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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My 3 year old daughter is being pinched and punched by another 3 year old

29 replies

MissLJD · 18/05/2013 14:37

This is so tricky as my 3 year old daughter is great friends with a little 3 year old boy who lives next door to my mums. As we are at my mums most days my daughter and this boy play together and usually enjoy it, but recently he is pinching and slapping her a lot and although his mother reprimands him when he is caught it hasn't stopped. It has gotten to the point where I don't want my daughter playing with him anymore - it would be awkward for my mum as these are her neighbours and are really nice people. I have spoken to his mum and feel rather sorry for her as he is a real handful and she warns him before taking him inside - we have told him if he keeps doing this he wont be able to play with my daughter, but he just seems to do it for no reason. One moment they are playing and the next he just grabs her face and pinches her leaving cuts or bruises and I am getting so angry! My daughter has started appeasing him too - when they play she senses when he is getting ready to do something to her and she tries to distract him or gives her toys to him and it makes me so annoyed. Any ideas?

OP posts:

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 18/05/2013 14:49

You will get better replies in "Behaviour" or similar topics.

Cherriesarelovely · 18/05/2013 15:05

I would say his mum needs to follow through. She has told him, you all have, that if he behaves like this then he will not be able to play with your Dd. He has continued to do it and so he shouldn't be allowed to play with her and his mum needs to tell him "No, you are not allowed because you pinch and punch her". Then, after a while you could see if he can behave himself again. He may well outgrow this unfortunate phase. My Dd has a truly lovely friend who was apparently constantly hitting and pushing other children about when he was 3 or 4. He is absolutely beautifully behaved now!

greenformica · 18/05/2013 15:12

when he hurts her, take your DD away from him and do something else with her - icecream, play in the park, watching tv etc.

Explain to DD that if x hurts you, we will leave and hopefully he will eventually stop hurting

Noorny · 18/05/2013 16:50

I do not give a rat's arse if I get flamed for this. My son is nearly 2 so too young to teach this. However as he gets older he will be taught that if anyone lays a finger on him he is to punch them and hard. No telling tales of woe to the teacher. Deal with it personally and other kids will soon learn he is not too be messed with.

cakebar · 18/05/2013 17:26

Noorny - I won't flame you BUT a young child will find it hard to read situations. Let's say your DS is 3 and at toddler group. A 9 month old early walker comes up and snatches toy. He 'punches them and hard'. Would you find that ok? He wouldn't be able to tell their age. He will also learn that you right a wrong by punching. What is he feels he has been waiting his turn for too long so punches a child who has the toy he wants and that child has done nothing wrong. You will raise a thug.

I DO know where you are coming from. DD is a pusher and I decided not to reprimand her if she was in the right e.g. another child snatched or pushed her. I regret this decision, she has pushed a baby that snatched off her and she pushes when she thinks other kids are generally being annoying e.g. shove them off the steps of the stairs of the slide if they are taking too long. She enjoys playing with other push/shove kids and they play roughly. I now have to follow her at playgroups a lot to teach her to be more appropriate.

Having 2 older kids I know that children in infant school ostracise 'naughty' kids. Someone who is seen to punch/get in scraps instead of telling will be labelled as the naughty one and won't be invited to parties etc.

Maybe at secondary or late juniors things are different but the OP was about a 3 yo so I guess you want your DS to respond with a thump at 3.

TheChaoGoesMu · 18/05/2013 18:37

What sort of message does that give Noorny? Would you feel happy if some child came and punched your three yr old child hard because his parents taught him / her that it was ok to do that?

Original poster

MissLJD · 18/05/2013 19:17

I don't want her to retaliate with violence, I don't think that is the way to solve this. I don't want her to think that its ok to pinch, kick, bite etc. because it isn't ok. I have decided that if he continues to do this I will take my daughter away from the situation and if he wants to play with her he will have to learn that he cannot do this. This afternoon they were playing in the garden and he pushed her over and I took her inside and we played whilst he cried outside as he wanted to play with her. I told him that my daughter doesn't want to play with him as he pushed her over and he apologised. I told him we will try again tomorrow and if he cannot play nicely he wont play with her at all! (Meanwhile my daughter was crying as she wanted to go back and play with him!)

OP posts:

Grinkly · 18/05/2013 19:35

Meanwhile my daughter was crying as she wanted to go back and play with him
I wouldn't go by this. She is to young to know better. She shouldn't be modifying her behaviour to avoid being hurt by this little boy.

