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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not very nice to be the only one not invited to a party?

24 replies

KnickKnacks · 18/05/2013 19:36

I feel like I did when I was a kid, and "all" the class (ok I accept it may not have been 100% of the class but it was certainly the minority left out rather than the majority) were invited to a birthday party, and they'd chat to you about it, beforehand saying what was going to happen and then giving the blow by blow breakdown of it afterwards. And I would smile and nod and say how wonderful, whilst thinking and why am I not invited?

I live in a large village, and due to the size of it my ds' sports teams are all the same kids, so in the autumn they all play football, in the winter they all play rugby and now in the summer they all play cricket together. So the mums all know each other. Due to our location very bizarrely none of the kids are at the same schools, so only see each other through the teams.

One of the mum's is on the PA of her dc's school, and they've just had a ball. For whatever reason this mum has chosen to host two tables at the PA for the "team" mums, and I wasn't invited. The other parents have chatted to me about what they were wearing, meal choices etc, but not one of them has said "Are you going?" therefore I presume they've not been told to keep it from me, but are aware that I'm not invited. I've since had all the stories of the night and FB is covered in photos.

It appears one other parent couple weren't there (whether couldn't make it or not invited I don't know), but all others were. I feel hurt by this.

AIBU to think yes you can't be included in everything but being excluded in this way still hurts? and is quite a distinct way of the mothers saying I'm not part of the "gang"?

OP posts:
IkeaIdea · 18/05/2013 19:40

Yes, it can suck but thats life.

MrsCampbellBlack · 18/05/2013 19:44

Its mean behaviour. I think its mean when this happens with children's parties and its just as mean with adults.

meala · 18/05/2013 19:51

That's really unkind, especially to chat about it in front of you.

At my DDs 2nd birthday party, we had some friends over who allbalso had DCs of a similar age. We were all out in the garden and I was ferrying food out while they all planned a daytrip to which I wasn't invited. It really does hurt.

Levantine · 18/05/2013 19:56

Mean. Something similair happened to me at ds1's first school. I think it is really shitty and can't imagine ever treationg someone like that

ChippingInIsMissingHerLatte · 18/05/2013 20:01

Is there the slightest chance it was accidental (your invite was lost in the post/wrong address, or that it was a general invite on facebook that you missed or something?) if not, it sounds really mean :(

Goldmandra · 18/05/2013 20:07

It is hard and I would never talk about an occasion like that in front of someone who had not been invited.

I had an acquaintance some time ago with whom I shared a few mutual friends and I saw her at school PTA meetings quite often. She made a big point of telling me every time we met about the occasions on which she had seen our friends without me. It was clearly done to make a point.

She wasn't aware that, although she had the occasional night out with them without me, I went out with them without her more often and regularly for whole weekends.

I didn't tell her and neither did the others because we didn't want to cause bad feeling. She, on the other hand, did her best to cause bad feeling wherever possible.

For that reason I always give her a wide berth if I can and smile and nod whenever she starts spouting about it.

mercibucket · 18/05/2013 20:11

if it was for the teams mums, then you were invited, as you are a mum of the kids on the team. i would have assumed that and approached the organiser direct if i had wanted to go. it is a bit passive to sit back and wait for a formal invite.
unless it was a deliberate 'and you cant come' thing?

lljkk · 18/05/2013 20:17

Hum, ho, are you sure you're not some awful bully nice to everyone but horrible to the party giver unbeknownst to you (comment about another thread).

To be honest the opposite can be bad too. Being invited when you know you really weren't wanted. And being very bored for it (btdt).

Original poster
KnickKnacks · 18/05/2013 20:17

No it was a formal invite thing, it was very formal invitations, and tickets were £100 per person (yes I did save a substantial sum of money by not being invited Smile)

I didn't start hearing about it until the week before the event, and the conversation was about how many weeks of prep had gone into it. So I was out of the loop until the end.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 18/05/2013 20:18

Doesn't the fact they're so open say there's nothing malicious in it?

It sounds like they think it's your decision whether you involve yourself or not, and if you wanted to you'd ask or volunteer.

If you're a bit unsure of yourself it's easy to read it as them excluding you, but I suppose it's a two way street and they assume you've chosen not to.

Ifyoulike · 18/05/2013 20:18

If this were me, I would wonder if I had done something to upset the person involved, and would probably approach them gently at some point with something like, "I'm really sorry if I've done something to upset or offend you, but I noticed you didn't invite me. Would you mind talking to me about it?"

Sometimes people have very good reasons (to them) for not inviting others, and sometimes people won't know why (if they have done/said something or come across badly in an accidental way).

Sometimes it is just mean behaviour for the sake of it, but a calm discussion would soon reveal that.

Original poster
KnickKnacks · 18/05/2013 20:19

I have to say I have been very self-critical on myself and I honestly don't think I've done anything wrong.

What's btdt mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
KnickKnacks · 18/05/2013 20:20

Sorry bit x posting there. I think I will have to mention it to the mum who organised it in a non-confrontiational (sp) way if I can. Just to check that I've not sone something.

OP posts:
Ifyoulike · 18/05/2013 20:24

I've accidentally offended people before by saying or talking about something I didn't realise would offend (sometimes something as seemingly simple as the use of a single word).

Its not always obvious on self-reflection, as admirable a thing as that is to do, but the person may yet have a genuine/valid point.

Of course, its always possible they have no good reason at all. I'd be having a chat.

lljkk · 18/05/2013 20:59

btdt = been there done that. I was thinking especially of a party when I was 11, only figured out a few years ago that the parents must have insisted on me being invited (perhaps "everyone" had to actually be everyone). Pointless experience.

My immediate neighbour with a son in DS's class, gushed about plans for her son's party. And then didn't invite DS. Confused Or she'd tell me about going out drinking with a bunch of mutual friends and how much fun they had, or their plans to go out again soon. Some people just don't think.

OddSockMonster · 18/05/2013 21:11

Could it maybe be something like the organising mum chose to host two tables, then had to work out how to fill them, so maybe there were limited places?

Southeastdweller · 18/05/2013 21:25

Sorry to read you're feeling hurt. Limited numbers was my first thought after reading your post.

StanleyLambchop · 18/05/2013 21:30

I can see why you were hurt, but the mind boggles at £100 a ticket. Shock I think saving that kind of money would mean I would get over it very quickly!!!

saintlyjimjams · 18/05/2013 21:33

£100 per person??? Shock I'd be delighted not to be invited!

KatyDid02 · 18/05/2013 21:38

It happens. If it is any consolation I don't get invites either.

greenformica · 18/05/2013 21:44

It's life, you can't be apart of everything. Why don't you arrange a get together with some of the lovely ladies yourself? You could invite them to yours for a meal or something?

pigletmania · 18/05/2013 21:54

It is mean and I would feel hurt, especially if there was no obvious reason tat you were not invited (ie can't stand the mum). Do you know this mum well. I would be hurt but yes it's life. Iam so glad that I am in no friendship groups, all my friends are separate from each other

pigletmania · 18/05/2013 21:55

At 200 fr both of you, you had a lucky escape Smile

KitchenandJumble · 19/05/2013 00:33

YANBU. I loathe this kind of mean-spirited exclusion. It's horrible when adults allow children to do this to each other, and it's horrible when adults are the victims. But on the bright side, you will save quite a bit of money!

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