Ex getting DSs' hair cut

[EllenJanesthickerknickers]

Now, I'm sure I am being a bit unreasonable, but can I just rant a bit first?

Background, my exDickhead left nearly 2 years ago after I found out about his affair. He's now living with the OW and her DS a couple of miles away.

He's been pretty good about access, reliable and really wants to win back the boys' respect. (Except for taking lots of holidays which occasionally impact his access alternate weekends, where I feel I'm 'babysitting' for him. )

He knows I like the boys' hair a little longer and surfy. Not ridiculously long, just a few inches. He keeps getting their hair cut on his weekends. Quite short, not my taste at all.

TBH, DS2 (13 with SN) doesn't care. DS3 (10) is finding the whole divorce hard going and tries desperately to please his dad, so won't argue with him. DS1, (15) is pretty pissed off at being told when to get his hair cut. He'd like it a bit longer but he's very quiet and again doesn't want to risk his relationship with his dad. So he asked me to complain about it for him.

I was really upset the first time he did it, cut off their lovely locks. That was a year ago and he gets their haircut every 6 weeks or so, so it's never got very long since. I didn't say a word (to him or them) though, because I could imagine what AIBU would say.

This time, though, what should I do? DS1 is nearly 16. Surely he's old enough to make his own mind up about his hairstyle, so long as it's acceptable at school?

I'd box a bit clever and so you don't come across as being upset by it (which it sounds like he would enjoy) rather than mentioning all the boys just focus on your ds1 who is bothered by it. An email along the lines of

"Hi there I know you usually get the boys hair cut around now just to let you know ds1 wants to leave his a bit longer and as he's getting older now I think it's fair to let him choose his own hair style!"

Then work on your ds1 and helping him to feel comfortable telling his dad what he wants

I have nothing useful to add and no experience of this but YANBU OP.

Reading your OP annoyed me; I can't imagine "using" my lovely little DSs to get back at anyone. I feel that your ex isn't alot nicer to your Dss. Early bed for his convenience and scalping them against their wishes is just really tight behaviour from a parent.

I hope things get better for you all.

My DS2 has ASD, DS1 struggles socially. Arguing with his dad isn't one of his talents, despite being a grunty teenager. I will make sure that DS1 is happy with whatever I put in the email and make sure it's nothing he'd be uncomfortable confirming with his dad.

Ex is obviously a knob but he's been a good dad in most things. Maintenance is on time, access is reliable etc. The haircuts do save me money and he's not shaving them! He is definitely making the most of his child free time, though, and he did leave us after a 6 month affair with his OW, so while I understandably hate him, and won't be defending his parenting too much, it's too harsh to say he's bullying them. He is using them to get at me, however.

I think Coola's email is pretty good. Maybe a bit less chatty if you two are not at the chat stage yet.