AIBU to feel a bit fed up with this friendship?
waddlecakes · 20/05/2013 11:13
I feel so bad for writing this, as my friend has always been supportive of me, there fore me, etc.
But recently I've begun to feel a bit fed up by how everything has to centre around me. She wants me to always spill the latest dramas in my life so she can help me with them, and essentially if I didn't blather on about this that or the other, there would be silence. She doesn't really have anything to say other than bouncing off my comments/thoughts/worries and it makes me feel a bit drained to be honest because it means that when I see her I basically have to be in ''entertaining'' or ''sharing mode''.
The second aspect of it is (and this is my fault somewhat, I realize) - we'll say something like ''maybe we can try and learn to make homemade pizza at some point next week, maybe Tuesday or something''. Then Tuesday morning rolls around and I'll be getting text after text asking what time she should come round to make pizza etc (we always have to be at my house because she lives in a studio so mine is just bigger and handier and she likes to get out of hers). I realize we did mention making pizza on Tuesday - but I just feel sort of harrassed sometimes. Maybe IABU but maybe I don't want to make pizza anymore when I wake up, or maybe just for once she could wait and see if I iniatiate something instead of constantly nagging me?
I feel really guilty but it wears me down when the conversation is always so one-sided AND I'm being forced into doing stuff at mine.
Anyway sorry for this really long rant. Can anyone relate? Does anyone have a friendship like this?
AMumInScotland · 20/05/2013 11:33
It sounds like she's got quite reliant on you for interest and a feeling of "being useful" - it's nice to be supportive, but if she is demanding that you provide things for her to be supportive about, then that's quite a different matter.
Maybe just let the conversation drift into silence and don't fill it? If she can't be bothered to make half the running, then that doesn't mean you have to fill the gap.
And maybe just don't mention plans, if she then turns vague ideas into specifics. Leave it as "Oh we'll need to get together soon", or not even that. Or meet up in a cafe or pub if you're getting fed up of being an entertainment provider for her.
EldritchCleavage · 20/05/2013 12:09
Fill the silence by asking her about herself, maybe?
And the pizza thing I do think is rather rude: don't throw out invitations for specific days, or go along with them, if you tend to cry off later. When you woke up not wanting to do it, you could have texted her first thing to say so.
Do you think you tend to rely on this friend for support when things aren't good, but not really want to see her regularly otherwise? If she senses that, then the emphasis on your dramas is maybe just her trying to maintain the dynamic that keeps the friendship going.
TheFlipsideOfTheCoin · 20/05/2013 12:41
I think you are being a little unfair to say that you will do something on a certain day and then get annoyed when she wants to carry through with this plan. If you don't intend to go through with it then don't suggest it in the first place.
I can't see how you can go from wanting to do something to not wanting to something in the space of a few days. Fair enough if you want to rearrange the date because it's not convenient any more.
tripecity · 20/05/2013 12:49
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
BackforGood · 20/05/2013 13:18
I agree with flipside and tripe -you suggested making the pizza on Tuesday. I can't see why it would then bother you that your friend took up your invitations and wanted to check the time with you rather than just rocking up when it might not be convenient ?
I have to say, I've seen many posters over the years saying that their "friend" never has time for them, and everything always has to be about them (the friend), but complaining about a friend who is actually interested in you is a new one!
Loulybelle · 20/05/2013 14:58
I can relate, this is off my thread about my friend.
Has anyone got one and how to you put up with them.
I have known a friend for 12 years and she has quite a few control freak tendencies, the main one being her always nagging at my DD, almost to the point strangers would think she was the mum not me.
She tries to invite herself around my house, she still lives with her mum. When she comes over, she tries to dictate when we go to bed, what we watch on telly, and she'll eat my and DD's food. I nearly had to referee a fight between this friend and my closest friend, because this friend was getting so impatient about going to bed, my other friend thinks if your tired then just go to bed.
Lately shes become very needy, normally she expects me to chat online all day about mindless drivel, about how bored and tired she is. If im not online she will call me on my landline to talk, no matter how busy i might be.
Yesterday, i wasnt well, im still not, and i really didnt feel up to talking much, she got into a hissy fit over this and had a go at me, later she rung my landline, i was busy so didnt answer, she then rung my mobile again busy so i didnt answer, she then texts me saying, "Fine then dont answer your phone". Later i was online, but fell asleep with the computer still on, after it shuts down, taking me offline, 1hr later, i sign in to FB, to find another shitty message, saying "Oh thats nice, sign off without saying goodbye", when she had done the same thing to me twice that day.
Speaking to other friend, i found out that this friend has been saying im the needy one, which i dont think i am, im a single parent, if i have peace and quiet then i bloody well enjoy it, i dont wanna be talking about shit all day.
I lose my patience with her sometimes, and i tell her to reign it in, but it doesnt sink in.
I feel so bitchy ranting but i need too.
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/05/2013 15:01
I don't really get this....
you have a friend who is interested in what is going on in your life and helps you out if she can
You suggest making pizza and then get fed up because she asks you what time and it is round yours??
Mos of our friends come round our house to socialise because we have a lovely big lounge.....I love it.
Equally, I have friends who I encourage to talk about their dramas, purely because my life is quite undramatical!
I can't work out exactly what is wrong with this friend? So yes, from this thread alone YABU!
Aranea · 20/05/2013 15:06
I feel sorry for your friend. She's being interested and supportive rather than self-obsessed, and she thinks that if you've made a plan with her you've, er, made a plan with her. I can't see what she has done wrong.
I am feeling rather drained following an evening with a friend who talks exclusively about himself, his adventures and his worries, so I can't really see your problem. Maybe your friend would like you to be a little bit interested in her?
Notcontent · 20/05/2013 15:14
It may be a bit annoying for you. However, the other side of it is that it is unfair to make plans with people if you don't really mean to follow through. I used to have a friend like that - she used to often suggest various things but then often until the actual day I didn't know if we were going ahead with the plans - I didn't want to come across as "needy" so would often not get in touch with her until she did, but it made me feel like a bit of a "stand- by" friend.
waddlecakes · 20/05/2013 16:01
Thanks guys, I suppose it appears IABU. Guess it's just a difference in approach as am not bothered at all if someone cancels plans or changes their mind even if it's like an hour before, but it seems as if I need to be more tolerant of the more reasonable mindset.
YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 20/05/2013 17:22
Guess it's just a difference in approach as am not bothered at all if someone cancels plans or changes their mind even if it's like an hour before if this doesn't bother you do you do it to others and therefore bother them? You sound tough to be friends with tbh.
Decoy · 20/05/2013 17:34
Maybe arrange some things to do together that don't just involve talking about problems? If you don't always want to meet at your house, why not suggest going out to the park, swimming, a yoga class or window shopping?
And I agree with the others, if you suggest pizza on a Tuesday then there's not much surprise that she's contacting you about pizza on Tuesday!
BLOO3Z · 20/05/2013 19:12
Maybe she doesnt initate conversation as she feels relaxed in your company and thinks she doesnt have to entertain and put on a show/front for a friend, and to be honest to have a friend who is genuinely interested in your life is a gem, as most people couldn't care less..
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