To think DSS is now old enough to decide if he wants to see his mum or not?

[Duckingpanels]

Long post but dont want to drip feed.

My DSS is just 10.

I've been with DH 8 years, DSS has always lived exclusively with us. DH has full residency order, custody. DSS mum has been allowed contact visits with DSS, once a week for an hour. This has always been supervised by her parents (DSS grandparents). This is because she has substance abuse history with MH issues, SS reccomended she be supervised.

Basically, she hasn't been interested in a long time. There has never been any regularity to her visits, there will be a spell when she comes every week for maybe 3 weeks, then nothing for a year and so on. DH always thought it was important that she be allowed acess so DSS didn't feel he was preventing her seeing him. In June it will be 18months since she made a visit, or any attempt at contact. DSS has never really expressed any opinions/mentioned it to any one that he feels upset by this, and TBH he has never really had any sort of relationship with her. We get along very well with her parents and brother, so DSS still sees them and his cousins regularly.

DSS mum rang her mum yesterday to say she would be coming on Saturday evening to see DSS. (He's off for his tea). DSS doesn't want to see her. He told my DD that Im his mum and she's horrible to him when she does come and never wants to look at his 'models' (avid crafter!!). He says he gets confused because he doesnt know what to call her. He's getting to an age where he doesn't want to spend all afternoon hanging around with his GPs on the off chance she feels like showing her face, he wants to go to parties or play out with his mates.

AIBU (and DH) in saying, actually enough is enough and she gave up her rights to see him by showing up so infrequently for pretty much all his life? If she could commit to even half an hour a week in the hope she may be able to have some sort of relationship, it would be different. But I hate to see DSS in this kind of limbo state.

Are you sure he's not saying that so he doesn't upset you?

Sorry, not saying what?

Is the contact in a Court Order?

get him to speak to his grandparents. Surely he only needs to go to theirs if she;s actually coming?

Nope. As she didn't ask for any contact agreements to be made, didn't come to court. Just a rec from SS that if contact were to be agreed by DH that it was supervised.

I think at 10, he is still too young to take that kind of responsibility but there will come a point in the next 3 or 4 years where you can back off and let him choose what to do.

It must be awful for all of you.

davey yes but we don't usually get notice IYSWIM, she just turns up. So we never know?

My son decided about his Dad at 11 years old, I was advised he was old enough and he didn't want an ad-hoc Dad popping in and out when he chose. SS backed this up so he doesn't see him at all.

I guess it depends what trouble she would cause i.e court etc

Op. You and your dh know this child better than anyone. I would sit down with him and ask him exactly what he wants. I agree that at the age of 10 he can decide if he wants to see this stranger or not.
Good luck.

Maybe if you set a time for him to go to his GP's and also set a pick up time to go and fetch him, if she turns up or not he will have had his tea with the GP's or doesn't he want to see them either?
At 10 I used to decide if I went to see my Dad or not. I got myself over to him though, I went on the bus, visited his Mum had some tea and if I saw him for an hour that was it, if not I had a nice tea with his Mum.

Disclaimer: I have no actual experience of these things.

If he is saying he doesn't want to see her I would let him skip the Saturday arrangement. Given her unreliability it seems a bit hard to make him be available and hang around for her. You could then follow up with her to see if there is any chance being turned down for once has woken her up to the prospect of losing contact. Unless she seems likely to improve it may be time to let things lapse.

It must be really upsetting to have to go and wait and then feel rejected again when she doesn't come.

I don't know anything about these things either, but 18 effing months? I would tell her to sling her bloody hook if I was the dad, or the ds for that matter. Not even any explanation or apology? How on earth is your poor dss supposed to feel. YANBU.

When I read the title and read that your dss is just ten, I was ready to say no, he is not old enough. But then I read the rest, and I feel for you and your family.

When I was about that age and older I sometimes said I didn't want to see my Dad, but he was a good Dad, so my Mum made me, and looking back I'm glad she did. This situation is different thought because this women has caused actual hurt to your dss, and it's understandable that he doesn't want to feel that.

Can you get someone else to talk to him about it to work out if he genuinely doesn't want to see her, or if it's more that he doesn't want to feel bad after a visit? Is there a school councellor or anyone like that?

I think I would gently encourage him to see her, but accept it if he says no and can give a reason. Make sure he knows that he can change his mind (providing his excuse for a mother is still willing).

He does want to see his GPS, he loves them to bits and they are wonderful people. They treat my DC like their own, too. I think DSS doesn't want to upset his grandma by saying he doesn't want her to come- he's very sensitive and aware of people's feelings. Not that she would blame him in any way at all.

Tricky one. She might not even turn up yet.

Yes 18m without an explanation. He got a gift card at Xmas and the same for his birthday. (I think her mum buys then and she signs the card). Once went 2 years without anything at all- no cards, calls or visits.

he is too young to be allowed to make that kind of decision and in general, I think the courts would agree with that. It would depend, I guess, on just how badly hurt he's been but there are plenty of absent fathers who gain access using the court system after years of absence.

He is not too young to be listened to an the courts would listen.

I think his dad needs to sit down with him and let him know that he has a choice in the matter and that's it's ok to change his mind at any time.
Encourage him to see her, don't force though.

Fwiw, my best friends daughter got handed to reins at this age and its done her the world of good. But age is such a varied thing for children.

I think you and your dh know your dss well enough to know if he's mature enough to make this kind of choice.
Just to put it into perspective, 10 is the age of criminal responsibility in the UK, which would indicate that the courts/justice system feel that 10 is old enough to make measured decisions and understand the consequences of them.
The decision needs to be made in the context of lots of discussion and thought on all of your parts (as I'm sure it will be).
It might be better for dss to make the decision without the pressure of the upcoming visit - is there any way this can be cancelled or delayed without any definite long term implications so that dss has a bit longer to think things through?

Update- DSS went and had his fish and chips and watched telly with his grandad, she didn't show up. Her mum rang her but she said she was going out. DSS hasn't mentioned it and just said he'd enjoyed going and seeing his GPs and Uncle.

I'm glad he had a nice evening with his family. It's appalling the way his birth mother is treating him and if he's able to articulate that he doesn't want someone who thinks so little of him in his life, he should be respected.

Did he know there was a possibility of her turning up? It must have broken his little heart. Although, unfortunately it sounds like he is used to it. I am just gobsmacked that a mother could do this to her child. :( x

He did know yes, but unfortunately this is nothing new. He doesn't seem upset, although I am aware this could be hidden and issues may arise in the future. She's a stranger to him now really.