Molehillmountain · 18/05/2013 19:52

I have seen this dilemma from both sides-ds went through a stage of biting before he was able to talk. I had to be inches away from him, help him to communicate what he needed/wanted, make sure I helped when another child was taking toys, being actually unkind to him so that it rarely got to the point of swooping in and moving him as he went to bite, and only very, very rarely got to the point where he actually bit. In that circumstance I would remove him from the play, apologise both to the parent and child and get him to do the same, and when (as happened in the most part) the parent said "don't worry, it happens" I would say "that's very nice of you to say that but I know how hard it is to see your child hurt and I'm sorry it got that far." I also, fwiw, empathised with ds because often the child he wanted to hurt was interrupting his play in some way and I never saw him bite/go to bite in order to take someone else's toy. But I knew that, rightly, biting or hurting trumps all other misbehaviour and wanted him to have friends to play with and, selfishly, I didn't want my friends to stop seeing us. He grew out if it as his language caught up.

The other side for us is a very dear friend of mine whose children have hurt mine so many times that I limited how much we see them. Not because of the hurting per se as i absolutely believe its a stage young children often go through however great the parenting but because she believes so strongly in seeing why her child has hurt someone else that what happens after an incident is a talking out loud eg "ah, x, you really wanted that toy, didn't you? And mole's dc had it? That's why you hit her?" Theres no resl consequence, apology or sympathy for my dc, whose only "crime" was to be playing with whatever x wanted. Which I understand, kind of, but is very confusing and unfair to my dc who end up thinking that they were in the wrong. Only very recently has she started removing dc from the play and apologising on x's behalf, saying "hitting is wrong" or similar.

In summary, (!) I feel your pain, the other parent should do more than she's doing and if you feel your dc aren't getting much out of the playtime, then don't see them for a while.

OutragedFromLeeds · 18/05/2013 19:59

What a lovely boy you'll raise Noorny.

How well he'll do at school.

How well he'll do in life.

SybilRamkin · 18/05/2013 20:39

Outraged - not helpful at all. Please read cakebar's response.

Noorny · 18/05/2013 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

SimplyRedHead · 18/05/2013 20:44

An eye for an eye makes the world blind.

Ifyoulike · 18/05/2013 20:50

I'm actually still hugely on the fence over the 'hit back' 'don't hit back' debate.

But I do think the 'eye for an eye' logic is flawed. Could equally be:

A telling-off for a punch, and the punchers will rule.

In my mind anyway. Still working out my own thoughts over the whole subject.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 18/05/2013 20:54

Noorny, I understand why it's tempting to teach your child that, god knows I've thought about it myself, but I decided not to, for many of the reasons listed above. At 3 my DD is not socially adept enough to read the situation and only retaliate when necessary. If someone's child clobbered mine, and I found out the parent's had taught them too, I would be furious.

All that said, I have reported your post at 20.41, that's a pretty nasty term to use.

Noorny · 18/05/2013 20:58

Actually the word I used which has now been deleted has nothing to do with special needs and I first read in the Guardian.

Noorny · 18/05/2013 20:59

I could not give a rat's arse if someone insults me but DO NOT INSULT MY SON.

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/05/2013 21:04

If your son walks around punching people because you have thought him its ok he will get insulted a lot, and it will be your fault.

Noorny · 18/05/2013 21:06

No he will not get insulted a lot. People who get bullied are weak, they are victims. If anyone wants to insult my son they will get a thump. If they are bigger and older than my son my nephew will give them a thump on his behalf.

Noorny · 18/05/2013 21:07

...and if they happen to be adults I will do the thumping

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning · 18/05/2013 21:09

Of you figure it out let me know, my toddler attacks dd and I regularlyl

TheChaoGoesMu · 18/05/2013 21:09

You sound deranged Noorny.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 18/05/2013 21:10

Ok, I retract my previous comment. I do NOT understand why it's tempting to teach your son that! If you teach a child that it's ok to go about hitting others, one day they will hit the wrong person, however "tough" you seem to think your child is. And that WILL be your fault.

Ifyoulike · 18/05/2013 21:13

Now that reasoning I really don't understand...

An insult = a thump in return.

What if he insults someone, and they thump him. Is he then encouraged to hit them back even harder? At which point, I suppose they'd be entitled to beat him even harder? Or pull out a knife?

5madthings · 18/05/2013 21:14

What do you sound like noorny people who get bullied are weak, they are victims?!!!

Op its hard at this age they are only little, if the mum is consistent in telling him its not OK and removing him then he will learn not to do it. Its a very common phase for lots of little ones to go through and most stop/outgrow it.

I would imagine a child taught to hit is likely to grow up and be the one doing the bullying.

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