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AIBU?

to think my friend is deluded or am I just pessimistic?

64 replies

MrsHuxtable · 21/05/2013 13:53

So, my childless friend and I just had a conversation about having twins that are born a maximum of 2 years after a first child. (I'm newly pregnant with No2 and due to increased twin risk worried that it's what might happen to me).

I said that I know someone who has this set-up and that the women is a wreck. She openly admitted that just running away is on her mind a lot. I can totally understand this as it must be so hard, physically and emotionally. It's a constant cycle of nappies, feeding, winding, nappies, feeding, winding. When one baby goes to sleep at night, the other wakes. and then there's the toddler in the terrible twos. No family around to help out either. A husband working long hours. The hassle of getting around with 3 so little etc.

My friend on the other hand thinks it sounds like a lovely set-up and that it wouldn't be a problem. That because you already have a child and are therefore an experienced mum, it would all be a breeze.

Is my friend being utterly deluded because she doesn't even know what it's like to look after one child?

Or am I being a pessimistic git who is an incompetent mother because I think I would be a total wreck under the circumstances described?

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dreamingbohemian · 21/05/2013 14:30

Why on earth are her opinions getting you down? You should be laughing at them, not taking them to heart. She clearly has no idea.

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TeWiSavesTheDay · 21/05/2013 14:30

Lordy, I'm always tempted to describe the variety of possible birth injuries when people bang on about getting back in the sack ASAP.

Mind you my sister tried to convince me that maternity leave was a year off and really thought I would agree! This was after she spent an afternoon babysitter my DS who at 6mo, took offence at who knows what and screamed his head off the whole time.

Great rest!

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ZenGardener · 21/05/2013 14:35

Ps I have a childless friend who loves to criticize and give me her pearls of wisdom. I stopped seeing her though. She felt she knew exactly what it was like having young children as she had two dogs and coped fine. She thought there was no excuse to have a basket of laundry sitting in the hall or toys strewn about the living room. Yes, she's crazy!

I think one of my favorites was when she explained toe I should just lock the children in the bedroom with their toys and then I could get the housework done.

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BalloonSlayer · 21/05/2013 14:35

Buy yourself a little notebook and when she makes one of these pronouncements make a little show of getting it out of your bag and pretending to write in it.

When she asks you what you are doing, say: "I am writing down all the stuff you come out with so I can make you a hilarious little book when you have your own children. You'll laugh and laugh!"

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katieelh · 21/05/2013 14:35

I had twins when my first was 2 and tbh it wasn't as bad as you would imagine. I felt like I really geared up for it and was super organised. There was a point where my twins were in special care and my toddler was admitted to the childrens ward with a uti and I was recovering from a c section,sleeping on a pull out bed on the ward where I though ' oh my god what have I let my self in for' but it was all fine in the end! My twins were very poorly for a long time so I think I was so so greatful and lucky to have brought them home that I was able to deal with all the rest.

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MrsHuxtable · 21/05/2013 14:38

haha, that's a great idea.

Yes, I also have some pelvic floor damage which makes sex in certain positions rather unenjoyable and dear friend reckons, I just need to do my kegels more often. I do do them btw but think I'm a little beyond that.

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oldwomaninashoe · 21/05/2013 14:40

I had twin boys, with two older children (both boys) of 3 and 6. My husband is self employed and worked all the hours that god sent to provide for us all, no family help either.
You cope, you develop stratagies, and the baby stage is the least of your worries.......its when they get mobile the real problems start!

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP

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HibiscusIsland · 21/05/2013 14:48

I think you should make your friend's comments into a childcare advice booklet and say you want to refer to it to get tips. Then if she has a baby you can give it to her as a present.

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HibiscusIsland · 21/05/2013 14:49

Oops sorry. I see Balloon had the same idea before me!

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DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 21/05/2013 14:49

Ignore and smile (if you can!)

I used to think twins wod be lovely...so cute, instant family, they'd entertain each other etc etc... I was very young and childless of course!!!

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Lazyjaney · 21/05/2013 14:49

Twins are hard, a toddler and a baby are hard, a toddler and twins are horrendous (had a friend who had that) If your friend ever gets that way tyou can piously lecture her about staying passionate

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qwertymclate · 21/05/2013 14:50

I have twins that are nearly 2. If you get them into a routine from the start then it's not a problem. I have a far easier time of it than a lot of the mums I know with singletons. We live in a different country and have no help, and have never had any. DH works and I'm a sahm. It depends on your personality and your attitude. We're laid back and go with the flow. I find it's more people without twins that seem think they are so much work.

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Onesleeptillwembley · 21/05/2013 14:50

I've never climbed Everest, but hey, how hard can it be?

