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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...or is OH?

43 replies

littleginger · 15/05/2013 21:52

So LO is 5 months old now and I need to know if I should be putting my foot down with my OH!

We got off to a bad start when LO was born. She would cry if anyone held her but me. This, along with the shock of what a newborn is REALLY like, meant there was no instant bond between OH and LO. This improved when the crying calmed down but still 5 months on and I do absolutely everything for LO. I really don't mind as I enjoy my LO so much but it winds me up so much to see my OH's lack of interest. I've had so many moments of anger but talk myself out of saying anything hurtful because i think he will be so good with her once she is that bit older.

But it frigging kills me sometimes. HV suggested early weaning due to reflux and after a few days of the boring stuff I was very excited to give LO her first veggie puree. I purposely timed it for weekend so he could be there. But when I was all set up he said he wasn't bothered about watching and stayed on his computer!! I had to bloody try and spoonfeed, stop her putting fingers in mouth and film with my phone at same time (because our parents seem to care more than he does). He realised I was mad and came in in the end but that's not the point...

Things got a bit heated when LO was 2.5 months old and before I knew it I had said that my dad had done more bottle feeding than he had and my parents had only visited 4 times as they live so far away. This made OH extremely upset and he agreed I'd hit a nerve cos he knows he's not done enough. But nothing's changed.

I'm sick of offering, suggesting and nagging in a polite way. I want him to just want to do it!!!

If anyone here had an OH who was exactly the same please tell me that an amazing bond was formed once LO wasn't a baby! All I hear from other new fathers is a completely different attitude!

OP posts:

LookingForwardToMarch · 16/05/2013 06:54

Ha sorry op just realised I went off on a rant and didn't offer any advice!

Read your OH the riot act and from now on make him do his fair share of EVERYTHING.

MammaTJ · 16/05/2013 06:54

My ex was like this with our DD until she was nearly two.

My DP was not like this with our two DC. Just as well as I had an emergency admission to hospital when DS was three months old and was in for a week. I did not worry one jot that he wouldn't cope because he knew their routines and did everything alongside me.

MortifiedAdams · 16/05/2013 06:57

Start off by telling him he will be responsible for baths from next week, and he had better spend this week helping at bathtime so he knows what to do. Then give him bath/bottle/bed routine (or have him.bring you her for a feed halfway through).

Any time he says he is popping to the shop, stick dd in her pram and say "lovely, she will enjoy the fresh air - have fun you two".

ParadiseChick · 16/05/2013 07:02

I wonder how many women don't do babies, or find it hard or don't know what to do with infants?

There will be some but chances are most women don't get the luxury of opting out until they feel inclined to get involved.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 16/05/2013 07:11

What an absolute crock of shit people are spouting on here.

Babies can be hard work, boring at times, and yes there are other things to do that would probably be more interesting at times. Men are no less capable of dealing with babies than women though.

I read threads like this and thank my stars that I had children with an adult rather than a childish idiot who can't be bothered to take care of his own babies.

Perhaps useless fathers do step up in some way as children get older, but I bet only to do the fun bits (like go to the cricket). If you get into the pattern where dad is for playtime and mum does all the shitwork early on then that will stick for life.

Whatalotofpiffle · 16/05/2013 07:12

My dp was similar... But now dd is 2.5 I can't get near her! They are inseparable. However, I did say something and in the end he admitted to not bonding. We talked often and I tried the gentle coaxing method.... It worked in the end, and becoming a hilarious toddler helps!

Pollydon · 16/05/2013 07:13

Yanbu. My dh was fab with ds, but terrified of dd, she was much smaller birth weight & he was terrified of hurting her.
I indulged this for about 6 weeks, then arranged a trip to the cinema with a friend on his half day off & met him at the door with a note to let him know her routine & let him get on with it.
Sorted.

KingRollo · 16/05/2013 07:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

livinginwonderland · 16/05/2013 07:33

You need to give them time together. If you've done everything, he probably feels pretty underconfident and worried about messing it up. Go out and meet friends for coffee or lunch one day and leave him to it - he's more likely to bond if he's given the chance to do things on his own. It can't be easy to be the parent who isn't there all the time and therefore doesn't know the routines or whatever you've gotten LO used to.

