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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's in the wrong here?

92 replies

Shazjack1 · 18/05/2013 16:48

Would love your opinion, not sure who's in the wrong.

I'm furious at the way DS was treated at school yesterday. Long story short he's 12 and has had the same bunch of pals since start of primary. One of his pals was given a silly nickname last year. Not offensive in any way but apparently the pal is sick of the nickname now and it's upset her but she never said anything to DS or friends, if she had they wouldn't have used the name anymore. So her father went into school yesterday and told staff his daughter was being bullied by her friends. They have been threatened with all sorts and screamed and shouted at before even being allowed to give their side of the story. I don't know who I'm more disappointed at, school or her parents.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 18/05/2013 17:44

'I think he needs to get over himself and think of how his friend feels.'

I think that's what I was trying, but failed, to say.

That the OP doesn't seem concerned now that she does know and is trying to find ways of disproving it.

AgentZigzag · 18/05/2013 17:45

Please don't seeth at the girl though Shaz.

I'm wondering how her coming round to yours is going to pan out, will she be excluded from the group now she's said she's not happy?

That would be awful.

FreddieMisaGREATshag · 18/05/2013 17:46

How exactly have the school gone completely overboard? They've had a right ticking off, a stern talking to. Nothing else? They haven't been suspended or anything have they?

ChippingInIsMissingHerLatte · 18/05/2013 17:46

It is this girls fault for not speaking to the boys or even Shaz who she gets a lift home with every night, it's also her parents fault for not speaking to Shaz. She gets a lift home with them everynight, her father takes them all swimming - there's a 'relationship' there and the parents should have sorted it out. Bloody ridiculous.

AgentZigzag · 18/05/2013 17:47

Sorry seethe (I think?)

AgentZigzag · 18/05/2013 17:49

That's just victim blaming though isn't it Chipping?

(just taking the details given by the OP at face value)

larrygrylls · 18/05/2013 17:49

YADNBU,

People do need to learn to laugh at themselves and, if it was an inoffensive nickname, it is one of those things one ought to be able to deal with aged 12.

I detest bullying but I also detest the modern idea that everyone has a right to be hypersensitive. Building resilience is a key part to bringing up a child. And if she had really finally had enough, it was, in the first instance, up to her to request that people stopped using it. If they persisted, then it starts to look more like the start of bullying and that might have been the point to complain via her parents to the school. The school should then have had a quiet word with all the protagonists and explained the situation. Only if it then continued and escalated would the behaviour described have become appropriate.

It is completely unreasonable to expect a bunch of pre teens to suddenly realise that a name that they had used for ages had suddenly become offensive to someone.

Original poster
Shazjack1 · 18/05/2013 17:49

He has thought of how his friend feels. He's devastated as he genuinely didn't know she was bothered as she never said a word. They all have different nicknames so didn't know she was upset.

OP posts:
lljkk · 18/05/2013 17:51

Blimey Zigzag, say what you really mean.
No I haven't children, of course not. And no I wasn't bullied most of my childhood, no I wasn't actively suicidal from age 7-14 because of bullying. (And neither was DS age 9-10). Of course it hasn't haunted my whole life. Of course I went around happily calling myself that silly nickname which anyone else would think was harmless, it wasn't remotely like .... "Pigsty". Of course the school didn't blame my experience entirely on me. Of course I never cried or had panic attacks and wasn't generally socially shunned for 4 yrs. Of course I wouldn't know a thing about being properly bullied. How could I possibly have a clue? Believe whatever you like that makes you happy to lash out.

I still think OP's DS isn't to be blamed for not being a mind-reader. And that the parents handled it in an OTT way, and the school even worse.

AgentZigzag · 18/05/2013 17:55

Yeah Larry, it's the girls fault because she deliberately went looking to be offended to get the other children into trouble.

Course she did Hmm

Are you one of those types who pick up on what other people feel uncomfortable with and then use it as a shitty stick to poke them because you think they should be less sensitive and you're the one to teach them that important lesson?

