? Wwyd?

OP posts:
Wishiwasanheiress · 25/05/2013 20:01

He's ur BFF and this is all just on txt? Really? Seriously, ur friendship jhas changed my luv, accept it and move on.

Dannilion · 25/05/2013 20:05

To play devils advocate, he probably has no idea how difficult it is to get out the house with 2 kids, and how no idea how many emotions you had invested in meeting him today. To be honest, before i had kids if I cancelled on a mate because I was hungover and they flew off the handle like that I would certainly be like 'wtf'.

Also, your ridiculous comment about Brighton being some terrible place you can't take kids on your own is just that, ridiculous. I'm from Brighton, my mother managed to raise 4 of us here and no-one died. I also manage to go to town with my own kids. Brighton is much more child friendly than most cities.

Original poster
KissMyShinyMetalAss · 25/05/2013 20:06

Ive lived many years in brighton with kids, and would be fucked if I went into town with them on. Saturday.

If you all love doing that, then so be it.

But its my worst nightmare.

Brighton to someones house, yes. Brighton on a weekend with a toddler and an excitable elder children, no. Fucking. Way.

OP posts:
oldendaysending · 25/05/2013 20:09

point taken Kiss - BUT the OP said her eldest was disappointed because they thought they were "going on a train, going to Brighton, going to see X."

Out of the three they could still have done two - like I say I don't know Brighton so I am probably talking out of my arse, but it didn't have to be a disaster Grin

I've probably got used to hauling two kids around all over the place on my own, though!

saintmerryweather · 25/05/2013 20:09

you were way out of line for your text, id ignore you too

Dannilion · 25/05/2013 20:15

Well then the city itself is a red herring. There are plenty of places you could have taken your children outside of Churchill square and you know this.

If you struggle going to crowded places with both of your children perhaps in future you could just arrange to take one, or neither. Than way it won't be such a catastrophe if plans are changed and there aren't two adults around. I can imagine it must have been pretty upsetting to have to let your eldest down.

Alisvolatpropiis · 25/05/2013 20:16

Ywbu to text him that. He doesn't have kids,he doesn't know how big a deal it is for you. I don't have kids,nor do most of my close friends. Being hungover is an acceptable reason to cancel plans. Gives me insight into why those with children flip out about it though.

ZillionChocolate · 25/05/2013 20:16

I can see why you were pissed off. Wouldn't have been so bad if he'd pushed you back an hour for an extended nap. I don't really understand the Brighton drama, I know it's busy on a Saturday, but I don't think it's that bad, but I don't know your family dynamics. A text argument with a drunk/hungover person is a bad idea. Call him tomorrow and sort this out. Apologise for swearing and explain why it's a big deal.

AThingInYourLife · 25/05/2013 20:20

I think you really fucked this one up.

Your life has changed.

You've basically as good as ditched him for 2 years, and he's stuck it out and made the extra effort to see you.

Then he needs to bail on one plan, your supposed best friend that you should always be on their side, and not only do you give him a bollocking instead of letting it go, but you try to pile on extra guilt because of your children being disappointed.

The correct response to his text cancelling your day was

"You big gobshite! Hope you are OK after all that? A bit worried and gutted to miss you today :( Give me a call when you feel up to it and fill me in xxx"

youmeatsix · 25/05/2013 20:20

will someone PLEASE tell us all what happens on a Saturday in Brighton?? we want to know now Grin

CaptainSweatPants · 25/05/2013 20:21

Maybe he just wanted to see you & not your kids too

Crunchymunchyhoneycakes · 25/05/2013 20:23

I'm still flabbergasted at the use of BFF.

LindyHemming · 25/05/2013 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoTiredAgain · 25/05/2013 20:30

Brighton on a Saturday is busy but so is every other major town/city, tbf.

Give the guy a break, it's not like he does it every time he sees you and sounds like he's been put on a bit of a back burner anyway. Your reaction to his message was ott and laying on the guilt was not cool.

Just pick the damn phone and call him in a few days. Sheesh.

MalcolmTuckersMum · 25/05/2013 20:47

Maybe it would be easier if the OP told us the name of a place that wasn't busy on a Saturday? I dunno - - the furthest corner of the Isle of Benbecula maybe?

livinginwonderland · 25/05/2013 21:00

you're both being unreasonable.

yes, it's shitty to cancel on someone because you're hungover, but if you don't have kids, it's more "acceptable". i've lost count of the number of times i've cancelled plans/had plans cancelled due to hangovers. it's normal when you don't have the responsibility of kids and you don't understand the impact it can have on other people.

however, swearing at him and getting arsey is hardly going to solve anything. it's just going to piss him off. give it a day or so and apologise, then rearrange your plans. you could also have taken your DC into brighton instead of cancelling the entire trip.

UniqueAndAmazing · 25/05/2013 21:05

sittingbourne is not busy on a Saturday.
seriously.

CombineBananaFister · 25/05/2013 21:06

So you do have different lifestyles and maybe he doesn't understand about trying to arrange things with kids or maybe as someone posted earlier he doesn't want to see your kids, just you.

BUT, to me, hangover is NOT an okay reason to cancel - be late, have to go for 5 coffees but grin and bear it and suck it up. Do not be stroppy if you're called out on it.

Arrange a different day if it was ever going to be an issue - it's inconsiderate. Having said that if he really is your 'bff' as you put it and wasn't just one pre-kids (some relationships are like this before anyone flames me) try and talk not txt but I don't think you need to apologize as such just talk.

freddy05 · 25/05/2013 21:06

I'm not sure that if my friend sent me a text saying 'I went out last night, dont know where I was, where I went,' that I wouldn't be worried about them rather than being cross they were cancelling on me.

Does he often drink so much he has no clue what's going on?

MalcolmTuckersMum · 25/05/2013 21:07

Oh Sittingbourne - I spent a lot of my childhood there. My great uncle was the Vicar at Doddington. Happy memories. It wasn't busy then either Grin

AThingInYourLife · 25/05/2013 21:10

That's what struck me, Freddy.

OP just gave him shit, didn't even check he was OK after what sounds like quite a scary experience.

Sparklypinknails · 25/05/2013 21:19

Cor, you're a bit stalky! He was probably still sleeping off the hangover when you sent the last few texts. Imagine waking up to that! Like a friend version of a bunny boiler moment.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 25/05/2013 21:20

I think hwb for cancelling, but ywb for going off like that. It sounds like he has had to put up with your innatentiveness while breeding, and never went off at you.
And I took ds to Brighton on my own when he was two. ( i realise there us only one of him, but he is a handful)on a Saturday and everything. There is a giant paddling pool, a beach, fish and chips and ice cream. You should have just said " you cock. Hope you are ok. We will be in town anyway, so if your hangover feels better then call me later".

JeeanieYuss · 25/05/2013 21:27

He's probably asleep!
Naughty though to let you down.

Iwantmybed · 25/05/2013 21:46

This is exactly why my ex BFF don't talk anymore OP. He couldn't handle me not being available at the drop of a hat for his drama and when we did arrange meetings he'd cancel at the last minute.

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