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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says 'I'm good for nothing except bitching about him'. AIBU to take offence

52 replies

TirNaNog100 · 20/05/2013 22:30

Just that really.

Background: I was speaking to my sister on the phone in the car. He dislikes having to listen to other people's phone conversations and was urging me to hurry up. I felt rude rushing my sister off the phone and explained that I had to go as DH dislikes me being on the phone in the car (not said in a mean way).

He got upset, said I was bitching about him and was 'good for nothing except bitching about him'. I was so hurt that I hardly spoke to him all day, which he considered a complete over-reaction. I feel it was a very hurtful thing to say and that most people would be upset. AIBU?

OP posts:
Sianilaa · 21/05/2013 07:43

So you're never allowed to have a phone conversation around your husband? I find that weird to be honest. And I'd never be able to talk to anyone as both my DH and myself work from home. I think he's being unreasonable. It was a 5 minute phone call with your sister about something important, he needs to get a grip.

And yes, what he said was disgusting. Does he talk to you like this and try to control what you do a lot?

pictish · 21/05/2013 07:44

What athing said. Absolutely!

He sounds like a domineering, selfish arse.

pictish · 21/05/2013 07:45

Oh - and he feels quite entitled to issue scorn to back up his dominance too...so he's a rude bastars too.

Domineering, selfish and rude. Lovely.

Wishiwasanheiress · 21/05/2013 07:47

You were on the phone talking about your sister for quite a while. Maybe this conversation didn't sound as nice to him having no choice but to listen as in the car, as you and your other sister plainly felt. Were you talking about her, a bit snippy? Maybe he then just didn't want u talking about him like u did her.

I am reserving judgement at present! ;)

ApocalypseThen · 21/05/2013 07:49

Well if I was good for nothing, he'd get a good dose of what I'm good for. There'd be no dinner, no cleaning, no sex, no talking, no social events.

HerrenaLovesStarTrek · 21/05/2013 07:49

Your husband sounds like a bit of an arse and unreasonable to boot.

Loulybelle · 21/05/2013 07:57

Wish, Op stated it was for 5 mins, talking about her heavily pregnant hospitalized sister, so i can imagine 2 sisters, were worried about their other sister.

YANBU, he sounds like an arse, if you cant talk on the phone when hes around.

And i hope your sister gets well soon.

Original poster
TirNaNog100 · 21/05/2013 08:05

Loulybelle: Thank you. She's having her baby today so will be fine, all going well.

OP posts:
Loulybelle · 21/05/2013 08:06

Glad to hear it :)

GoblinGranny · 21/05/2013 08:13

Yes, he's being an arse, and immature.
However, I have adult children, having been through the teenage years, and if one of them had :

' got upset, said I was bitching about him and was 'good for nothing except bitching about him'. I was so hurt that I hardly spoke to him all day, which he considered a complete over-reaction. I feel it was a very hurtful thing to say and that most people would be upset'

I would be annoyed at their rudeness and then I'd look at the problem analytically, and calmly. Then I'd take their argument to pieces and prove that they were not seeing the situation realistically, and we'd work it out. I would learn why my child's perspective was so different to mine, and what particular triggers there were for it.
You shouldn't have to do that with a partner as you are both adults, but if you don't then the situation may repeat itself until you or he leaves the relationship. He is wrong, but why?

AThingInYourLife · 21/05/2013 08:27

For how long did you continue hardly talking to him after he apologised for saying you were good for nothing?

TeWiSavesTheDay · 21/05/2013 08:45

I really don't think you were rude - your sister is ill, fgs, it wasn't a unnecessary vs. Hope everything goes well today.

Your husband was very insensitive.

Original poster
TirNaNog100 · 21/05/2013 08:53

AThing: He didn't really apologise but tried to make up my making jokes, being nice.

Normally, that's fine by me but this time I really wanted him to acknowledge that what he said was hurtful and (I think) untrue. So I barely spoke to him all day. I know that sounds passive aggressive but I just felt too upset to carry on as normal.

OP posts:
GoblinGranny · 21/05/2013 09:05

Have you tried telling him straight?

Loulybelle · 21/05/2013 09:10

Just tell him that he actually upset you by saying that, then its up to him to apologise.

Original poster
TirNaNog100 · 21/05/2013 09:10

GoblinGranny: Yes I did. I told him that being called good-for-nothing belittles my efforts as a mother to our toddler, and a wife, and a full-time employee. He insisted I was over-reacting and was causing a row by my over-reaction.

OP posts:
GoblinGranny · 21/05/2013 09:13

Then he's an immature arse, you have got your work cut out for you if you stay.

pictish · 21/05/2013 09:26

He insisted I was over-reacting and was causing a row by my over-reaction

Translation: I will speak to you any way I choose to, and you will accept it. If you stand up to me and my appalling behaviour, I will swiftly turn it around so that YOU are in the wrong. How dare you have an opinion on how you are treated? Your role is to absorb whatever shit I fling at you.

HerrenaLovesStarTrek · 21/05/2013 09:28

What pictish said, with bells on.

MadBusLady · 21/05/2013 09:37

Fucks' sake, I will never understand why some people find the existence of mobile phones SO OFFENSIVE. Communications etiquette in some of your homes must be a bloody minefield. She had a 5 minute call about her ill, pregnant sister which she didn't even initiate. This is not in any way, shape or form rude.

The argument sounds a bit storm in a teacup though. Communicate, tell him it was a hurtful thing to say and ask him what the hell he meant by it. I can't stand it when people do the silent treatment on me.

Original poster
TirNaNog100 · 21/05/2013 09:58

MadBusLady: I know it may seem a bit of a storm in a teacup and it would have all blown over quickly if he had simply apologised. What wrecked my head was being blamed for being upset.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 21/05/2013 10:09

He needs to grow up. Is he normally this immature?

coribells · 21/05/2013 10:33

Very rude of him.

I don't like people tackling on the phone in the car either. it's distracting

crashdoll · 21/05/2013 11:08

If you were on the phone while he was driving having a 30 minute chat about last night's Corrie and had form for doing it, then I would understand his POV. BUT you were discussing your unwell sibling with another sibling. Christ on a bike, there is no excuse for his behaviour and you were totally not in the wrong.

Original poster
TirNaNog100 · 21/05/2013 12:26

Thanks to all for your replies.

In answer to those who ask whether my husband is normally like this: no, he's normally great and I love him.

But, our arguments tend to follow a pattern (I do something which provokes him - he responds by saying something I think disproportionate to the provocation - I get upset - he interprets me being upset as me causing a row).

It's a head-wrecking pattern for me (and for him, I think) and we need to get out of it.

OP posts: