AIBU to think it was only technically an affair and I'm not a cheat?

[movingonandonandon]

Don't want to dripfeed but not putting identifying details in case exH reads this. I left exH 7 months ago because of domestic violence, he made it as hard as possible and right from the start I was clear it was over. ExH spent about 6 weeks trying to 'win me back' and prove he'd changed until that got too boring for him and wasn't working so since then he's been resorting to threatening me with custody battles and insulting me to all and sundry, so he's hardly trying to repair a relationship and I've made it very clear from the moment I left that it was permanently over. So from either side we were definitely separated, not just having a 'blip'.

About 2 months ago I had a one night stand, not the best move in hindsight but I was feeling low and thought he cared about me but apparently only does as a friend. I don't know how but exH found out, I didn't tell anyone and I'm very sure one night stand didn't tell him but I don't know how else he'd have known so that's confusing in itself. Either way, exH is now telling everyone I was cheating on him while we were together (absolutely not true) and that this proves it because even though we're separated it's still an affair because we're not divorced yet. I know that's technically true but I never so much as kissed anyone else while we were still in a relationship and now I consider myself morally free to do what I like with anyone as the relationship is over. But exH, and a slowly growing number of our mutual friends, say it's still an affair because I'm still married and should be faithful to him until we've got a divorce and so this proves I was probably unfaithful while we were together too. Are they BU or am I?

With mutual friends laugh and say "oh god, when will he get it? I've left him, I've started divorce proceedings, do you think he's going to be sat at the back of the church if I ever get remarried accusing me of bigamy? Actually, it's getting a bit worrying now, it's like he can't accept it's really over, I think he might need good friends round him now to keep reminding him we're not on a break, I've started the divorce, do you think you could talk to him and help him get used to the idea?"

To his face, I'd say "My sex life stopped being your business when I threw you out, I'm genuinely uninterested in yours."

But exH, and a slowly growing number of our mutual friends, say it's still an affair because I'm still married and should be faithful to him until we've got a divorce and so this proves I was probably unfaithful while we were together too. Are they BU or am I?

They're talking rubbish. Some people have to wait 5 years between separating and getting a divorce. Are they supposed to remain celebate during all that time? Of course not! Your relationship with your ex is over, so, of course, you are neither unfaithful or a cheat, nor were you having an affair technical or otherwise. If these friends think you were probably unfaithful when you and ex were together, they are either a bit stupid, not really your friends or too inclined to meddle in other people's business, or possibly all three. Time to make some new friends, I think.

You're well rid. If the mutual friends are worth anything they'll judge you by their own experience of your behaviour anyway rather than what an obviously bitter ex has to say. IME, as others have said, you'll start to find out who among them are real friends after all.

Just start laughing, head tilt, "awwwww, your a gullible arent you"

Oh and its not an affair, when your separated,

Otherwise Kim Kardashian would be a cheat.

Oh just ignore his bullshit and be glad you're no longer with him. I have an ex like this and I ended up losing a lot of friends when we split up despite me having to get a restraining order against him fgs. The way I see it, they obviously weren't true friends anyway, I've now got less friends but I know I can trust them and that they'll be there for me when I need them.

Ignore the cheating/affair nonsense, there will soon be another drama he'll be spinning but the sooner you show him you don't care what he says about you then (hopefully) the sooner he'll back off.

Nonsense. You're separated. You're your own woman now. He doesn't have any claim on you.

Does a ONS count as an affair??

Even so, a ONS after you have LTB-it's a pretty big leap to say that you were probably unfaithful whilst married!

The fuckers can fuck right off if that's what they think-they really aren't worth bothering with.

One really good friend is all you need.

I agree with the PP. He broke the marriage contract when he was violent. There was nothing to break after that.

Good friends will appreciate that him slagging you off means that he is a twunt. My divorce definitely separated the wheat from the chaff. Including his 'black sheep of the family' brother who was the only one of his relatives who behaved decently.

Usually when someone's so determined to shift the blame they usually know they've done some wrong. For instance, partner separated from his ex for her cheating and placing ads on those sites for marital affairs. He moved out as she wanted to move someone else in, which she did a week later, with numerous other blokes to follow and abortions in the 9 months. All was dandy, partner had accepted this and still saw his kids very regularly. He even helped his ex with odd bits and pieces when she asked and constantly gave her money. He then met me. She fell pregnant and when the father buggers off thought ex would come back and raise the baby as his own (him being the biggest pushover known to man). She got bitter because he wasn't interested and blamed that on me, and ive since been the woman to split them up.
Of course it's quite evident I wasn't but she needed someone to blame for being in the situation she was (single parent to 6 kids, on benefits etc...) and was a defense mechanism.

She told the kids the same, and anyone else that would listen. But partner never once bad mouthed her, he would just nod and say "I know the truth". Pretty soon people started doubting what she was saying because partner kept quiet and didn't feel the need to defend himself. As he used to say, it's no one else's business. The kids are growing up and realising what sort of temperament their mum has, and your kids will realise the same about their dad, your ex. Of anyone says anything to me I tend to pretty much say the same as partner, but adding that I don't regret my kids so if I did do what she's apparently saying then I'd do it again to assure I have my kids (me and partner have had 2 kids together).

At the end of day, what's news today will be forgotten tomorrow. People have their own lives and move on pretty quickly. You'll be seen as the better person when they realise that you're not so quick to paint him in a bad light like he is you.

you slept with someone a long time after you separated. I can see the problem.

it's technically cheating. An affair suggests a longer-term relationship. It doesn't mean you've cheated or had an affair before. There is no obligation to stay faithful and divorce is 'no-blame' anyway so it won't make a job of difference to your divorce settlement if that's what people are worried about.

I would say it's wrong before separation but fine afterwards. You have cut your ties, the legal tie cutting can take years, and it's unreasonable to have to wait that long.

Nonsense!

Relax op, your ex is going to spread shit about you if he wants to. People who will believe it aren't your friends anyway.