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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't have to show my appreciation all the time

45 replies

Mummabubbles · 14/05/2013 09:51

Bit of background.........
I was self-employed, working from home, full time. Before becoming pregnant partner and I discussed financial issues and decided that if we were lucky enough to have a baby I would not work for a year so I could spend time with the baby (job would mean I would be at home with the baby but have very little time to give her time, attention and proper care) and he would support us all financially (he earns enough to be able to do this).
Anyway, baby is now here Smile but already I am feeling awkward about asking for money. I only ask for money for essential things -car needing mot etc.- and partner does give me the money but he makes sure I 'show' appreciation!! And tells me and anyone who will listen how good he is to be giving me money. He even brought it up at a recent family gathering, listing almost to the penny how much money he has given me since our baby arrived!!
Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate his help but AIBU to think he shouldn't go on about it, making me show eternal gratitude and telling everyone how good he is to support me financially??

OP posts:
SundaysGirl · 14/05/2013 09:54

That would really annoy me.

What does he say when you discuss it with him?

TWinklyLittleStar · 14/05/2013 09:58

He's being a prick.

You sat down and decided this was how your family would operate. Now he's treating you like a sponger spending his money, when you ought to have equal access to family money without hesitation.

You need to have a conversation, and let him know you're an adult not a child being doled out pocket money, and if he keeps being like this you'll go back to work and he can pay a nanny/nursery and see how much 'gratitude' he gets from them.

buildingmycorestrength · 14/05/2013 10:00

Isn't it his baby too? Shock

I hope he is showing appreciation for everything you are doing... but I bet he isn't.

Original poster
Mummabubbles · 14/05/2013 10:00

He says I am being silly because he does help me with money so I have nothing to moan about!! I suppose he is right but surely it is now his responsibility to 'help' me with money??
He is generally a lovely thoughtful man so this is quite out of character

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 14/05/2013 10:03

Bill him for childcare. Or make him feel eternally grateful that you're doing it for free. Or suggest that you start working again, he can stay home to look after the baby, but you'll very generously give him an allowance. Hopefully he'll realise that he's being a bit of a pillock!

buildingmycorestrength · 14/05/2013 10:07

Not normal or healthy for a new dad to be like this, no. Really, he's being an idiot.

isitsnowingyet · 14/05/2013 10:09

Why don't you get a joint bank account, and then you take out the money when you need it? I'm guessing he wouldn't agree to that if he is so controlling about money. On the other hand, you are both adults and it seems a more sensible way to get around it..

purrpurr · 14/05/2013 10:09

Why have you been put in the position of having to approach him to ask for money? Do you have access to the family's finances?

My DH occasionally says things like this to me. I give him the stare, then I tell him that they've worked out a stay at home mum's financial worth is somewhere in the region of 60k per annum. It's easy to take someone for granted, particularly if they're so well-behaved they don't even expect access to money. How do you even buy food?

purrpurr · 14/05/2013 10:10

Why does he see it as 'helping' you with money? Do you see that you are 'helping' him with childcare? This whole thing stinks. Does he think he is bankrolling you in a lovely holiday?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 14/05/2013 10:11

How exactly does he make you show appreciation? What does he say to demand this?

Does he show appreciation every time you feed, burp, change or otherwise care for the child you share?

Or kiss your feet for every bit of housework you do?

I agree with presenting him with a bill for half the amount that f/t childcare would cost. That's how much you're saving him (if we assume that you would pay the other half if you were working out of the home)

Peevish · 14/05/2013 10:13

You shouldn't have to ask at all! You jointly decided on this arrangement, which seems perfectly sensible, and it seems odd, childish and controlling for him to be clinging to the reins like this. Get a joint account, and for God's sake, don't 'show appreciation' unless he is showing equivalent appreciation for your temporary sacrifice of your own career and income to look after your baby!