I know people like that and they make my skin crawl.

cory · 18/05/2013 17:56

"I detest bullying but I also detest the modern idea that everyone has a right to be hypersensitive. Building resilience is a key part to bringing up a child."

But not to the extent of teaching them to take a talking to from their teachers...

Original poster
Shazjack1 · 18/05/2013 17:56

And yes I am worried about how the friendship is going to pan out. It's such a shame the way it's been handled.

School put them on report with the word BULLYING written across it so every teacher they had on Friday saw it and was disgusted with them. They are so ashamed. I can empathise with her parents, of course it's awful to have a child upset, I just think it could have been nipped in the bud a while back if we'd known.

OP posts:
FreddieMisaGREATshag · 18/05/2013 17:56

I think the parents did exactly the right thing. They went to the school. And they didn't involve the other parents.

cory · 18/05/2013 17:56

As far as I can see the whole thread is about the fact that most posters feel the OP is being overprotective of her son.

FreddieMisaGREATshag · 18/05/2013 17:57

Your son was using a nickname that another child found upsetting. He did it more than once for a prolonged period of time.

What would you call it then?

CrapsWithBears · 18/05/2013 17:58

Would love your opinion, not sure who's in the wrong.

What you really meant was, 'Would love your opinion on why my son is absolutely not in the wrong, excuse me whilst I drip feed...'

rabbitlady · 18/05/2013 17:59

your son has bullied her and she has been having a lift with you so couldn't say anything.

and you, as the adult, went along with it. maybe the school should complain about you.

AgentZigzag · 18/05/2013 18:00

Sorry lljkk, I didn't mean to upset you, I just feel really strongly about it having had similar shit myself.

You sound like you've been through the wringer too.

cory · 18/05/2013 18:00

Shazjack1 Sat 18-May-13 17:56:42
"And yes I am worried about how the friendship is going to pan out. It's such a shame the way it's been handled."

I think your reaction is going to have a great part to play here. Talk to your son. Tell him you accept that he didn't mean any harm, that you are confident that he can sort this out with the girl, that you know that next time he will be more careful and that they will all get over this, concentrate on the can-do aspect - and it's likely to work out fine.

Make him concentrate on how hard done by he is and how outraged you are- and he is likely to dwell on it for a long time and not in a way that will be helpful to him.

As I see it, it is very much about building resilience.

larrygrylls · 18/05/2013 18:01

Agent,

It is amusing that it is you who have decided to use personal abuse against me whilst asserting I am "one of those types who pick up on what other people feel uncomfortable with and then use it as a shitty stick to poke them because you think they should be less sensitive and you're the one to teach them that important lesson". Hmmmmm

I have both been bullied (not greatly but enough to know what it is like) and dealt with people who have cried "bully" as a dog whistle word to get others in trouble when they have not remotely been bullied in any objective sense of the world. It is not the girl's fault as she is still a child. It is, though, possibly her parents fault for not giving her the emotional toolkit to allow her to deal with normal age appropriate joshing.

Are you, perhaps, one of those types who looks for slights in every personal relationship and thus finds herself a little bit isolated, thus justifying their own incorrect perception of persecution?

PureDeadBrilliant · 18/05/2013 18:02

I severely doubt they were "screamed and shouted at".

YABU.

Think of the girl. She feels like she us bring bullied.

CrapsWithBears · 18/05/2013 18:03

normal age appropriate joshing

There's a big difference between joking around with someone, and keeping someone the butt of a joke for a year.

Original poster
Shazjack1 · 18/05/2013 18:03

Blimey, wish I'd never asked. They all have different nicknames, are they meant to be mind readers when one of them gets naffed off but says nothing.

OP posts:
DoctorAnge · 18/05/2013 18:04

You really don't get it do you OP? Hmm

You were totally out of order calling her patents. They don't need to answer to you.

cory · 18/05/2013 18:04

How about giving the boy the emotional toolkit to deal with a telling off from his teachers, larry? Why does the emotional resilience have to be all on one side?

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