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HamletsSister · 21/05/2013 14:53

I was the oldest child in that set up. (I posted about this recently, elsewhere). My mother had me and then 2 years later, twins. My father worked away a lot and my mother (this was 40+ years ago) was told she was not allowed to breastfeed twins, although she had breastfed me. She did as she was told! (Even though she was a trained nurse). So, when my father was away, she had to wake me in the night so I could bottle feed one of the twins while she had the other.

Surely something we would frown on nowadays. But what else could she do? It was, I am sure, a hard, hard time for her. She had no help. She has not really talked about it much but I know it was a bit of a blur and my father's frequent affairs began soon after.

Your friends knows nothing.

I have two, 18 months apart, and that was hard enough.

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motherinferior · 21/05/2013 14:54

I have a very lovely, extremely competent mate whose third baby turned out to be twins. She says quite honestly that she lost the plot for about three years

I haven't asked her about the passionate lovers bit, but I can assure you that passions do not run madly high in most parental households of my acquaintance.

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motherinferior · 21/05/2013 14:56

I recently had to put up with a childless colleague who used to go on about what a lovely break maternity leave must be and how she looked forward to a 'year off'. Also obviously the importance of Date Nights and so on and so nauseatingly forth.

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oscarwilde · 21/05/2013 14:57

A close friend had twins and a toddler, born when the toddler was 18 months old. I think it is fair to say that even with a LOT of family support they have found it very difficult. Finances have meant that have both needed to work full time which hasn't helped.
Your friend is deluded. Bless.

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DoJo · 21/05/2013 15:03

Sounds like a 6 of 1 situation - she's seeing all the positives and you're seeing all the negatives. As anyone with children knows, there's no guarantee how you will cope with any of the things they throw at you, whether they will sleep well, whether it will be a complete battle to get them to feed and how your other children will react to the change in setup etc. I don't think she's being ridiculous to believe that it can be done and that it would be possible to enjoy aspects of the arrangement but I don't think you're being unreasonable to suggest that it could be difficult.

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MrsHuxtable · 21/05/2013 15:10

Oh, I can see the positives.

DH and I are unsure whether we'd like 2 or 3 children all together so I'd love it if the choice was taken out of my hands.

I can also see how it would be lovely to have a little group of children once the exhausting baby time is over.

BUT I'm fecking tired now. I haven't slept through a night in 17 months and I'm pretty sure twins would push me over the edge. Luckily, it's all academic for now.

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FreckledLeopard · 21/05/2013 15:17

I don't know. I always thought twins would be nice, once you'd already had a child.

DD is now 12 and I want more children at some stage. I figure twins would be fine, since they're an 'instant' family and as they get older, they can entertain/fight with each other.

Having said that, DD didn't sleep through the night til she was 3.5 years, so I accept that with any child, massive sleep deprivation is par for the course, so what's the difference between one child not sleeping and two?

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MrsHuxtable · 21/05/2013 15:21

If one child wakes up every three hours and goes back to sleep, you can sleep inbetween. Imagine 3 children taking turns waking up!

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TeWiSavesTheDay · 21/05/2013 15:28

I've always secretly fancied twins not really sure why! They just seem quite special. I'm pg with my 3rd, Nd there'll be 21mths between them and DS, which makes me nervous enough tbh! So I'm glad, this time it wasn't.

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ClairesTravellingCircus · 21/05/2013 15:29

with any child, massive sleep deprivation is par for the course, so what's the difference between one child not sleeping and two?

the difference being that if they don't wake at the same time, you get twice as many wakings, and if they do and you are not your won...frankly it's a nightmare that I've had to deal with a few times, and it ain't pleasant!

If you get them into a routine from the start then it's not a problem If it was just that easy....

the baby stage is the least of your worries.......its when they get mobile the real problems start! couldn't agree more!

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AllOutOfIdeas · 21/05/2013 15:55

I had dts when dc1 was 17months, no help, dp working 6 days a week.

I went out most days, bf'd them both til 8months, my house is still standing and i am not a wreck.

The early days were a bit more sleepless than a singleton but i guess i have been lucky that none of mine had reflux or Colic and were very happy babies.

I am very laid back and although i had a routine, it nap flexible so i didn't get stressed over it.

Now they are older its even easier as they are all around the same age there is no trying to find things/games /days out to please dc that are years apart iyswim?

Maybe its a bit of both- your friends view is pretty much how i found it tbh and i could draw on the very recent experiences of dc1. But i appreciate that won't be everyones experiences.

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ClairesTravellingCircus · 21/05/2013 16:40

That should have said "and if you are on your own"

15 months without a decent night here!

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