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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say to my brother "no, you can't come this weekend" despite him insisting

38 replies

sh77 · 16/05/2013 22:48

Already told him on the phone that this weekend would not work as dh is preparing for interviews. He lives quite far from where we are. I asked him what was so important that it had to be this weekend, and he said he wanted to see ds. I suggested we arrange it when it was mutually convenient. Two hours later, got another text asking if he could stay sat night and leave sun ( ds will be asleep). I think he is coming for other reasons, which is fine, and needs a place to crash. Ordinarily, i wouldn't mind but i am getting fed up with him not seeing things from my perspective.

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 16/05/2013 22:50

Well, unless your DH is preparing 48 hours in isolation, what will you be doing with your children? Let Unks come over and send them all to the park.

MagicHouse · 16/05/2013 22:50

Not unreasonable to say no - just text back - "really sorry, just can't do this weekend, but let's get together soon after :-)" or something like that!

whois · 16/05/2013 22:51

Depends. If he rings and is honest about needing somewhere to crash, and won't be any bother, then I'd let him.

CatsCantFlyFast · 16/05/2013 22:55

Middle ground as both perspectives are fair. Ask him why it is so important it is this weekend. If there's a good reason, make room. If not, then you ANBU and tell him no

Original poster
sh77 · 16/05/2013 22:59

Maybe I am being stubborn. I am annoyed from a previous incident when he put a lot of pressure on me to travel to meet his new in laws when ds was v sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
sh77 · 16/05/2013 23:01

Thank you all for your responses. Really helpful.

OP posts:
zipzap · 16/05/2013 23:21

Get back to him and say that this weekend is no good but if he wants to see ds then next weekend/[insert convenient weekend or two here] would be fine.

If your dh is trying to get his head around stuff and doesn't want to be disturbed and you think that having your db around will interrupt him, then it's worth telling your db when works for you, not be dictated to by him!

AnyFucker · 16/05/2013 23:22

Is your brother the boss of you ?

Make your own mind up, and stick to it

The End

YellowDinosaur · 16/05/2013 23:24

To be fair he's not insisting is he? He's asked twice.

Tell him it doesn't work for you.

End of it.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 16/05/2013 23:25

Do you have a garden? Tell him he is welcome to pitch a tent, and you will let him empty his po in your outside drain free of charge and to not make a noise after Ds bedtime Wink Grin

2rebecca · 16/05/2013 23:33

I agree with Anyfucker, he's asked you've said no. That should be an end to it, otherwise you give out no doesn't mean no vibes. If he wants somewhere near you to stay he can book a B&B. It isn't fair on your husband to put your brother's convenience over his and visitors are always hassle and create more noise and disruption.
If he just wants to see your son there are plenty of weekends he can do that, when it suits you.

2rebecca · 16/05/2013 23:38

I don't see why some people are saying that the OP should make room for him this weekend if he has a good reason, when her husbandalready has a good reason why he doesn't want visitors. The person with the best reason doesn't win, the person you live with does, it shouldn't be a competition.
Different if a relative has been made suddenly homeless but I can't think of a reason why I'd invite visitors for the weekend if my husband wanted a quiet weekend.

Original poster
sh77 · 17/05/2013 00:07

He is bringing his new wife (she will be coming for the first time) and so the whole affair would be more formal - cooking, dishes, bedding. Ds is a very energetic two year old and I planned to take him out to give dh space at at home.

Some brill perspectives.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 17/05/2013 00:14

No, it's not convenient and you do not have to say yes. If I was preparing for interviews and needed my husband to care for the kids, I would be mighty pissed off if he let a couple come and stay on Sat night (because it means entertaining, noise, he can't be rude, bottles of wine etc). Why is he still asking when you said it is not convenient?

Naoko · 17/05/2013 00:17

Nope, not unreasonable. It's your house, and it's not convenient. End of discussion. Just stay firm, don't apologise, don't explain.

StuntGirl · 17/05/2013 00:47

If you don't want him staying - and that's entirely up to you, you don't need any justifications for it - just say "Sorry this weekend doesn't work for us", offering weekends x, y or z as alternatives if you so feel like it. Repeat as necessary.

Wuldric · 17/05/2013 01:07

I dunno. I tend to think that if people want to come, then let them come. S'fine. No biggy. Nice to see them. If we've got prior commitments, I let them know in advance so they know they have to amuse themselves for however long. I'm a bit sentimental about family particularly. They always have carte blanche to come and stay whenever. So if I were in your shoes, I'd be welcoming. If I were in your brother's shoes, I'd be feeling a bit hurt. But I don't know the dynamic. Don't you like your brother?

raisah · 17/05/2013 02:23

Tell him that the following bank holiday weekend would be better for you as you'll have more time to spend with him & his wife. Also explain about the interview but say the upcoming bank holiday is more ideal.

EugenesAxe · 17/05/2013 03:29

IMO it's irrelevent as to how exactly her DH plans to prep; just having people round and not being able to think and act freely is a bother. These things can just hang over you, ever if when it came to it you were relatively unaffected.

Just tell him he can't stay. If he persists ask him directly why he won't accept your wishes. Having said that I'm with Wulfric to an extent... although your post implies if there was no SIL that kind of would be the case.

EugenesAxe · 17/05/2013 03:30

Sorry, Wuldric.

2rebecca · 17/05/2013 08:04

I think if the brother chooses to feel hurt because it's not convenient for him to come then that's his choice and it's just self pity.
Your husband is family as well. At the moment I wouldn't invite guests for the weekend because my son has 3 highers next week and is studying. If a relative phoned and wanted a casual visit I'd suggest another weekend.
I have weekends when I'm feeling stressed out after a busy week and don't want to visit or be visited by anyone. If my husband then invited (or didn't say no to, same thing) a couple of relatives to stay I'd be quite angry.
If I wanted to stay with a relative and it wasn't convenient I'd rather they said no firmly than resented me. Why should I get upset by this? It doesn't mean they don't love me any more, just that that weekend isn't convenient for me to visit.
You don't show your love for people by always saying yes to them, and in this case if she says yes to her brother she's saying no to her husband.

Snazzynewyear · 17/05/2013 08:06

Now you've said it would first visit of him and wife, definitely no.

claudedebussy · 17/05/2013 08:07

i would say really sorry, but no.

DontmindifIdo · 17/05/2013 08:13

It doesn't work for you, your DH doesn't want to entertain, if your DB will be arriving with new wife, you know your own family, the expectation being that you will be formal entertaining, not 'amuse yourself' then it's not fair to force that on your DH when he's already asked for a quiet weekend.

Tell your DB again that this weekend doesn't work, but perhaps say that next weekend (or other dates) does, his choice them. Bit late to do this on a Friday.

pinkyredrose · 17/05/2013 09:06

I would let him, he's your brother after all. Will it really be that much of a hardship to have him for one night? Surely your DH won't need all day and evening for two days for interview prep?