Neither of you are being unreasonable, you're just coming from different angles. You're thinking "Ugh, why doesn't he care?! I do everything and he doesn't have any interest in our baby!" but he's probably thinking "She knows what she's doing and probably doesn't want me to interfere so I'll leave her to it!"

RatherBeACyborg · 16/05/2013 08:11

I think I may give up the boring bits of parenting.

Look op, you need to say to him that he may find it boring, be unsure, nervous etc...but that's parenting. It's on-the-job training and the only way to get over that is to get on with it.

RatherBeACyborg · 16/05/2013 08:12

I should have added, yanbu.

Whocansay · 16/05/2013 08:28

I am a bit shocked by some of the reactions on here. I'm not quite sure why men are supposed to be less capable of parenting and somehow they get a 'get out of jail free card' to be a lazy shit.

And how helpful is it to say that in a year (or eight!), the dh may find the child a bit more interesting, so might actually get off his arse and do something then?

OP, your DH is being totally unsupportive and you need to tell him to get a grip and start doing his job. Unless you pushed him into having children, this is supposed to be a joint venture and he should be helping.

I would not however, just leave the child with him. If he's as lazy and uncaring as you suggest, he may just leave the child to scream in its cot the whole time you're out.

YANBU - he is

LalyRawr · 16/05/2013 08:39

It was the other way around in our house.

OH bonded with DD long before I did. I fell asleep almost straight after labour, OH changed her first nappy, dressed her, fed her her first bottle etc. I woke up three hours later to a clean, fed, dressed and sleeping baby!

DD loved her dad more than she did me in those first few weeks. She cried if I held her and her dad was there (I was acceptable while OH was at work, but woe betide me if I tried to hold her when he was home!).

I now do the majority of stuff for he during the day (I work 2 days a week, he works 5/6) but if he is home he does the same amount as me.

He is a parent, just as you are. He is responsible for her well being and happiness, just as you are. Just because he happens to have a penis it doesn't mean he can pick and choose when to be involved.

Original poster

littleginger · 16/05/2013 14:39

Thanks again everyone. I don't think it's as black and white as just saying he is lazy. I think it is a culmination of non-bonding in first weeks, not being needed in first few weeks, not being able to cope with crying etc meant that the boring stuff never became a habit for him like it did for me - and now I'm just better at it! He is a lazy bastard when I ask him outright to do something and he says no though ha!

I'm pleased that if all else fails then I can be confident that he'll come into his own eventually. But I don't want it to be a situation where he is the fun parent and I am the boring one so I will definitely get him doing more.

I'd just like to point out that OH's lack of help is in no way sexist. As I said before he is more domesticated than me and we were both expecting him to have a more motherly role than me! While I was pregnant I knew how much a baby could change a relationship for the worse so I have literally had the patience of a saint! We've gotten through the crap times now though so I think I can be a bit more headstrong about what he should be doing as it will do us both good.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 16/05/2013 15:38

"and film with my phone at same time "

you didnt have to filn this ...but maybe buy yourself a tripod for your camera so you can keep filming at all times...

start leaving baby with him for 20 minutes then half hour then two hours.
leave food or milk and let him get on with it.

Original poster

littleginger · 16/05/2013 20:17

No I didn't have to film it but both our parents expressed an interest of how she will take to her first solids. In an age where it is not uncommon to stick a picture of your tea on facebook every night I didn't think this was too extreme tbh. In fact I was just attempting to include both our parents in LO's life as much as possible since they both have other grandchildren who live minutes away. I hope she will have as good a relationship with them as her cousins do.

Thanks for the advice though.

OP posts:

ParadiseChick · 16/05/2013 21:48

Enabled uselessness.

Trazzletoes · 16/05/2013 23:01

ginger I filmed my DCs first meals too! (DH was at work). I don't think it's a massively unusual thing to do. Certainly pretty much everyone I know at least has photos of it.

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