am lost and confused

[MINNACK]

hello

a while ago i wrote about our two sons and them taking the mickey over house rules etc - well, we worked things out with the younger of the two, (19) but our older son, (23) has completely thrown everything in our faces.

our younger son has understood things and is now helping around the house - with a bit of pushing though to be honest - but it is alot better.

our eldest son has just written a nasty text to us - blaming me mostly for everything that has gone wrong. i am totally devastated and i feel at a total loss. he has made me feel worthless and that all the years i have given him everything have been a waste.

it is a very complicated situation but he had a girlfriend for 5 years who we welcomed into our lives and home and treated her like one of us - then last autumn he broke up with her and told me he actually knew he didnt want to go out with her after 3 weeks of dating her - but he just carried on for 5 years!!!!! during that time he played us for fools and totally took the mickey - caused arguments etc etc. we supported him with starting his own business, letting him use machinery we have and getting him work - all of which he has taken for granted.

after putting us through hell he said he would not have another girlfriend for a while and he would try and settle down - but 6 weeks later he met another girl and is now going out with her. she is nearly 30 and she resents him being close to us. she also lives 85 miles away - so he leaves work on friday afternoon and goes to hers till monday or tuesday - whilst not finishing jobs for customers etc. we have met her 4 times and each time she has come to stay she has actually mostly ignored us in our own home! we speak to her and try and engage but she either just stares at us or walks out of the room. she is obviously not interested in forming any relationship with us. she has managed to get him to go to stay with her and her family and very much wants him to herself. her previous boyfriend had an affair on her and she quite possessive. our son cannot see anything wrong and has just turned his back on us and this weekend is his brothers birthday and mine and its our 25th wedding anniversary next week - but he has chosen to go to her friends for a stag weekend instead. he says it doesnt matter!

recently i lost my sister through tragic circumstances and he is aware of all this along with my own ill health which i am still suffering, and having blood tests all the time. nothing get through to him.

we know he is an adult but does he really have to go about things like this we keep asking ourselves. last friday he went to stay with her and then told his brother that he has moved in with his girlfriend on tuesday - he didnt tell us. we havent seen him since and only go a text when my hubby texted him and told him that he was going to find him and talk things out. we dont even know his new address.

i have rambled on here but i am so upset and confused i dont know what to think - my son thinks we are terrible people apparently - we thought we were doing ok by him and have done our best.

i am totally heartbroken and i feel a worthless mother. i know i sound like i am feeling sorry for myself but i do i cant help it.

You are not worthless, in fact I think part of your trouble is that you are trying too hard and letting him take advantage of that.
You need to let go and live your life, give him space, let him move out without feeling that any of this is your fault.
If he's moved in with his girlfriend, then make him get his stuff, change his room into whatever you like and redecorate it.
He's an adult who is out of your house.
Give it a few months, or a few years and you can build a new relationship on different terms.

minnack your post is really heartfelt, I'm so sorry it's turning out like this BUT I don't think you have necessarily lost him for ever. You have forced him to become more independent and not to disrespect you in his early twenties, because that was the right thing to do, but he's now throwing a teenage (belated) strop and moving in with this older lady (co-incidence? now has someone to look after him again).

Don't make him choose though between this lady and you- you say she ignored you and wasn't very nice but they came four times to your home, so clearly he did want you to meet her. I would try to let things calm down a bit, wish him good luck with the move, and when the dust has settled, recontact him and make some moves towards starting a more civil conversation. Pushing it now, or sending nasty texts back, or saying 'how can you be like this when I'm ill/bereaved/' will not help even if it feels justified.

If your DS has moved out, look at it as a good thing. No more arguments about house rules. This is your opportunity to step back and hard as it is, let him make his mistakes.

He is an adult. He needs to stand on his own two feet. You cannot force him.

I do understand. My DD is younger and we have been to hell and back. She too, would say I was a terrible parent. I know I have done everything (and more) and very possibly too much. If I spelt that out though, it would border on the "but we took you to stately homes!" thread.

They want the privileges and freedom of being an adult but without the responsibility, and yet still want the safety and ease of being treated like a child. The best thing you can do is let him go, do not comment, and see howit plays out.