JuliaScurr · 14/05/2013 10:13

joint bank account
agreed amount paid in directly
your JOB is WORKING at home
DOMESTIC LABOUR & CHILDCARE IS WORK

pictish · 14/05/2013 10:14

I too like the childcare bill idea...just to illustrate the point.

He is being a prick about all this. Maybe playing the big provider to the little lady and the baby has gone to his head a bit. Maybe he has controlling streak...I don't know, but he should not be doing this.

Squitten · 14/05/2013 10:16

How exactly are you expected to show appreciation?! You are "grateful for his help" - what, financing his own child is doing you a favour now is it?

He sounds like a twat! Why can't he put the FAMILY'S money in a joint account where you can access it too? You need to be having a serious conversation with him about how it's not ok to make you feel like an employee

ephemeralfairy · 14/05/2013 10:16

Of course it is his responsibility. It's his child...! And the fact that he is mentioning it to family/friends is demeaning and embarrassing. Silly childish boasting on his part. What does he want, a round of applause for providing for his own child?? The mind boggles.

On a more practical note, could you perhaps agree on a set amount per week/month that you can access whenever you need it? Then you don't have to go cap-in-hand to him and be made to feel small whenever you need to buy a pack of nappies.

I really am fuming on your behalf...!

pictish · 14/05/2013 10:20

don't get me wrong...I do appreciate his help

You make it sound like he has an option, and he's choosing to do you a favour!

Paying for your own child is not 'help'...it's a given. You agreed together. You ar home, him going out to work. He is not helping you...he is just doing the bare minimum required.

Do not let him lord it over you...the big arse.

lunar1 · 14/05/2013 10:20

I gave up work to be a SAHM almost 5 years ago after the same discussion you and your DH has. In all that time he has not made any reference to it being his money, he also set up a standing order to my savings account when ds1 was born to replace what I was previously saving.

what your DH is doing is not at all healthy, does he show appreciation for everything you do or is it just expected. I think you need to sit him down ASAP and get this sorted out otherwise i cant imagine it bodes well for your future together.

LunaticFringe · 14/05/2013 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 14/05/2013 10:23

He is a twat.

He is not 'helping' you with money, you should have a joint account which you have equal access to.

Agree that you should send him a childcare bill.

As for discussing it with family and friends, that shows a real meanness of character that I would be devastated to see in my children's father. They are probably secretly thinking 'what an arse'.

MsVestibule · 14/05/2013 10:23

As a SAHM, I almost started hyperventilating after reading your post! Seriously, this is bonkers. In our household, all money (DH's salary, child benefit, other small amounts of my income) go into one account which I have full access to for family stuff (inc maintenance for my car), plus we both get the same amount of spending money.

I wouldn't have become a SAHM if I had to rely on him generously doling out money, making sure I showed my appreciation.

valiumredhead · 14/05/2013 10:25

You need a joint account asap, you shouldn't have to ask for money ffs!

KellyElly · 14/05/2013 10:25

You shouldn't have to ask for money, you should have access to 'family' money. He is financially controlling you and you need to put a stop to it. If he doesn't agree, find the going rate for a full time nursery and bill him each month for your 'job'.

exoticfruits · 14/05/2013 10:28

He is being ridiculous - I would make sure that he should give you full appreciation for allowing him to work while you do his childcare for him.

I would give him a straight choice, a joint bank account for your money that you spend, as and when you need,without asking him OR you simply bill him for childcare, laundry, cooking, cleaning etc.

ThingummyBob · 14/05/2013 10:30

Bill him all the childcare hours to date.

Push the point enough to make him cough up.

If he won't then tell him you are returning to work full time and he will have to share childcare costs 50% with you, and do 50% of everything else.

If he still doesn't get it then you have a real problem going forwards and I'd have to sit and re-think my entire future.

Drastic, but then so is years of drip, drip, drip financial abuse in the end Sad

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 14/05/2013 10:30

He's not 'helping' or 'giving' you money. You're a family and a team and it's all of your money.

I agree with KellyElly. Show him the actual monetary worth of what you do. Then ask him to grow the fuck up.